


They Only Said he Left

by crazedcurls



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies), Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Ending, Anxiety, Dark!Loki, Depression, F/M, Grant wants Skye/Daisy, Grants not a nice guy either, Graphic Description, Hydra, Kidnapping, Loki Does What He Wants, Loki rape, Loki's got issuessssssss, Mental Illness, Non-Consensual Blow Jobs, One-Sided Relationship, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape, Rape/Non-con Elements, Triggers, all over the place, canon until after right before the ending of Avengers, character a bit weird, like i said, mid season/early season 3 AoS?, rapist!loki, so many crazy people, this story is all over the place
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-11
Updated: 2016-06-01
Packaged: 2018-03-07 02:00:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 12
Words: 53,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3156785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazedcurls/pseuds/crazedcurls
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They had told me that I was safe now. And I was, for a while, but I should have known that I never could be safe while he was still living. While he still had the chance of being alive. And now I'm paying the price.</p><p>Trigger Warning! </p><p>Super, super dark story Don't like, Don't read</p><p>The last chapter will be up soon! Not only am I super busy, but EVERYTHING I WRITE SUCKS RIGHT NOW AND I AM NOT SURE WHY. IF ANYONE FEELS LIKE EDITING THIS THAT WOULD BE GREAT BUT EVEN THEN ITS HARD TO WRITE THIS LAST CHAPTER, DONT KNOW WHY BUT IT IS BUT PLEASE BE PATIENT WITH ME I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH AND I FINISHED THE OUTLINE FOR IT AT LEAST SO KNOW THAT IM WORKING ON IT SO THAT IT WONT SUCK. THANK YOU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. He's Back

**Author's Note:**

> Just so you guys know, if you have read my other story In This Moment, THIS DOES NOT PERTAIN TO THAT STORY. Not the same characters it's an AU. 
> 
> Also if you HAVEN'T read that story, well I recommend it. I hear the author is great(;

My fingers trembled as I hurriedly wrote the conclusion to my essay. My Lit Professor may not be too excited to read my last minute paper the next day, but winter break had kept me busy with helping out my parents and doing a heap of laundry I put off until the last minute—kind of like the essay.

                I yawned and shut my laptop in triumph, at least it was finished. Although it wouldn’t be my usual A- material, I could probably scrape up a low B. And my professor was usually pretty good about extra credit anyway.

                Or at least to me.

                Most people tip toed around me, like I was fragile. Like the simplest thing could cause me to become unbalanced. It didn’t help that I had reporters non-stop. Although they had died down the past few months after more interesting events took place and I was forgotten. Although _one_ decided to push my story. But that didn’t mean my peers and my family forgot about what had happened to me. I feel like a mental health patient sometimes, and I have been treated as one too. And all the antidepressants and anti anxiety medication I’m on? Sheesh.

                I shook my head to clear my thoughts and climbed into my bed, ready to retire for the night. Just as I was reaching to turn off my light I heard a soft knock at my door. I sighed and stood up, irritated.

                It was probably my brother, either wanting to “talk” or needing a condom. I wasn’t too sure which alternative I dreaded more. I maneuvered around my furniture and yawned again before reaching the door and opening it.

                “Honestly Franklin, I just want to go to bed—“ I froze. It wasn’t my brother, _he_ was standing there.

                “Hello, flower.” He whispered his green eyes just as dark and cunning as usual. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think. He stood, looking just the same as he had months ago (although he wasn’t being beat up by Captain America this time). “Did you miss me?”

                Automatically I slammed the door in his face and rammed my back against it, my sweaty palms flat against the wood.

                I had no idea what to do, what to think. _He was here! He was actually here!_ I felt nauseous and confused and horrified. I put my fingers to my temples and squeezed my eyes shut willing it to be just another nightmare.

                “ _This isn’t real, this isn’t real, this isn’t real_!” I babbled, too overwhelmed to do anything but repeat the mantra until I woke up or stopped hallucinating. Hallucinating was new. But that had to be all it was, there was no way this could be reality.

                “Oh but my sweet flower, it is.” My eyes flew open to see _him_ standing in front of me. I cried out, and shoved myself backwards, resulting in a hard blow as my head connected with the hard wood of my door. Tears started to bubble up and I could feel my heart thundering against my rib cage.

                “No-no. No, you’re imprisoned. You’re not here. You’re all the way on Asgard with Thor and you _are not here_!” I slid down, bringing my knees to my chest, but I didn’t risk ripping my eyes from his for a second. He sighed and knelt to my height, causing me to gasp and curl into myself further so his knee wouldn’t come in contact with my skin. As if a mere touch from him would set me on fire. Mostly, I didn't want to touch him for fear  _it would validate that this was reality_.

                “There were complications with that, I suppose.” He said, eyes twinkling. I started to hyperventilate, this was too much. He was here. He was in my room; he was right in front of me, his hand inches from my exposed knee. He was going to  _touch_ me.

                He simply chuckled at my terrified state, “Oh, how I’ve missed you.” He reached out and brushed a stray curl from my forehead and I cringed at his icy touch. He was real, he was here. His hand was on my face and he was going to try to take me again. He was going to turn me back into the girl I was and I could not stop him, I could not stop him from touching me and taking what he wanted as he always did. “Still jaw droppingly beautiful even in some mere midguardian night clothes.” He looked down my body and I screamed at myself for wearing a revealing tank top and shorts to bed. Although it wouldn’t matter, I could be wearing a full suit of armor and wouldn’t stop him.

                “Stand up so I can admire you further” he demanded, I shook my head. I had calmed my breathing, just barely, so I was only wheezing. I couldn't blindly follow his commands like nothing happened, I couldn't let him "admire" me. He frowned,

                “Maia, do not test me. I have not punished you for your…actions that caused our separation in the past yet. Do not increase my frustration with you.” It was then that I started to cry.

                He let out an irritated sound and stood, pulling me up with him by my hair. I shrieked in pain and my sobs increased. He looked me up and down, and frowned at my protruding ribs that showed through my tight tank top.

                “Flower, have you been eating correctly?” I didn’t answer him, it felt like such a silly question given our situation, my fists were clenched at my sides and my hair fell limply when he released it.

                He reached out and I cringed, his finger slid up the curve of my hip to the side of my ribcage. His touch sent off every alarm in my body, I wanted to be able to throw him across the room for daring to touch me after everything he had done, but all I could do was stand frozen.

                “But it still hasn’t damaged your beauty.” He said, cupping my face with his other hand. My tears slid down my cheek, and he wiped them away with his thumb. “I have missed you dearly, my sweet.” I winced, and he pulled my wet face to his and kissed me. I whimpered and my mind was racing five thousand miles a minute as I processed his touch and now his kiss, that he once again had his hands on me. That once again I felt powerless and weak and even the safety of my home was compromised now.

                I could taste my own tears, his other hand slid to my hip and he pulled me closer, changing his gentle kiss into a passionate, rough one. I pressed my hands against his chest, a high pitched sound was emitting from my throat. I was terrified and I desperately tried to push him off of me. He growled and opened my mouth with his and shoved his tongue in my mouth. His hand on my hip went to my backside and he squeezed it roughly.

                Finally he came up for air and I gasped for breath. I looked up to see him staring at me intently. My tears had stopped and all I felt was an icy terror.

“I will never let us be separated again.” He promised, my hands were against his chest while his were wound around me, keeping me flushed against him. As if he was trying to absorb me.  I let out a dry sob at his proclamation and hit his chest with my fists.

                “Let me go!” I cried, it was more of a plea than an order. He embraced me tighter in response. He buried his nose in my hair, as if memorizing my scent.

                “We’ve been apart far too long. Soon you will be begging for my touch once again.” He released me to step backward and clasp my hands in his. “Everything will go back to the way it was.” A tear slid down my cheek,

                “You don’t understand.” I whispered, he chuckled darkly.

                “We were made for each other, flower. You  _love_ me. Have you forgotten that?” I broke free from his grasp, hitting the door once again.

                “I remember you using me as your whore! As your toy! You ripped me open just to see what was inside and then you put me back together wrong! I am unfixable now! You ruined my life, and I never, _ever_ loved you.” I snarled, his eyes glinted dangerously. I immediately regretted my words.

                After a moment’s hesitation he said coldly, “Let’s see how you feel in a few months. Come now, it’s time we go somewhere so secluded, so well concealed that no one will _ever_ find you again.” My insides twisted and I dodged his outstretched hand dashed past him. I heard him sigh as he followed me, I ran around my bed, and before he could reach me I leapt over it to the other side so I could get to my door before he could.

                I had my fingers around the handle when I felt his arms around my waist. I shrieked as he yanked me away and shoved me to the ground.

                " _No_!" My voice was desperate and I feebly reached for the door from the ground, like it would magically open on its own.

                “You want to play games?” He growled, standing over me like the horrid god he was. I shook my head and struggled to get back to my feet, but he kicked me back to the ground. He stilled, thinking, and then a dangerous smile danced across his lips.

                “You have a little sister, do you not?” My eyes widened,  _Crystal._

                “Leave her  _out_ of this!" I cast my eyes to the floor in defeat, "Please." I add, hating how weak and pleading my voice was sounding.

                I could feel him considering it. Finally he said, “Will you go with me then, or will you force me to bring your sister along too?” I nod without hesitation, and he grins. I would protect my sister to the death, and this, this _monster_ was a fate worse than death. I wouldn't wish him on my worst enemy. And I have the memories to prove it.

                He offered his hand to me and I let out a sob, taking in my surroundings for what may be the last time.

                “We’re going now? Let me say good bye, please, let me write a note or something!” He frowned, then reached down and grabbed my arm, still babbling, wrenching me to my feet. His staff appeared from nowhere and suddenly my world went black.

***

                I blinked, trying to adjust to my new surroundings. Everything around me was green or so it seemed. Green or black. Onyx stones chilled my bare feet and the walls were a dark emerald green.  _Green, green, green_.

                “Wh-where are we?” I turned to greet my kidnapper. He grinned and wrapped an arm around my cold shoulders, but his touch only makes me feel colder. I will this to all be over, that this was some sick nightmare that I'll wake up from any moment.  _Fucking PTSD that's what it is._

                “You’re home, Flower. That’s all you need to know.” I shivered and bit back another sob.

                “There are no windows,” I noted, fear causing my voice to crack, “or-or doors.” His face lit up with a feral grin,

                “We won’t be needing those now will we?”

                I stepped away from him, “Where _are_  we?” I demanded, resisting the urge to stomp my foot in frustration.

                He sighed, irritated, “Under a mountain if you must know.” My eyebrows knitted together, “Don’t fret my love, no one will ever find you, because no one but me can get in here.” I gasped, and almost fell down.

                I was drained, I was _doomed_. Under a _mountain_? How could I escape from this? How could I recover? At least I managed to save my sister from this fate. At least I would be the one to die down here instead of her. Icy fingers tickled the back of my neck and I shuddered. His other hand went to my hip where he began to trace slow circles into my side.

                I slapped his hand away and stepped away, whirling around to face him.

                “Don’t put your disgusting hands on me.” I spat. Every bit of bitter hatred oozing in my voice. He's startled by my ferocity at first, not used to me fighting back this much. 

                “Do not forget your promise, flower.” He warned after a second of compusure, closing some of the distance between us. I retreated again,

                “I promised to come with you, I did not promise to be your little slut.” His eyes narrowed, he advanced again and I hastily attempted to move away but he caught my wrist and twisted it  behind my back until I cried out with pain.

                “Indeed, so maybe instead of my slut you’ll just be my slave, huh? Is that what you want?” He turned my wrist more and I shrieked.

                “No, no please—“ He threw me to the ground and kicked me when I tried to get up. Pain blossomed across my torso and I worried that he might have fractured a rib.

                “Well then, this is how slaves are treated when they show disrespect.” He growled. I scrambled to my feet again, he wasn't in my direct line of sight and I looked for him wildly. Before I realized, my hair was grabbed and my head smashed against the wall, I screeched and stars danced across my vision but did it again, three times, four, until he released me and I fell to a bruised heap to the ground. My head was on fire and my torso hurt and I could only see red and some part of me wondered how I ever thought I was ever going to be safe.

                “Oh yes,” He mocked, standing over my collapsed form, “I can definitely see why you would want this, it is such a stronger alternative than being my _slut_.”

                I forced myself to raise my head and muttered, “My thoughts exactly”. He responded with a swift kick to my ribs that made me scream in agony. He pulled me up by my arms and shoved me into the wall.

                “Why did you leave me? Why did you call them to us! We were almost away, we could have been happy.” He asked, pain, pain, pain, pain. It colored my world red, and I blinked trying to focus so I wouldn't pass out.

                “I loved you.” He whispered, “And _you loved me_. We-We would have been happy.” I felt tears come to my eyes.

                “What we had, was not love." I spoke slowly, as if trying to teach a child. "You wanted power so you beat up a young girl to make yourself feel strong. You manipulated me, abused me, and-and hurt me until you made me forget who I was and why I was there. And you called it love. But I _never_ loved you. You know that.” We both just stood there, breathing heavily, until he brought his hand up and smacked me across the face. I didn’t even cry out, a small grunt escaped my lips but that was it. He then backhanded me the other way, and his knuckles split open the skin on my cheekbone.

                “Then I will make you forget again, Flower. Soon you will be begging me for my love, just as you had before.” He grabbed my wrist and led me towards what I could make out as a bed. My senses went on high alert and I started to sob and gasp and scream and fight.

                “No!  _Please oh god, **no**_!” I shrieked, pummeling my fist into his arm. He ignored me as I dug my heels into the floor and struggled to break his iron grip off my wrist. “No-No not again, no please _anything but this_.” This was what it was about. What it was always about and he was about to break through every wall I tried to build up when I was free. He was going to destroy any shred of normalcy I had somehow protected, he was going to  _destroy_ me. Again.

                He answered by swinging me around and tossing me on the bed. Once I landed I wasted no time in hastily scrambling on all fours away from him. He effortlessly caught my ankle before I got too far and dragged me across the bed back to him. I clawed at the blankets in vain to get some sort of traction to  _save myself_ but as usual he overpowered me. It was getting increasingly more and more difficult to breathe as he set to work on binding my wrists magically to the bed. Once I was  _without a doubt_ at his mercy, he hooked his fingers along the elastic of my pajama shorts and pulled them down slowly, putting on a show for himself. 

                I had always wondered why he couldn’t just will away my clothing magically, but he probably enjoyed this. Enjoyed slipping my clothing off like this. I tried to bend my knees so it would be harder to get my shorts off, but he eluded my weak attempts without a problem. He ignored my underwear (for now) and then started to attempt to get my tank top off while holding my wrists in one hand. When he finished the task he bound my wrists again and stepped back to admire my half naked form.

                I was wearing my white lace bra with matching underwear because it was all I had that was clean and my really cute neighbor had come over for dinner earlier that evening. I had told myself I was making progress on doing something I thought would impress him. I thought it was progress that I was no longer afraid of my lingerie, but now all that progress was down the drain as the _very person I never wanted to look at me again_ shamelessly ran his eyes over every curve of my form. I shut my eyes, unable to watch him leer at me.

                Finally I guess he decided enough was enough and his cold fingers dragged my underwear down, and he removed my bra with haste. I opened one eye to see him fully nude in front of me and quickly squeezed it shut again. His movements were hurried now, as he was probably getting more and more excited. His fingers ghosted over my stomach down to my clit.

                “Should I bring you pleasure, my pet?” He asked, his voice surprising me after all those moments of quiet. I swallowed nervously. “Or should I punish you, for your misbehavior tonight?” One of his hands cupped my breast, and I gasped at the contact. “For selling me out to those _idiots_ that call themselves superheroes all those months ago?” I cried out with pain as he pinched my nipple, and he let out a sadistic chuckle.

                His lips attached themselves to my ear, he nipped at my lobe and then planted feather light kisses over my face. When he got to my lips he kissed me passionately, before moving down my neck and to one of my nipples.

                I writhed underneath him as he began to suck, my breathing ragged and short, I feared that he would bite me. He'd done it before. He finally released my nipple and moved down. I felt horror build inside me when I realized what his intentions were.

                “No, no!” I whispered, bringing my knees together. His tongue traced the outside of my belly button and then I felt his long hair tickle my center. His hands went to my thighs and he firmly parted them. "No, you _can't_!" I couldn't bear the thought of him getting me to like this. I couldn't bear the thought of having yet another betrayal of my body's hormones to my pile. I couldn't  _stand_ knowing that shortly I'll be reduced to what I was before. His nose went to my opening, and he inhaled deeply and I whimpered.

                And then his tongue darted into my folds. I screeched and writhed against him, fighting against the magical manacles on my wrists. “Don’t!” I panted, “Stop!” I didn't  _want_ this!

                I felt his smile, he began to trace circles with his thumbs while he continued to lick and suck and do everything he knew would make me come undone. I shook my head, still unwilling to open my eyes. I held on tightly to the delusion that if I wished hard enough, this would all turn out to be some horrible nightmare or hallucination.

                “Oh my precious flower, how I love to see you in this position.” He said, his voice sending vibrations up my center and just adding to my unfortunate pleasure. "You look so beautiful like this, I can't wait to watch you come undone again and again once more." I tried to snap my legs together, but he miraculously saw it coming and was able to keep me open easily.

                “I don’t want this!” I cried, barely able to say it, I was breathing so hard. I felt him smile again,

                “You’re reactions, my love, provide for the contrary.”

                “Fuck you.” I breathed, he froze.

                “Maia.” He said, standing. I kept my eyes squeezed shut, “Maia, do you not know my opinion on ladies using such vulgar language?” He sounded stern, I was pretty breathless and many, many emotions were running through my body I wasn’t sure how to think.

                “Probably similar to my opinions on _delusional_  rapists.”

                I swear I could hear the slap before it connected. His hand almost seemed to whistle through the air it was going so fast.  My head snapped to the other side and my mind cleared instantly. My eyes flew open against my volition, and he was steaming.

                “Goodness me, darling I didn’t realize you loved this sort of treatment.” He thundered, my lip trembled, giving away my immediate terror. “You want to be treated as a slave, and now you want me to be a rapist? Well then, fine. Your wish is my command, Flower.” I shook my head, so utterly frustrated. 

                “You act as if this is some sort of punishment!” I shrieked at him before he touched me, “You're trying to make me feel guilty despite the fact that all you're doing is treating me the way I was  _always_ treated. Every word out of my mouth was true, you  _fucking_ delusional  _rapist._ ” He glowered, his hand darted out and he ripped my thigh towards him. I screamed in terror as my arms were yanked backwards by the bind and he pulled my legs forward.

                His nails were digging into my flesh and he yanked me forward again and landed me right on his dick. I screamed as he ripped me in half, I was still slightly wet from before, but not nearly ready for this. My screams turned to sobs as he began to pound into me and bite and scratch at the flesh on my front. Every touch was meant purely to cause me pain, he impaled me and went as hard and as fast as he could and I worried that he would rip something inside of me again from the sheer violent thrusts.

                My wrists were suddenly released and he pulled out of me before shoving me to the floor. He pulled me to my knees and stood in front of me.

                “Suck me, _whore_.” He commanded his eyes as dark and angry as ever. I bit my lip and shook my head slowly. He growled lowly and grabbed me by my hair,

                “I said _suck_ , I know you know how. You’ve been getting pretty busy back at your school haven’t you?” I shook my head wildly, he knew that was a lie. He  _knew_ he had ruined me to the point that I could hardly  _kiss_ another person.

                He didn’t let me answer and instead shoved his penis into my open mouth. I choked and pushed my hands against his thighs, trying to break free. He knew I had no gag reflex and continued to fuck my mouth. He removed one of my hands from his thigh and put it on his balls, moaning. I guess my tears helped as lubricant.

                I knew he was close to becoming undone, but he pulled out of my mouth, flipped me over before I could even whimper in protest and shoved into me to the hilt. I didn’t even have time to scream as he pushed and pulled my hips onto his dick until he finally became reached his climax inside of me.

                He released me and I collapsed onto the ground, deflated.

                He left me there, until finally he picked me up and put me in the bed. Every part of my body hurt and I didn't want to think about that pain because I knew that he would soon heal me and then tomorrow the whole cycle would start all over again. This never ending cycle of pain and misery and I wasn't sure I would be able to survive it a second time. He pulled me against him, my back to his front and whispered into my hair,

                “Sorry I became a bit rough with you darling,” I bit back a sob, “But do know that I am finally happy now that we are reunited. You will never have to part from me again.” My pain went away as he healed me, then he almost gently squeezed my breast before wrapping me in his arms once more. He buried his face into the pillow and I waited until I felt his breathing slow as he drifted into sleep before crying again.

               


	2. His Sweet Nothings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A blast to the past
> 
> Thanks to everyone who said I should continue! Sorry for the long wait, but I didn't really have any inspiration for how this story was going to continue.

**On Year Ago**

                My friends had said they would meet up with me. We were going to go to the movies after dinner, my parents were both gone, dinner or something. So there were no cars in the driveway, my friend Carla offered to give me a ride, but sometimes I preferred to walk.

                It was cold, mostly because it was winter, so I had the whole huge jacket, scarf, hat, and gloves going on. From behind I might have given off the appearance of an Eskimo. I was walking along side the road, about ten minutes away from the restaurant when I heard the screech of tires. I whipped around to see a huge van headed towards me, the driver slamming on the brakes only feet away from where I stood.

                The person jumped out of the car, he was tall, and he looked angry.

                “Don’t you know not to walk in the middle of the road at night? I couldn’t even see you, I was _this close_ to hitting you!” My face burned,

                “I’m so sorry. I’m not used to a lot of cars on this road.” The man frowned, he flinched and put a hand to his ear.

                “Are you sure?” My eyebrows scrunched together,

                “Yeah, I’m sure that I—“ He interrupted me with a rude glare,

                “I’m not speaking to you girl.” He snapped. I swallowed and took a step back, “if you’re sure, then…alright.” It dawned on me that I was in a vulnerable position, and he was now looking at me quite strangely.

                “I’m sorry again, but I must be going.” I said hastily,

                “Do you want a ride?” He asked, my heart started hammering in my chest as he stepped towards me.

                “No, I’m alright. I like to take walks in the winter, clears the mind and all that.”

                He stepped closer and it took all my will to keep my breathing calm and steady, “I think I must insist.” He growled. His arm darted out and before I could so much as let out a scream he had a hand over my mouth and another over my torso as he dragged me towards the van. I kicked the air and wriggled trying to get free.

                He shoved me against the side of the van as he hastily tried to open the door and keep me form getting away. I was desperate and clawed at what I could and kicked and screamed against his hand but he managed to toss me into the van after only seconds of brief struggle.

                The door closed behind me and I pulled at the handle inside to no avail. I heard another door open and saw him get in at the driver’s seat. A wiry fence was between the front and the back, and I got the sickening feeling of being in a cage.

                “Let me out.” I demanded, bordering on the edge of hysteria. The man turned to look at me. His eyes were a bright, bright blue. They must have been contacts or something.

                “Sorry, ma’am. Just following orders, you might be a spy.”

                “A what?” I shook my head, “please, I promise I’m not-not a spy? Let me go, I don’t know what you think I’ve done but I haven—“

                “Save it.” He ordered, and turned towards the front and changed the gear into drive. Everything crashed down on me and I started to cry. Quietly at first, but then it turned into outright wails as the ride continued.

                After about ten minutes he lost his patience. “Would you stop that? You’re giving me a headache.”

                I sniffed,  “sorry.” I muttered, ever so polite, then remembering my predicament, “no, no I _won’t_ you’re taking me from my home! I-I haven’t even _done_ anything!” I could practically hear him roll his eyes.

                He didn’t respond, the car was pretty hot, but I decided not to take any of my winter clothing off in case I needed to make a quick escape.

                I needed to calm myself down to think rationally. He obviously wasn’t taking me for some big kidnapping scheme, they thought I was a spy. A spy for what? Maybe if I gathered information, I could prove my innocence to whatever they think I’ve done. Although, maybe gathering information would put me more at risk because whatever they seem to think I’m spying on, they might consider me to know too much, and not let me go!

                I started to breathe heavily again. All of a sudden the car stopped. The man got out and my eyes widened. He was going to let me out, probably to take me elsewhere. But this may be my one shot to run.

                My mind started going a hundred miles a second. _Okay, so when he opens the door, aim a kick at his head and then jump over him. But what if there’s other people?_ The windows were tinted enough that due to the darkness I couldn’t see anything outside. _If there’s other people you’re just gonna have to hope you can outrun them._

                I moved towards the door, thinking that at least I would have the advantage of surprise.

                But the door on the other side of the van opened instead.

                I let out a few curse words as my arms were roughly grabbed. I tried to flip out of their grasp but someone else grabbed my legs. I looked around wildly as they dragged me out of the van. There were at least five grown men around me.

                “LET ME GO!” I screamed, trying to wriggle out of their grasp as I was tossed over someone’s shoulder. “I haven’t even _done_ anything!” I shouted again,

                “Someone gag her.” A person commanded. My eyes widened and someone roughly tied a piece of cloth around my head as I struggled.

                I stopped kicking after a few minutes and just dangled. I tried to formulate a plan, but everything just seemed stupid. It was becoming harder and harder to think about how I might never get out.

                We must have been approaching some sort of building because suddenly we were engulfed in light. I blinked and tried to look around, but someone shoved my head back down to the man’s back.

                I was finally thrown off (which was good because his shoulder had been digging into my belly) and into a wooden chair. I looked around, I was in a bedroom of sorts. Except it had a toilet and a cracked sink in the corner. A bed was in the other corner and I was currently sitting in a wooden chair set with a wooden table and another chair on the other side. The man who had captured me had his hand to his ear again.

                He looked back down at me after nodding. “He’ll be with you in a moment.” He informed me.

                “Who? Wh-where am I?” He didn’t answer and simply left the room, the door closing behind him.

                I realized that this might be my prison, and had to swallow down oncoming tears. I got out of the chair and went to the bed to sit down on it. The mattress was very thin and the blankets scratchy. I sniffed and pulled my jacket, hat, scarf and gloves off. I folded them and put them on the table neatly. I went back to the bed and pulled my knees to my chin.

                The door opened with a bang, and I jumped to my feet immediately.

                Another man entered, and it was all I could do to keep in a gasp. He had black hair that went to his shoulders. And he was wearing a black suit. When he saw me his eyebrows raised.

                “So you’re the little S.H.I.E.L.D. spy that tried to kill Barton?” My eyes widened.

                “Ex-Excuse me?” I stepped backward hesitantly as he signaled for the door to close. “I-I never tried to _kill_ anyone! I was just walking to meet my friends and he almost hit me with his—“

                “Yes, yes. Very clever, really. I must give some credit to S.H.I.E.L.D. for choosing such an innocent looking girl. Why, you can’t be older than seventeen, can you, my dear?” I shuddered at his use of _my dear_. He reminded me of a ferret, with his sharp, dangerous looking eyes.

                “Please, I’m not a spy! I don’t even know what S.H.I.E.L.D is!”

                He waved a hand. “There’s really no use in sticking to your story anymore, dear. The game is up, if you tell me what you know now, I may spare your life.” My heart went into my throat and I started to cry.

                He looked taken aback as I sat down onto the bed and sobbed into my hands. “I’m not lying!” I said between wails. “My name is Maia Cuscrove. I’ve lived in Greendale, Iowa for all my life! I’m seventeen years old and I got into Kentucky University and I start next fall.” I rubbed my eyes and looked up at him as sincerely as I possibly could. “I’m sorry that these shields or whatever are following you, but I really don’t know nothing about this!” I let out another sob, “I just want to go home!” His eyebrows had risen higher and higher at every word I spoke, and it was miraculous to me that his skin hadn’t torn yet. He walked over to me and I scooted over to give him room to sit down.

                “You are a very good liar.” Was what he finally said and I let out another wail. He reached out and I skirted away,

                “I’m not lying, I swear! Don’t-Don’t hurt me!” He caught my wrist and dragged me over to him. I started to hyperventilate as he started to touch my face with his other hand.

                “I can see why they chose you. You’re very pretty in an innocent way.” I squeezed my eyes shut as he leaned forward and breathed in. “I can practically smell your fear.” He whispered, I let out a cry and tried to turn my head away but he caught my chin. My eyes opened and he released a feral grin.

                “Tell me what you know, flower.” He whispered. I started to cry again,

                “I don’t know anything!” I whispered back, my eyes searching his.

                He growled and released me, I fell backwards onto the mattress with a slight bounce.

                “Stand mortal.” He commanded, I swallowed, but did as he said as quickly as possible. I didn’t want him to get angry, although his choice of words confused me.

                A spear type thing appeared in his hand and I screamed and scrambled away from him. He caught my arm easily and I sobbed louder. “No! Don’t kill me, I’m not lying I swear!” He roughly spun me around and crushed me to his chest. I struggled against him, and all of a sudden he released me.

                “No type of martial arts training, none at all?” He mused, looking me over. I was quite disheveled and it took me a moment to process his words.

                “N-no.” I whispered.

                He frowned, and turned and walked out the door that had been opened by the guard. He left without another word.

                “Wait! Does this mean you’re letting me go?” The door was shut in my face before I could step out.

**Present time**

                I was awoken to the sound of bedsprings. And realized with horror that he was already fucking me in my sleep.

                I let out a scream and tried to push him away, but he caught my wrists and continued to thrust in and out of me, letting loose a string of moans and groans.

                “Good morning, Flower.” He grunted, leaning down to capture my lips in his. I struggled against him, and he put both of my wrists in one hand and used the other to grab my hips to push back to meet his thrusts.

                Disgust ran through me as I wondered how long he had been doing this to my sleeping body. He looked down at me with such admiration I was afraid I was going to be sick.

                His thrusts started to become more sloppy and he finished with a groan before he emptied inside me.

                I refused to meet his eyes as he lightly kissed my neck and then pulled out of me. He released my wrists and turned onto his back to lay down next to me. I turned away from him and cradled my wrist to my chest, rubbing it gently. He pulled me to him anyway, and kissed my neck again.

                “I didn’t mean to wake you. But you just looked so beautiful in your sleep, I couldn’t contain myself.” He whispered into my ear. I shuddered, and tears pricked at my eyes. He kissed my neck and his other hand traced over my protruding hip bone.

                “I’ve missed you so much.” He whispered against my skin. I closed my eyes as tears began to flow more freely. “Soon it’ll be like it was, I might even take you on trips to town. But until I know you can be trusted, you’ll have to stay in here, Flower.” I started to weep openly and he pulled himself closer to me, hushing me.

                “Don’t fret, my love.” He said, turning me over to look at him.

                “I don’t want to be here.” I whispered. “I want to go home.” He sighed, and kissed my lips lightly.

                “This is your new home.” He breathed. And I cried harder as he continued to peck my lips and I could feel him begin to grow hard again by my thigh.

                “I’ll never get enough of your lips.” He said, kissing me again and again. I tried to turn my head away but he sternly kept me within reach.

                “Let me go.” I whispered against him. He shook his head,

                “I could never.” He answered. He abruptly flipped me on my back and I sobbed as I readied myself for another round. My vagina felt abused and raw from the lack of lubrication, and I couldn’t help but feel just as I had when he first had me.

                “Do you remember, our first time?” He asked, holding himself on his elbows over me. I nodded stiffly, he leaned down and kissed me again, almost sweetly.

                “I knew you were special from that moment onward.” And then pushed himself into me as I cried out in pain.

**One Year Ago**

                I had been in this place for 4 days, and I was seriously starting to stink. At some time in one of the nights they took my winter clothing I had left on the table, and all of a sudden it started to feel really cold. I rubbed my arms, shivering. Nobody had come to see me since the man with the black hair had left. I wondered if my friends were worried, I wondered what people thought had happened.

                I hoped the police would know something horrible had happened, and were trying to find me. I had only been in that car for an hour, tops. They had to be coming for me sometime.

                I walked to the sink and washed my face. There was no mirror, or soap. And I haven’t been given any food. I was starving and tired. All I did was sleep and occasionally drink water.

                I was bent over the sink when the door opened. I whipped around and screamed when a hand appeared on my shoulder. I almost fell to the floor, but the person caught me before I could.

                I hadn’t heard him come in.

                “My, my aren’t we skittish?” He asked, it was that man again. All I could do was stare at him in terror.

                “No help has come for you yet, and you haven’t exhibited anything that would make you seem to have any martial training.” My hopes soared.

                “Are you going to let me go?” I asked excitedly, pulling myself away from his grasp. He looked down at my form, his eyes dark.

                “I’m afraid not, because now you know too much.” I fell to the bed as my knees gave way.

                “No.” I whispered, putting my hands to my eyes. I felt the bed dip as he sat next to me.

                “Yes, yes. Sorry for the mix up.” He didn’t sound that sorry, his hand went to my thigh and his thumb began to absently stroke it. “I guess you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.” My hands lowered and I fixated on his hand. “We overestimated S.H.I.E.L.D. I suppose, which is actually quite an achievement.”

                I pushed his hand away from me and stood up, walking away from him.

                “I just want to go home!” I turned to face him, “I’m not going to say anything to anyone! I swear! Just let me go home!” He sighed, and stood too.

                “Yes, I can’t say I’m not a bit sorry for your family. How they are mourning your disappearance. But don’t worry, time can heal all wounds.” I covered my sob with my hand and turned away again.

                “We will take good care of you, Flower.” He whispered, I felt his breath on my neck. I shuddered as his arm wrapped around my middle.

                “What are you doing?” I asked quietly, my back stiff with fear. He placed a light kiss onto my neck and his hand lowered to the waistband of my skinny jeans. “No.” I whispered, starting to shake. He pulled at the button and my pants became undone.

                “No!” I shouted, shoving him away from me, I turned around to face him and backed away and my back hit the wall. He growled and advanced onto me like a lion to its prey.

                “Don’t touch me.” I snapped, but he ignored me and pulled me to him, his mouth lowering to my neck. I shoved him away from me again and I ran forward blindly,but I had miscalculated the size of the room and tripped on the bed. I fell forward, face first, and I felt his hand on my neck as he shoved me further in the bed, trapping me there.

                “No!” I screamed, starting to sob and thrash wildly. I felt animalistic, and I kicked my legs behind me as hard as I could. He held me to the bed with one miraculously strong arm and pulled my pants down with the other. I grew more frantic and desperate and he _laughed_ and kissed the back of my neck. I sobbed and screamed, and he pulled my thong down with an animalistic growl.

                “You were just waiting for me, weren’t you?” He asked, smacking my ass. I cried out again as he rubbed the chilled globes. "My perfect little whore. I can't wait to bury my dick in your cunt, and remind you of your place like all the rest of your kind." I heard a belt clinking and I  _fought_ and I  _struggled_ but it did nothing, then I felt something foreign on my ass and I screamed as loud as I could  _praying_ someone would come save me from this nightmare. His fingers were shoved inside me and I cried out again, he hissed in anger at something, and then suddenly my insides felt wet and drippy. "Much better." He whispered to himself. My noises turned to wheezes as I prepared myself for what I knew was coming. His hips ground into mine from behind and he shoved me further into the bed. Then all of a sudden,  _it was inside me_ and he was  _way too big for that to fit_. 

                I screamed and grabbed the sheets so hard my nails dug into my palms. I felt a rip inside of me and he laughed mercilessly, overjoyed by my obvious pain.

                “So you’re all mine then?” He questioned, leaning down towards my ear. His hand  snaked under my body and grabbed at my breasts and I tried to shift to get away from him, but he easily kept me under him. I sobbed as he started thrusting into me without a moment’s hesitation for my comfort. “Ah, you’re so tight and warm around me, Flower.” He muttered into my ear, I cried harder as he continued to whisper about how good I felt. His words started to become more breathless and finally he stopped speaking, just making the occasional grunt.

                He slammed into me without mercy and all I could hear was the sound of skin slapping skin and his occasional moan. I was silent by now, my eyes squeezed shut and my fists clenched so hard they were white. I could feel his lips all over my body as he licked and bit at the exposed skin on my neck and my back. Finally he stopped and shoved himself to the hilt inside of me and erupted, collapsing onto my back. I felt something warm trickling down my thigh as he pulled out.

                He rolled off of me and I pulled my knees to my chest and cried. He tucked himself back into his pants and left the room without another word. He had a habit of doing that.


	3. Welcome to his Twisted World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait! I have a lot on my plate right now, and just a lack of inspiration and motivation I guess...

I was still curled in a ball when the door opened again later that night. I heard footsteps nearing my body and I tensed, my fists clenching.

                “Miss, Loki requests your presence in his room. You’ll be sleeping there from now on.” Fresh tears bubbled up and I released a sob, shaking my head.

                “No, please no.” I whispered, the person shifted uncomfortably.

                “I’m afraid he insists. I-I don’t have a choice in the matter.” I shook my head, tears slipped down my cheeks and landed onto the disgusting blankets below me.

                “He-He _raped_ me.” I whispered, if I didn’t hear the gasp of surprise that was immediately covered by a cough, I wouldn’t have thought the person had heard me at all. “Don’t make me see him.” I pleaded quietly.

                The response was hands sliding under my body and lifting me to their chest. I sobbed into their shirt as they brought me out of the room and down a hall.

                We walked for a while, the only sound were the echoing footsteps and my quiet cries every now and then. The-the _incident_ had only happened a couple of hours ago, and I wasn’t sure if I had ever stopped crying. I hadn’t moved at all, and I could feel the liquid in between my legs still. I was a puddle of self pity and self loathing at the moment.

                His name was Loki. I didn’t know that until this man just told me. _Loki_ it fit him, as names usually do. But at the same time, I wished he had a name that seemed scarier. Like, well I don’t know. I suppose there really aren’t any scary names, unless you’re named Charlie the Ax Murderer, then I apologize.

                The guard set me on my feet to put a pin code in the wall next to a door. I was ushered in, only to meet another door, the guard pressed a button and leaned into a microphone “Sir, I have the woman you requested.” The response was a loud beep, and the door slid open.

                He gestured towards the door and I swallowed nervously. I looked at the door and then back at him, “Please,” I pleaded one last time. His eyes were bright blue, just like the man who had first captured me. I cocked my head to the side, he huffed impatiently and grabbed my elbow and threw me into the room before I realized what was happening.

                I stumbled in, and whirled around to see the door closing behind me. My throat closed up, slowly, I turned around to inspect my surroundings.  The room was big, the floor was cold and the walls were a plain dark green. The room was basically empty, save a couch and a table in the middle of the room. There were four doors, two to my right, one on the wall opposite me, and of course the one I had just been shoved through.

                I contemplated just slamming myself against the door and begging until someone let me out, but I didn’t think it would do much good. No one seemed to have any real _human_ characteristics around here. They were more like robots, obeying L-

                I couldn’t even bring myself to think his name. It felt like some sort of taboo, that if I thought it or said it he would simply appear.

                I wondered why they brought me here, maybe he was just going to kill me and rid himself of me once and for all. My chest tightened at the thought, and I walked toward the couch just so I wouldn’t have to stand around for any longer.

                The cushions were soft, much softer than that sad pile of blankets they called a mattress back in my room-cell? It surely felt a lot better on my bruised body than the “mattress” had. I twiddled my thumbs for a moment, looking around uncomfortably. When I could contain myself no longer I bowed my head and started to cry again. Here I was, in this weirdly empty room, with no idea what was about to happen to me. I was either going to be killed or—

                A hand on my thigh startled me so badly I fell backwards on the couch.

                “My dear Maia, you look positively mortified.” It was him, standing over me with a condescending smile, his head tipped to the side so his black hair fell over his shoulder. I shuddered at the sight of him and scrambled even farther back, so my head hit the armrest of the couch.

                “D-Don’t” I whispered when he started to reach for me. He paused, chuckling.

                “Don’t what?” He taunted, suddenly he was on top of me and I cried out in fear and surprise. He was straddling my hips, his hands on either side of my face. “Don’t touch you?” He asked, running the back of his hand along the side of my body, I squeaked in shame. “Don’t-Don’t kiss you?” He whispered, leaning forward and letting his lips lightly graze along my own. I turned my head away, tears beginning to flow again.

                “Don’t-Don’t fuck you?” I sobbed, as his hips started to grind against mine, my head was fully turned away, but that didn’t stop him from sucking and nipping my neck and at one point my ear.

                “Oh, what is wrong my dear Maia?” He asked, turning my head back to face him. I just gazed up at him fearfully. He was teasing me, this-this _monster_ was toying with me.

                “Please, please don’t do it again.” I whispered, unable to make my voice any louder. He just chuckled and buried his face into my neck.

                “Do you realize how many women would kill to be in your position?” He questioned, his voice slightly muffled by my neck. My hands curled into fists as anger started to flood through my veins instead of the fear that had frozen them.

                “Well why don’t you go get one of them then?” I snapped, turning my head away again. He sat up quickly, moving away from me. I sat up too and went as far as I could on the other side of the couch and pulled my knees to my chest and gazed at him warily.

                He was staring at me, as if not sure who I was.

                “You’re very brave, mortal.” He finally said, I cocked my head. “To be in such a position as your own, and yet still contain such…” He paused, searching for the right word. “-Fire.” His eyes lit up and I jumped off the couch, I was not into the way he was looking at me.

                “Please, just let me go and I won’t tell anyone anything that happened, honest!” I babbled, backing away from his as he advanced on me like a cat to its prey. He smiled,

                “Oh darling, how could I possibly let you go, when I’ve only just begun to discover your wonderful…” He looked up and down my body shamelessly, “ _assets_ ”. I swallowed, still backing away slowly.

                “And you’re okay with this?” I whispered, too afraid to speak any louder. “You’re okay with raping someone? Keeping her against her will?” His face didn’t falter for a second, my back hit the wall and he was caging me in in a matter of milliseconds.

                “Oh my dear, I’m ecstatic about it.” He leaned down, “I’m the monster your mother warned you about at night.” He whispered, and pressed his surprisingly cold lips to mine.

 

                **Present Day**

                “L-Sir?” I asked, he was reading by the gigantic fireplace, he didn’t look up, only raised his hand in response. I sat down on the stool in front of him and waited for him to finish his page or paragraph or whatever. I fiddled with the end of my quickly tearing shirt until finally he looked up.

                “Yes, what is it?” He asked, closing his book but keeping his finger on his page. I had been with him for at least five days now. It was a constant struggle every day to manage to eat with all of the “demands” he had been putting on me. He really had missed me, and went out of his way to let me know it. Today was finally a break, and I really didn’t want to get on his bad side when I was finally able to sleep without waking up to a dick in me.

                “I-I was just wondering, _sir_ , if maybe… Well if you wouldn’t mind—Could you possibly… Um—“

                “Darling, just ask.”

                “I was wondering if maybe you c-could get me some more clothes, maybe?” I said, I swallowed nervously. When he didn’t answer right away my heart started to beat erratically. “I mean- if it’s too much don’t worry about it. I can just continue to clean these, it’s really no—“

                “Darling I would _love_ to bring you more clothes.” I looked up in surprise, he was beaming down at me. He bent back the corner of the page he was working on and set it to the side, patting his lap. I swallowed, but climbed up on his long legs anyway and straddled him, putting my arms around his neck obediently.

                “I am so happy, do you know why, flower?” I shook my head no, his hand came up to caress my face. “This means that you’ve come to accept your stay here.” He said, his eyes big. My eyebrows furrowed and I pulled away from him. His hand came up quickly and wrapped around me to keep me from getting away.

                “Don’t get ahead of yourself.” I said, “I just don’t want to walk around in these rags that you’ve ripped a thousand times already.” He frowned, but I didn’t regret my words. I feared him, but I would not let him get away with thinking I had accepted anything. I would be stronger than I was the last time.

                He shoved me off of him and I landed onto the cold floor on my ass.  
                “Is that how you want to play it then?” He snarled, kicking me out of his way as he stood. “Fine, then no clothes. At all.” He leaned down and ripped my torn tank top off my body. I yelped and tried to drag myself away, but he pulled my shorts off easily while pulling me back to him.

                “No, please no!” I pleaded, trying to push him away as he dragged me over to the bed. He threw me onto his mattress like a rag doll and made his clothes vanish, he caught my leg and dragged me to the edge of the bed. I stopped struggling and laid limp as he rubbed himself and magically lubed himself up.

                There was no way I could get away, and any more struggle would either anger or excite him further, and I didn’t really want either alternative. He finally shoved himself inside of me and I cried out, almost just for the dramatic effect. I was growing numb, but I didn’t want him to know that. He couldn’t win, not yet.

                If I was going to spend the rest of my life here, I at least wanted to remember the time that _I had fought back_. I feared there wouldn’t be enough instances to remember it by.

 

**One Year Ago**

                I shoved him away after a second of contact between us. “ _I said don’t_.” I snarled, slipping away from the wall and into the center of the room. He stumbled backwards a few steps, not because I was strong enough to move him. It was mostly out of shock, I guess. He was frozen for a moment, and I too was still, watching him warily.

                I felt like a wild animal, I was confused and scared and I felt ready to rip his arm off with my teeth if he touched me again. I was not some sort of doll, and I certainly wouldn’t submit to his disgusting fantasies.

                “I admire your fire, darling.” He said finally, looking up so our eyes met. I didn’t dare break eye contact, I wasn’t backing down. Not this time. “But you really, really shouldn’t have done that.” He advanced again and I turned and ran towards one of the doors.

                The handle was cool to the touch and I pulled it to no avail. My heart was hammering in my chest, before he could get to me I ran to another door, but it too was locked. I spun around to see him only feet away. My mind raced as I tried to think of a way out of this, to find a way to escape.

                “I do love a good chase, but I’m not in the mood darling.” He said slowly, he didn’t walk so much as stride. I frowned,

                “Stop toying with me like I some sort of… toy!” My words weren’t as convicting as I had hoped, but I didn’t really care. I just wanted out, out of this nightmare. This really, really vivid nightmare.

                I ran towards the last door, but not a lot of hope filled my chest this time. Still I turned the knob, and to my surprise it turned. I pushed forward, excitement filling my veins, when to my extreme disappointment, it didn’t budge.

                “No.” I whispered, falling forward so my forehead rested against it.

                His hand was on my arm, and he ripped me around so I was facing him. Before I could react he brought the back of his hand across my face. I cried out and fell against the door, bringing a hand to my stinging cheek.

                “As exciting as this is, it is time to stop fighting.” I felt a sob bubble up my throat and turned to him.

                “I just want to go home.” I whispered, he smirked, then guided me by the elbow to the couch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to comment what you think! Having a motivation problem lately...


	4. Call me Agent Maia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longer one, to make up for the fact that I'm a shit updater (sorry!). Not as much smut in this one, but there will be more in the next chapter, I promise. Thank you so much to everyone who has commented or kudosed or bookmarked this fic I'm so glad you like my story and I promise I get a huge smile at every comment! Love you all!

**One Year Ago**

               

**Five Months Ago**

               He was mad. He was angrier right now than he ever was. Although, in my defense, it wasn’t even my fault. I only ripped one of his shirts when I was washing in the river, and it’s not like he doesn’t have magic that can fix anything. I suppose that the littlest things piss him off ever since we lost at the battle of New York, but honestly this is just ridiculous. Not that I have the guts to tell him that.

                One of the blue eyes took his shirt from my hands as Loki stalked towards me, pure fury written across his face. I pushed myself further against the cavern wall, scrambling for something to say in my defense.

                “Sir, I--” He cut me off by slapping me across the face. I let out a yelp and crashed against the hard stone. I ricocheted off and landed on the ground. I lifted myself up, brushing the dirt off my already dirty dress and blinked hard, trying to clear the stars from my vision.

                “Your idiocy never seems to disappoint, _flower_.” He sneered. I kept my head bowed, knowing by now not to make eye contact in these types of moments. “The others have no problems following orders, yet you always manage to mess up the simplest of tasks.” I frowned inwardly, not _exactly_ true. Besides, he didn’t beat up his other slaves—only me.

                Loki scoffed, I gasped, realizing he might have been reading my thoughts. I looked up at him quickly,

                “I’m so sorry--” I started to plead, tears filling my vision. _Stupid, stupid, stupid._ Nothing was my own, not even my thoughts, I knew that. Angry thoughts against him would only cause me more pain.

                He punched me in the stomach and I doubled over, then he gripped me by the neck and slammed me into the wall. I cried out, desperately clawing at his hands, searching for air.

                “What am I supposed to do with you? You’re useless to me, and all you do is add more to the list of problems I have here. I can’t try to bring down the Avengers while simultaneously trying to keep you under control, mortal.” My chest was burning, just as I felt I was about to faint he released me. I collapsed to the ground, to his feet. Just how he liked me to be.

                I heard him move away from me, but I was too busy gasping for breath that I didn’t wonder where he was going. When I finally composed myself enough to look up, I saw him carrying the spear. My hand flew to my mouth and I backed back into the wall, shaking my head fervently.

                “Maybe this will help our situation, hm?” Tears sprang to my eyes, and I continued to shake my head.

                “Stand, mortal.” He commanded, with the audacity to _smirk_.

                “No—Please, I’ll get better! I promise! Please, please—“ I continued to beg through my sobs as he lifted me to my feet and brought the spear to my chest. I fought against him, the first time in months, but I was useless against him.

                “You haven’t wanted to use it before—why now? Please don’t—please! God dammit, just _listen_ to me!” But it was all in vain. I continued to struggle and plead heedlessly until I felt the cold metal touch the center of my chest.

                Loki sneered as my eyes went bright blue.

***

**Present Day**

                I was brought outside today. I think I’ve been with him for two weeks. I see him smiling at me as I touch a bright pink flower and gaze up at the cloudless sky. Palm trees dot the landscape and I can see a beach with bright cerulean waves hungrily lapping the shore. It was beautiful, flowers and other exotic plants were everywhere. I could hear birds singing in the distance, and the air smelled sweet and like the sea.

                We walk down a dirt road, his hand in mine. It would seem like a sweet, coupley-like gesture to anyone just passing by—but I know what it is. He’s making sure I don’t attempt to run away. But I’m not stupid enough to think I could ever get away from him.

                Where would I go anyway? Judging by the climate and what time it is, we’re somewhere tropical. It’s only been a couple weeks since Christmas, so we’re probably somewhere right on the equator. He decided to get me some clothes due to my “good behavior”. I felt like a dog being trained.

                He had bought me a dress for the trip already, but he wanted me to pick out the clothing I would have. We neared a market square, many vendors and few shoppers filled the market. After weeks of seeing no one but _him_ I was taken aback.

                I knew that there were supposed to be people here, but I was still surprised to see other humans. I subconsciously drew closer to him, and he put a possessive arm around my thin shoulders. Vendors shouted at us, trying to draw us to their stands, but he was steering me towards a specific stand.

                As I looked around at the clothing, he wandered over to a jewelry stand. My hand brushed the silken fabrics hanging nearest me. Everything was light and airy (very touristy), there were woven sandals and round sunglasses. I picked up a few skirts and some simple shirts. My eyes kept drifting to a blue necklace, but I didn’t really have the urge to ask _him_ for anything extravagant or unnecessary. I didn’t want him to think me in his debt or something silly like that.

                He came back and paid for my clothes and some undergarments, and we headed back to the spot where he had transported us to. For all I knew, the mountain we lived in wasn’t even near this island. It’s not like he would tell me anyways. He was so medieval in the fact that he believed I was best seen and not heard, and knowledge was for men.

                Unfortunately, misogyny was not his worst facet to his personality. Abusive, sexual, attentive, and just sadistic were among the parts of him that made him the monster he is.

                Once we were back, with the most excitement I’ve had since I arrived I unpacked all the stuff I got and put it in a dresser near the bathroom. I quickly changed out of the dress and put on the sweats he had begrudgingly let me get after a lot of begging. They felt like heaven on my cold legs. The fire at the other end of the room did very little to heat up the room, I assumed that it wasn’t even real, just some type of illusion he put on.

                After I put on a plain tee shirt I could feel him behind me and I stiffened subconsciously. He rubbed my hip and I felt something cold on my collar bone. I looked down to see the necklace I had been looking at being placed around my neck. My breath hitched and I touched it softly.

                “Y-You didn’t have to.” I said quietly, knowing I should say something. I could feel him smile as he kissed the top of my head.

                “When will you realize that anything you desire—is yours, flower?” I looked down at my socks and shrugged. He kissed my shoulder, moving my shirt sideways.

                “Uh-What are we having for dinner?” I was way too comfy for him to be taking off my clothing now. His hand moved off my hip and I turned around to look at him.

                “I got you some midguardian fruit and that boxed pasta you were rambling about the other day.” He waved his hand dismissively, but I had to hide the smile that almost spread across my face.

                “You mean Mac and Cheese?” I asked, trying to keep the excitement out of my voice. I didn’t like him to see me joyful, he didn’t deserve that. But just even the mention of some Mac and Cheese was enough to make me jump for joy. Especially after all the weird canned stuff he’s been giving me. _He_ doesn’t need to eat as much as I do, and when he does he eats weird Asgardian shit he still has.

                I wonder where he gets it, considering he had to escape from there. He still hasn’t mentioned how he escaped in the first place. Judging by the bruises that still dot his back I doubt he had an easy life there. Which unfortunately makes me pity him. Which pisses me off entirely, because I bet I have more bruises from last night than he’s had to suffer from his entire life.

                _He_ has a completely different place that he makes all my food in, I don’t even know how many locations he has secured. This mountain has one purpose, to be my prison.

***

**One Year Ago**

I woke up in Loki’s room with a pounding headache. Honestly, everything ached. I looked around tiredly, I hadn’t really gotten much of a chance to look around last night since all Loki did was—

                I couldn’t bring myself to think about it. Although I did get a great rush of sickness and I ran to the bathroom and puked. I hadn’t eaten for three days so there wasn’t much left to give and I ended up dry heaving for what felt like hours until finally my body decided that was fine.

                I didn’t have the energy to get up, I laid down on the cold tile and closed my eyes. What was someone even supposed to do in this situation? I obviously couldn’t make any plans to run away since the sociopath didn’t even have any windows.

                I really, _really_ missed my mom. I started to cry again, no sobs, just big tears rolling down my face as I laid next to a toilet filled with my vomit. I brought my knees to my chest and mourned the loss of my freedom and my virginity. I lived a very privileged life, and certainly wasn’t used to not eating for days on end. Obviously I also wasn’t used to the pain of being r--.

                I didn’t want to think about that. I pressed the front of my face into the cool tile, thinking that maybe that would get rid of my thoughts. Or maybe even cause me to fall asleep and wake up from whatever this nightmare was.

                I knew this was reality though, I could never dream up this kind of misery.

                I heard the door open and I felt my entire body freeze. I scrambled into the tub and closed the curtain, foolishly thinking that maybe if Loki didn’t see me, he wouldn’t bother me.

                “Maia, come out from the bathroom I need to discuss something with you, flower.” I hated that nickname he gave me. I didn’t really want him to call me anything, I didn’t even want him to know who I was.

                I complained to myself in my head for a minute before he got impatient and yanked the shower curtain open. I yelped in surprise and almost fell, but I caught myself on my elbows.

                “Rule number one, when I tell you to do something, you do it. Immediately. Now get up before I get angry.” I gulped, gazing up at him. He was wearing a black jacket and had a cane in his hand. His hair was neat and tucked behind his ears. Was he going out or something?

                I stood tentatively, and took his outstretched hand. He led me towards the bed and I my breathing quickened. I drew back, not wanting to continue. He grew impatient and tossed me forward like a sack of potatoes.

                “I just want to talk, you dramatic thing.” He snapped as I landed on the bed. I scrambled up and sat on the farthest corner I could when he sat next to me. He frowned but didn’t push me to move closer.

                “Now, I don’t really think you have a need to know this, but I’ve decided to be nice to you.” My eyebrows furrowed.

                “We’ll be moving you soon, and I will be absent for no more than a few days. Whether you’ll be conscious or not will be based upon your behavior.” My eyebrows rose. I felt like a child being lectured by a parent before the babysitter showed up. But also I felt excitement grow in my belly, this could be it. This could be my chance to escape!

                I nodded quickly, “I’ll be on my best behavior, I swear. Where am I going? Why am I even going somewhere?” I bet the police were on his trail, my excitement grew. I was going to be free soon!

                He frowned, “I do not appreciate questions.” I scoffed,

                “What’s that supposed to mean?” He didn’t answer, instead he stood up and smoothed his coat.

                “One of my men will be in to collect you soon, I suggest you take a shower.” He wrinkled his nose and I frowned.

                “Asshole”. I muttered under my breath when he was at the door. Like a hawk he turned around, an eyebrow raised.

                “Excuse me?”

                “How did you even hear me—“

                “Maia, I know you have not been here long, but I do not tolerate disrespect. The fact that you still have a mind of your own means that I enjoy your spirit to a certain level, do not make me reconsider that privilege.” My face contorted into confusion. _What in the hell is he talking about? He’s crazier than I thought._

                “What did I just say?” He bellowed, my eyebrows furrowed further. _I didn’t even say anything!_

                “Yes but you thought it.” He snarled. I swallowed slowly as he stalked toward me. _He cannot read my thoughts, it was just a lucky guess._

                He smirked, my heartbeat quickened. _No way._

                “Surprised?” He questioned, _no way. Balloons, puppies, my mother—_ he repeated every word I envisioned in my head. I felt close to fainting as he crept closer to me. I scrambled backwards on the bed as he climbed up.

                “You look so cute when you’re scared.” He whispered and buried his head in my neck. I desperately tried to shove him away as he began to remove my clothes.

                “Stop, please don’t, not right now!” I couldn’t even bring myself to cry, I was so terrified. I slammed my knees together, trying to keep him away from me, he easily tugged off my shirt then went to work pulling off his own clothes, keeping me pinned to the bed with his long legs.

                I couldn’t seem to breathe, I screamed for help, even though I knew I would get none. He grew irritated by my cries, and while pulling of his pants snapped at me to keep quiet.

                All of a sudden I couldn’t feel my voice. My heart hammered against my ribcage as I touched my throat, trying my hardest to scream like I desperately wanted too. My eyes flickered up to him as I silently shrieked, he smirked. _He-He has magic._

                I fought him frantically as he pulled off my jeans and my underwear, tears finally sprang free and ran down my face as I continued to mouth profanities at him. The room was filled with his chuckles as he worked to get me under control and my weird emissions of air as I tried to use my voice.

                Finally he rendered me useless when he got me in his desired position. I thrashed underneath him as he pulled my legs apart, I shook my head side to side as he shoved two fingers in my dry entrance.

                I sat straight up in pain, almost hitting his head with mine. He took the change to latch his mouth on my neck as my head was turned away from him. I tried to shove his chest but he wouldn’t budge. He pressed my back into the bed against, moving his fingers rapidly. But unfortunately for him, rape didn’t turn me on.

                He gave up after a couple of minutes and readied himself at my entrance. He found my lips and pressed his mouth to mine before slowly pushing himself in. I silently cried out into his mouth, somehow he had lubricated himself but I didn’t really care how.

                I stopped struggling against him and let him plunder my mouth and body. I laid like a dead fish, which displeased him almost as much as me fighting against him. He pinched and squeezed, trying to get a reaction out of me as I disconnected from reality. I wanted to just float out of my body and disappear. I wanted my existence to just disappear to nothing, I wanted to be nothing.

                Finally he released my mouth and moved down my chest. I let my head flop to the side, my cheek coming in contact with the comforter. It was dark blue, my mom liked blue. Tears rushed to my eyes as I once again came into the childish longing to want my mother.

                Loki lifted my limp arms around himself, he was pretending that I was a willing partner. I wanted to scoff, but I was a dead fish, and those don’t scoff. Loki trailed his kisses back up my chest, sucking my collar bone. I winced at all the saliva on my body, if I didn’t want to take a shower before, I certainly did now. But no amount of water would be able to wash away the bruises he would leave.

                I wanted his surprisingly cold hands off my body. I didn’t want to feel the tips of his hair as it brushed my bare skin. I wanted my biggest worry to be my Chemistry test, not that I might fall pregnant with a sociopathic man’s child. I closed my eyes and Loki’s pace quickened. He wrapped my knees around his legs, groaning into my ear.

                Finally he finished, but he didn’t leave right away which pissed me off. He laid on top of me for a minute, breathing heavily. I felt itchy and disgusting, all I wanted to do was scrub every inch of my body until I was raw. But he wouldn’t move, and I certainly wasn’t going to tell him to go.

                He pulled out of me and nipped the shell of my ear. “I guess a little goodbye sex was in order, hm?” I didn’t respond.

                He sat up and waited, probably wanting me to do the same. But I didn’t care, I was a dead fish. He let out a huff of air, but got off the bed and set to retrieving his clothing.

                “One of my men will be in to collect you soon, make sure you’re clean before they come. They have orders to wash you themselves if they have to.” I shivered, but didn’t respond. The door slammed, signifying that he left. I felt my tensed muscles relax automatically by his exit and contemplated exactly how long “soon” was.

                After a few minutes I gave up being a dead fish and tentatively lifted my bruised body off the bed. Getting in the shower and scrubbing my body turned out to be quite the treat. I turned up the water temperature until it left red marks on my body. I used half a bottle of body soap scrubbing every inch of my body. I left the area between my thighs for last.

                I grabbed a washcloth and between my teeth before starting to clean…down there. I screamed into the cloth in pain and stilled after barely touching my sore area. I decided to start down by my thighs—which was still very bruised and methodically removed the crusted blood and semen.

                I had to jump out of the shower and throw up twice before I finally finished the job. I was exhausted—but clean.

                I wrapped a fluffy white robe around myself and threw my old clothes in the trash bin; they were too torn to be useful anyway. I doubted that anyone here really cared about my comfort, but I doubted they would make me run around in a robe the whole time. Although, there was still a major possibility. I wasn’t here for a reason that required me to wear clothes anyway.

                I shoved down the oncoming bile that came up with just thinking about my predicament and set to doing some mindless tasks while I waited: drying my hair, braiding my hair, counting the ceiling tiles, and so on.

                Finally after possibly a couple of hours the lock of the door clicked as someone came in. I instinctively got off the bed and backed up to the wall, my heart pounding. The person entered, clothes in their arms. His dark hair covered most of his eyes, but the blinding blue that everyone except Loki had almost seemed to shine through his hair like lights.

                I swallowed and firmly told myself to get my act together. I was going to try to escape, and I couldn’t act like a scared rabbit every time I saw another human if I was going to succeed.

                “H-Hello, are those clothes for me?” I managed to keep my voice steady after stuttering once, which I awarded myself by giving myself a mental high five. The man nodded, setting them on the bed, and I was grateful to not have to touch him.

                I took the clothes and went into the bathroom to change. When I reemerged, I saw him in the same place, the robotic motions of everyone puzzled me, but after seeing what Loki was capable of…

                The man nodded to me, and wordlessly left the room, leaving the door open which I took as my cue to follow him. Not wanting to screw up my escaping chances by seeming incompetent or something I quickly sped up to catch up to him. He was briskly walking through the big room with the couch in it, and headed toward the second door on the right. He swiped a key card, and the door clicked then opened. He pulled it wider, and gestured me to go through.

                We continued through the hallways until we finally reached the outdoors. Everyone was packing things into one big truck, and I looked at it curiously. Others were loading things into a helicopter, and I wondered where Loki was. I was led towards one of the trucks, where another blue eyed man was working on something behind the plastic curtain.

                I didn’t try to run away, there were far too many people and I had no idea where this base was. I’d better my chances if I waited for an opportunity, I just needed to be patient. I wasn’t going to make flimsy plans like I had in the van where I was first kidnapped. I was going to be smart about this, my entire future depended on it.

                I was strapped into one of the seats like a toddler, and the man who had led me everywhere sat next to me. My bodyguard or guard or whatever I’m supposed to call him most likely. I weighed my options in my head, Loki said he would be gone a few days, so it sounds like wherever I was going I would be alone. If I ran now I could be skipping out on the opportunity for lighter security wherever we were going. Or, for all I knew, the new place could be swimming with Loki’s men.

                The truck started up and I heard the sound of the helicopters lifting off nearby. I felt the wheels spit gravel as we started to move, and I hoped to god I wouldn’t get motion sick.

                That’s when realization struck me. Of course! I looked around, besides my guard, there were only a few people inside the truck including the scientist and the driver. I knew I had to wait though, how long was I in the van before we arrived here? An hour or two maybe, I needed to wait at least an hour. For all I knew we were going in the opposite direction of where I lived, but I obviously needed to wait until we were far away from this place.

                I put my head between my legs, readying the act. My guard didn’t ask me anything though, so I put in a few groans of discomfort in for good measure. I continued this for about forty five minutes, just when I felt like my head was going to explode from all the blood rushing to my head, I decided to act.

                I sat up slowly, putting my head against the wall of the truck to try to get back to normal first. I squeezed my eyes shut and took a few deep breaths, before quietly saying “W-We need to pull over, I’m gonna barf”.

                My guard was silent for a minute, pondering this, but my long act before must have convinced him because he told the driver to pull over.

                He unbuckled me from my seatbelt and I jumped out of the van and leaned over the side, making the loudest sound I possibly could. My guard followed me outside, just like I hoped. I turned toward him, then doubled over like I was going to throw up again, before I made a mad snatch at his gun. I ripped it from his holster and backed away quickly, clicking off the safety as I did.

                “Don’t make a sound” I said quietly, trying to not alert the driver to anything funny going on outside. The guard raised his hands above his head.

                “You’re making a mistake.” I scoffed, I had the entire ride to formulate my plan, and so far it was running along quite smoothly. I thanked Franklin for making dad teach us how to use guns, then motioned him towards the front.

                “I don’t want to have to hurt anyone, but I’ve been through hell and I’m not at my most sympathetic stage right now. Walk up towards the front of the truck.” I had counted all of the people in the truck, it was just me, two scientists, the driver, and this guard. Most likely just the guard and possibly the driver had guns or any type of martial arts training. So getting them tied up first would be my best shot at getting out of here. We walked alongside the truck, and I told him to stay put before throwing open the passenger side door. The driver was listening to the radio before I interrupted him. I aimed the gun at him, keeping my guard in my line of vision.

                “Get out of the truck quietly, any earpieces or whatever type of that communication spy shit needs to be left on the seat.” I didn’t need to explain myself to him, he did as I asked, his hands also raised. “Now cross in front of the truck, to me, but stop five feet before you get to me.” I ordered, my voice was shaking and I was so ready to just get out of here. Two down, two more to go. I ordered both men in front of me and we went back towards the back of the truck again, I had watched enough TV that I was feeling pretty sure of my ability to make a foolproof plan. But I had miscalculated on the “scientists”. As soon as I got to the back of the truck, a foot seemed to appear out of no where and kick the gun out of my hand. My head snapped up to see a girl, who I had assumed was a scientist. I had enough sense to run away from her and towards my gun. But the two men were ready for me. One of them—the driver, grabbed my elbow and threw me into the other guy, my guard.

                “Shit!” I shouted, struggling against him. He had me by the back of my arms and dragged my struggling form into the truck. Desperately I put my feet against the open back door of the truck, trying to keep myself from being pushed inside. I continued to curse and yell, hoping that a car would pass by and see me. The driver retrieved my guard’s gun and he jogged back to us, grabbing my legs and they threw me inside. I quickly rolled over, trying to stand up, but the girl pinned me back down. I yelled in frustration as my guard got in the truck and closed the door behind him, and the truck took off again.

                She released me and I shoved her away, turning my head sharply to look the bitch in the eyes.

To my surprise, her eyes weren’t blue. Maybe it was some sort of virus and she hadn’t caught it yet. She smirked at me and I surprised her by spitting at her feet.

                “Evil bitch.” I snarled as my guard dragged me back to the seat, my eyes on hers. Her eyes narrowed, but I wasn’t done. “Do you even know what they’re keeping me for? Disgusting sadistic moth--” I was cut off by cloth being roughly tied around my mouth. I was strapped down, and now gagged. Great.

                She didn’t say anything, she looked me up and down, before entering the little sciency area behind the plastic curtain again. I screamed some muffled things at her before deflating, defeated.

                I had fucked up my only chance at escape. No way would I be given an inch of freedom after this. I had the overwhelming urge to break things, but the fuckers had strapped me down like some sort of mental health patient. I eyed my guard angrily, trying to convey as much hate as I possibly could with a look. But he wasn’t paying attention to me.

                After a few minutes all the anger left me like air leaving a half inflated balloon. Devastating sadness took hold and tears leaked out of my eyes. It was all over. It would be a long time before I would have another chance to escape, I knew it. And most likely I wouldn’t be alive to see it. Why I was being kept alive now was a fate worse than death anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be up in *at least* a month, I swear. I'm gonna try to be better about updating.


	5. Twisted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look how fast I updated! Wowee! (I have a lot of free time on my hands admittedly, but still, I'm happy)

**Present Day**

                He cries in his sleep. I hear him next to me, right as I am about to fall asleep it starts. I know he’s not awake, he would never allow himself the weakness, especially in front of me. He sniffles and wails and I can’t help but feel small pangs of pity every time he cries out. But I can’t feel too bad, after all, the only reason I ever cried like that is because of him. Tonight he is talking, little murmurs between each sob followed by a series of high pitched groans. I want to stuff my head under a pillow, but maybe the lack of sleep will cause me to grow ill and maybe die.

                “Maia, Maia no!” My eyebrows furrow, is he dreaming about me?

                His whole body shudders and he claws at his pillow, he suddenly screams, an otherworldly sound and I sit up straight in the bed.

                “Don’t touch me!” He screams, I nervously tuck my hair behind my ears. He hasn’t shouted any comprehendible words before. They’ve always been in another language, or just simply gibberish.

                “No! You can’t-Not- _Not her_!” He screams into the bed, I push myself off the bed, taking care not to jostle him. His cries were scaring me, despite my attempts to try to take a sick joy out of his obvious pain. But this was beyond anything that I have ever dealt with.

                My family told me I cried out in my sleep too, but it couldn’t have possibly been like this. His body glistened with sweat, he thrashed again, and I’m glad that I moved and won’t get hit by a flailing limb. His hair sticks to his sweaty forehead.

                “I-I, _NO!_ ” His back arches and he screams so loud I have to cover my ears. My back hits the stone wall, and I feel tears brimming my eyes. He continues to thrash back and forth on the bed, screaming my name with a series of pleads that makes my heart ache.

                What had happened to him after the Avengers rescued me? What had they done to him? I couldn’t imagine that they would torture him to this length, they were supposed to be the _good_ guys. They had agents with me for months afterward, who protected me from the press, and any other type of harm that might have come to me.

                They even managed to get me accepted into my top college, even though I missed the second half of my senior year and the school year had already started. I decided to start in October, even though my parents assured me I could wait until the second semester started. I guess it was good that I did start in October, because I never would have gotten that college experience.

                His cries suddenly stopped and he went still. I lowered my hands hesitantly. After about thirty seconds I decided that it had stopped for tonight and stood, brushing myself off. I got back into the bed, and put my head on the pillow.

                He was fast asleep like nothing had happened. I couldn’t stop myself. I reached out and brushed a lock of hair out of his face. I’m not sure what possessed me to do it. I held no remorse for this man, but clearly something had happened to him.

                My eyelids drooped, and I felt him sleepily reach out and pull me to him. Even in his sleep he needed me close. It was less possessive than reassuring, I think.

***

**One Year Ago**

                I was in a basement. The bitch that ruined my escape’s name was Teresa. She made my life more hell than Loki ever did. She informed me when they dragged me in here that because of my “actions” I was being punished by being here. I responded by trying to head butt her in the stomach, but my guard, whom I lovingly call Dogshit pulled me away before I could give the bitch something to think about.

                Dogshit threw me in a room that made the room I was being kept in before look like a freaking palace. Casa de la me had a bedframe that held a sleeping bag for a mattress and a table at the end of the bed. What the table was for, I don’t know. Every three hours Dogshit came in and drags me to the bathroom, where he degrades me even more by watching me do my business. Once I tried to leave without washing my hands and he slammed my head against the sink until I stuck my hands under the running water.

                After I woke up from a mostly sleepless night, Teresa is the bright and happy face I see in the morning. She wakes me up by grabbing my elbow and throwing me from my bed to the ground. When I attempt to get up she kicks me back down and pulls my hair back, her brown eyes narrowed.

                “Now listen here, I don’t care what kind of place you came from, or whatever “injustices” you think our King has done to you. In my opinion, we should just throw you out to the Jitauri, but whatever. King Loki has to have something to toss around I guess.” I didn’t know what a jituari was, but I guessed they were on Loki’s side. What was with all the king stuff anyway?

                “Now, His Majesty told us that you were our task instead of getting out there to fight, so I’m going to make sure we do a damned good job at that. You should be a lot more grateful for what he’s doing for you. When he wins, you’ll be his personal concubine. And that’s a huge honor.” I grimaced, which made her hold on my hair tighten until I whimpered.

                “Ungrateful slut.” She spat, throwing my head back on the ground. Once I was released I scampered away from her, trying my best not to cry in front of her. I hated her with every fiber of my being.

                “What happened to you?” She was turning to leave, but faced me at my question. I pulled myself to my feet, raising my chin.

                “Come again?”

                “Don’t you realize that- that _thing_ is evil?” She scoffed,

                “You’re such a child. King Loki will bring Earth back to its former glory.” My eyebrows furrowed,

                “ _Loki_ is a psychopath and a rapist!” I snarled, she took a step back, and I felt myself take a step forward. “You’re no fool, and neither am I. I know that you’re not like the rest of them, they’re not like humans. They’re like zombies. They’re not here at their own free will, but you are. Why?”

                Her eyes narrowed, “You’re out of line, and this conversation is over.” I threw up my hands,

                “You’re a coward.” She raised an eyebrow, “you _must_ know this is wrong. But you’re either too stubborn or too scared to do anything about it.” She scoffed again,

                “You know _nothing_ ” She said coolly, looking smug. I frowned, my heart hammering in my chest. She turned to leave again and I launched myself at her, every ounce of hatred focused on just bringing her down.

                I knocked her into the door and I heard her chin smash against the wood. She groaned in pain and threw me off of her. I landed on my side in front of the table. I got to my feet quickly and she advanced towards me, fire in her eyes.

                I threw myself out of the way right before she got to me, but she caught me by the elbow and tossed me like a doll into the wall next to the door. I cried out, but dove to the side before she could get to me again. Desperately I reached out for her knees, and brought her crashing down to the ground next to me.

Surprised, she remained on the floor for a couple of seconds, before snapping back into action. I was on my knees still by the time she pounced back onto her feet. She kicked me in the ribs, causing me to fall back onto the cement floor. I saw stars as my skull contacted the cement, but she wasn’t done. She kicked me in the stomach, and I screamed, curling into a defensive ball.

                She reached down and grabbed my hair, yanking me to my feet. She slapped me across the face, her nails biting into my skin. My head turned by the force of the slap and she back handed me before I could catch my breath. The skin on my right cheekbone split open, and I started to cry.

                “I’m sorry!” I shouted, escaping her grasp and backing away. My right eye was starting to swell, she advanced toward me. A murderous look in her eye,

                “You don’t have to do _anything_.” She snarled, “Everything gets handed to you because King Loki finds you _fuckable._ Too bad his interest in you will fade as you grow old and unattractive. You’ll be nothing but a slave after that, scrubbing the floor I walk on after I’m promoted to his right hand man.”

                My back hit the wall, she got right in my face, her nose almost touching mine. My breathing hitched as she grabbed my chin, her fingernails digging into my cheeks.

                “I’ve worked to get myself to where I am now. His majesty _chose_ me because of my passion. His little _fucktoy_ won’t ruin things for me because she’s too ignorant to realize how good her situation is.”

                “You _want_ him.” I said, my disgust clear in my voice. She laughed humorlessly,

                “Oh that would be so simple, wouldn’t it?” She released my face, but didn’t back away. “I want to be there when he wins, no more. But hey, if he wants me, he can have me.” She finally backed away, but not before spitting at my feet.

                “I’m smart enough to know what side to take, and I’m _always_ going to be on the winning side.” With that she left the room, I swallowed and took a ragged breath before sitting on my bed.

                I rubbed my cheek, checking to see if she had broken any of my teeth, her words were still ringing in my skull. Finally I broke into tears, burying my head in my hands I sobbed.

***

**November**

                I miss him. I can’t help it. I feel sick and disgusting and yet my entire body yearns for him. When I close my eyes I see him, and instead of fear I feel longing. My therapist told me that it was something called Stockholm Syndrome. But I don’t think she’s right. He hurt me, yes, but he also saved me.

                The other college students know who I am, and what happened to me. I feel them looking at me all the time. Though, not as much anymore. It’s been about a month since I’ve first started going to college, SHIELD used to keep the reporters away from me. But SHIELD fell after being infiltrated by Hydra. It’s selfish of me, but I still wish I had their agents with me.

                But people _died_. I shouldn’t wish that I had a couple of men to keep reporters away from me when a mass murder happened at that facility. But.. when they were with me I felt safe. Which is stupid because _he_ is on Asgard with Thor and I know that he will never be able to escape. Besides, I wasn’t his only slut. I found out that there were other girls, dozens.

                I shoulder my backpack, and make the trek back to my single. I didn’t have a roommate, which was just as well because I would have drove them away with all my bullshit anyway.

                Lost in thought, I don’t notice the boy in my path. Suddenly I trip over someone else’s shoe and go sprawling. My bag goes skidding across the path and I fall into my defense position, I curl up into a tight ball scream once, my arms over my head.

                My heart is hammering and I brace myself for the blow, but the person doesn’t hit me. Reality of my situation hits me and I open my eyes, dread washes over me and I lower my arms and uncurl. Another college student is staring at me with wide eyes and I swallow, getting to my feet.

                He looks terrified, and I burst into tears.

                “Hey, hey, hey! Don’t cry! It’s okay, look, I’m sorry.” He picks up my bag, and I whimper as he offers it to me. “Don’t cry, I’m really sorry.” I shake my head, taking my bag from him.

                I wipe my eyes and slide my arms into the straps.

                “I’m sorry” I say quietly, “I don’t know why I’m so--” I break off into another sob and he wraps an arm around my shoulder, awkwardly, because of my bag.

                “Don’t worry about it, it was my fault anyway. I was in the road like a doofus.” I wipe my face again, sniffing, “What’s your name?”

                “You know who I am.” I don’t look at him, I’m not crying anymore, but I’m still breathing heavily. He pulls away, and I wrap my arms around myself. I just want to go home. I don’t like having to converse with people, and this has already been embarrassing enough.

                “Yeah…” He says sheepishly. “I just thought—never mind. I’m Tyler.” I look up at him, he has a hand out. I hesitantly shake it, but quickly retract and wrap my arms around myself again.

                “Look, don’t be embarrassed… I was tying my shoe in the middle of the path like an ass.” I bite my lip, it’s hard to make eye contact with people and I feel like a jerk.

                “It-It’s okay.” I really want this conversation to be over.

                “Look…can I walk you home? It’s dark out and I’ve just made a complete ass out of myself.” I look up at him, confused. I was the one who completely freaked out over nothing!

                He looks sincere. He’s kind of sweet looking, with light hair that’s tucked into a green beanie. He’s wearing a black pea coat and has his hands tucked into his pockets. I chew on my lip, I _really_ don’t want to talk anymore. But considering how much I must have just freaked him out, I should probably just go along with whatever he wants.

                “You don’t have to.” I say, my eyes going down to my feet. “I’m really okay, I promise.”

                “Now that’s where you’re wrong, come on. Let me walk you home, it’s no trouble at all.” Well, he obviously is not going to take no for an answer. I nod, and we walk side by side. I haven’t made any friends yet, but honestly I wasn’t really planning to.

                I haven’t seen any of my friends from back home since I got back either. I didn’t want to. It was hard enough seeing my brother and sister when they finally released me from the hospital to my house. They were waiting for me on the steps, when my parent’s car pulled up and they bombarded me as soon as I stepped out of the car.

                It took every fiber of my being not to scream when they encompassed me in tight hugs. My heart was racing and my whole body was stiff. My parents pulled them off me quickly though, quietly chastising them. I couldn’t stand the look of hurt in their eyes as I weakly smiled at them, but I didn’t say anything. What could I say?

                What could I say now? Tyler hasn’t _stopped_ talking since we started walking. He’s trying to be funny, and I feel like an asshole for not laughing at anything. Finally we get to my building and I feel my body sag with relief. It’s exhausting being around people, and I feel like I’m hurting him by being such a cold bitch.

                Before I enter, Tyler stops me.

                “Look, Maia. I know you’ve been through hell.” I look away. Like I needed any reminders. “But I just want you to know if you want a friend, or want to go out for coffee or something like that, I’d be glad to.” I squint at him, but he’s busy scribbling something on a piece of paper.

                “Here’s my number, you don’t have to call it. I understand if you don’t feel like being around men for a while.” My eyebrows furrow,

                “What’s _that_ supposed to mean?” I ask, feeling disgusted.

                “Well, considering what you’ve been through…”

                I turn abruptly, ignoring the paper, and open the door to my building.

                He follows me, “Wait! I didn’t mean to upset you! Maia—“ He grabs my elbow and my mind shuts down. I freeze, my heart starts to hammer in my chest. I can’t even hear what he’s saying as I start to hyperventilate. Finally the idiot notices,

                “Shit, Maia!” He releases me and shouts for help. I run away from him as soon as I’m free and huddle against the wall. Blood is pounding in my ears and _I can’t breathe_.

               

                I’m sent home for a week after my panic attack. Tyler somehow got my number and texts me all the time. For some reason he thinks that a friend will be what heals me or something. The idiot doesn’t seem to get that I’m shattered. He should stop trying to glue me back together because I will just keep falling apart in his hands.

                I return to school a week later, I see him in different hallways but I always duck away before he gets the chance to talk to me. I wonder if he’s doing this because he thinks of himself as the good guy. Or maybe he’s doing it for some kind of charity project. Or maybe he’s even _attracted_ to me.

The thought makes me wince. But it also heightens my curiosity. _He_ wanted me all the time. No matter how many times _he_ had me he would always still seem captivated when he saw me naked. Even after I wasn’t under his control I would touch him of my own volition.

                It surprises me, but I miss it. I miss sex. But I _don’t_ want Tyler.

                I go to a party that weekend. I’m hungry for blood, and I don’t want Tyler to think he has any bit of claim over me. I know he will be there because I asked the girls that invited me. Despite the fact that I’m the school freak, I still get invited to events. I never accepted, but now I want to.

                I’m scared when I first arrive. I see people dancing, and beyond that I see the kitchen that is filled with people holding red cups. I put my coat on the couch next to a couple of people making out. I scrunch my nose, but then an idea pops into my brain.

                I know just how to hurt Tyler. I scan the room for him, my hands feel sweaty but I ignore it. My therapist told me not to try to get intimate with anyone before I feel ready. She told me that rape victims are either very afraid of intimacy, or will act too sexual. I dismissed that at the time, but now I don’t care. What does my therapist know anyway? She has no idea what I went through.

I never told her that I _liked_ it. I never told her that in the last few months I would beg _him_ for it. That I would wear skimpy outfits in front of other men just to make him jealous. That I would get into fights with his other sluts all the time. I never revealed to her just how _twisted_ I could be.

                I see Tyler in the kitchen, drinking. Pasting a smile on my face, I make my way over to him. I watch him take notice of me, and visibly brighten when he realizes I’m smiling. Just before I get to him I turn to the guy in front of him.

                “Hi,” I say, still smiling. The guy blinks at me, he’s obviously a bit too drunk. His eyes travel down my body back up to my face. I cock my head at him,

                “Do I know you?” He slurs, I giggle.

                “Maia?” I hear Tyler say, I ignore him.

                “What’s your name, slugger?”

                “No. It’s Jordan.” I giggle again, this time making direct eye contact with Tyler.

                “Jordan do you want to dance?” I touch his chest, still looking at Tyler. He looks confused, which infuriates me. I thought he would immediately just get angry. But he isn’t getting mad at all. Time to crank it up a notch.

                Jordan sets down his drink and I take his hand, bringing him where the rest of the dancing people are. He’s a bit too tipsy to really dance too well, but really, you don’t have to be sober to grind.

                After a few minutes Tyler finally comes over.

                “Maia…what are you doing?”

                My ass is currently rubbing into Jordan’s front, and his arms are on my hips. I have my hands over my head as I move to the music. I can feel Jordan getting a bit too excited, but I ignore that. It sets off a few alarms in my head, but I ignore those too.

                “Oh hey, Tyler.” I say, smiling at him, still dancing. He frowns, he keeps having to move because people keep bumping into him.

                “Maia, what are you even—“

                “What do you care, Tyler?” I snap. He looks more concerned than angry, which pisses me off. I wanted him to yell. I wanted him to scream that I was his, and I had no business being with other men. But he just looks confused and concerned and it’s making me angrier by the second.

                “Maia, I really don’t know why you’re—“

                “Fuck off, man.” Jordan spins me around and I laugh, almost losing my balance.

                “What the hell is your problem?” Tyler asks him, I can’t see him anymore, I wrap my arms around Jordan and bury my head into his chest.

                “Dude, she obviously isn’t into you, back off.” Tyler is silent, I peek out from Jordan to see him stalk off to the other side of the room. But he’s still watching me. He’s starting to look a little peaked. Good.

                I pull from Jordan and get up on my tip toes to whisper in his ear. He surprises me by smashing his drunken mouth onto mine. He tastes like beer and weed, but I force myself to return the kiss. I feel my hands curl into fists and I scream at myself in my head to not freak out.

                I feel his hand wander from my hip to under my skirt, and that’s when Tyler punches him in the face.

***

**Present Day**

                “Good morning, flower.” I feel his lips on my neck as I wake up, and I blink slowly. He nips my ear before getting out of bed, I yawn and stretch like a cat.

                “You sleep too much, it’s astounding.” I rub my face sleepily, too groggy to respond. Luckily the room is always dark, only lit by a few lamps. Honestly the place reminds me of where Dracula took his victims.

                He’s putting on his clothes, I scratch my back, trying to wake up completely. Due to his night terrors, I never get a lot of sleep. And it’s starting to take its toll on me. I feel like I do on finals week, but there’s no hope for naps in this predicament.

                He pops out to get my breakfast, so I collapse back onto the bed. Just a few more minutes of sleep should help, I’m sure of it.

                He’s not happy to find me asleep when he gets back. Usually I’m already changed, ready for whatever activities he wants for the day. Although there’s not too much to do around here. He wakes me up again, frowning.

                “This is not normal for you, Maia. Get up.” He is _not_ happy. I complied sheepishly, god I wish he’d let me wear PJs so I wouldn’t be naked right now. It makes times like these all the more degrading.

                “I’m sorry to displease you, my lord. I don’t know what’s gotten into me.” I keep my head down respectfully.

                “You seem ill, do you need to see a midguardian doctor? You seem to sleep so much as of late.” I shrug, I don’t know how he will react when he finds out that I haven’t been getting much sleep because of his night terrors. He does not seem like the type that wants to be seen crying.

                “No, sire.” Although I do want to see a midguardian doctor. I want to see humans again, it’s been weeks since he’s taken me shopping and I feel so cooped up in this room. I see him opening his mouth to retort, so I change the subject quickly.

                “Where do you get the food anyway?” He’s a bit displeased, I can tell, but he answers me anyway.

                “At my other home, why? Do you want to see it?” He has another home? So _that’s_ where he’s been going when he leaves me alone.

                “Is it under a mountain too?” Honestly I just want to see a window. I don’t feel like popping out to just be in another suffocating place. He shakes his head, smiling at me like I’m just an idiot kid.     

                “No, flower. You get the special place of under the mountain since you were the one that exposed us.” I cross my arms, okay, let’s just keep bringing _that_ up for eternity.

                “I’ll bring you there to meet the others soon, I’m not sure I can trust you just yet.” _Others?_ God dammit. He has others.

                The thought infuriates me. I _never_ liked his other whores. They were all either completely slutty, or just so whiny it made me want to tear my hair out. None of them liked how much time he spent with me either.

                When he had me as just another one of his blue eyed slaves they didn’t mind me as much. But as soon as I returned, released from his grasp, they hated me with so much passion. I was no angel, certainly, but their attitudes pissed me off.

                “Is it the same girls as before?” If fucking Martha is there I will break a table. She was the worst out of all of them. She gave me a black eye on multiple occasions (although I gave her a lot more because she’s a shit fighter).

                He laughs and wraps an arm around my shoulders, which I don’t shrug off to my surprise.

                “No, flower, you’re the only one I returned for. The other girls never brought that much pleasure to me anyway.” That both makes me feel proud and angry at the same time. So he takes me again, but those other slutty bitches get to stay home?

                “Lucky me.” I murmur under my breath, he ignores my snipe.

                “The new girls I have are… interesting. Hopefully you won’t pull out any of their hair this time, hm?” I scowl, but he’s grinning. I huff and stop pushing at the subject,

                “What’d you bring for breakfast anyway?”

***

**November**

                “Oh my god, Tyler!” I scream, everyone had stopped dancing and they were all staring at the three of us. Jordan was holding his jaw where Tyler had punched him, and Tyler looked just as surprised as the rest of us.

                “You’re gonna pay for that, fucker.” Jordan growled. I gulped, Tyler was tall but he was a thin guy, Jordan would crush him. I didn’t want _this_.

                I step between them before Jordan can take a swing at him, my hands up.

                “Tyler if you’re mad you’re going to have to take it out on _me,_ not him.” I’m breathing heavily, steadying myself. Tyler looks angry and confused.

                “What the actual fuck is your problem, Maia?” He shouts at me. Someone stopped the music, everyone is watching the events unravel in front of them. _This was not my plan_.

                “Can we talk about this outside, please?” Tyler looks away, but nods. I follow him out the door, weighing my options in my head. This was a huge mistake. What was I even thinking?

                “So you’re obviously trying to piss me off or something? Why? What the fuck have I even done to you?” He shouts at me once we’re out the door. I stuff my hands into my coat pockets, grateful I had grabbed it on the way out.

                “Tyler…” What do I even say? I was not expecting this. “I’m fucked up, okay?” I shake my head, but look up at him. Tears are pushing at my eyes but I keep them at bay. “I was abused for 8 months and _everyone_ knows it.” He starts to look pitying, but I can tell he’s still pissed.

                “Okay? Yeah we all know that, Maia. That doesn’t explain why you decided that you hated me for just trying to be a friend.”

                “Is that really what you were trying to do, Tyler? Because I don’t think so. I think you just think of me as some kind of charity case. I’m not some kind of project that you can add to your good deeds, Tyler. I don’t want to be your charity case.” He scoffs,

                “So that’s what you think this was? God, Maia if you—“ I cut him off, fire was pulsing in my veins and I felt more alive than I had in months.

                “Oh no, I’m wrong. Do you think that you can _fix_ me? Is that it? Are you hoping that you’ll be the guy I let my guard down to? That I’ll tell you all about the horrible things he did to me, and you’ll be the good guy that kisses me and assures me everythings okay? You just want to be seen as some kind of hero don’t you?” I spit on the ground, I look to the side, and see students at the windows of the house that the party was taking place in. The more sober ones dove out of sight, while the drunken ones continued to watch, unabashed. Tyler sucked in a breath, but I cut him off before he could say anything.

                “Guess what, I’m way more fucked up than you can even believe. If I told you everything that happened to me you would never want to see me again. I’m doing you a favor by showing you just how _twisted_ I can be.” Tyler shook his head,

                “Maia, what are you even—“

                “Go to hell, and leave me alone.” I walk away from him, my heart was pounding. But I hear him jogging after me. God dammit, the fucker didn’t know when to just _stop_.

                “Maia, I think you need to talk to your therapist—“

                “Don’t you _dare_ tell me what the fuck you think I need to do.” I whirl around, he takes a step back. Surprised by my ferocity.

                “Well you’re obviously not well, and maybe you should talk to—“

                “I am so fucking _tired_ of people telling me what to do, Tyler. Okay? I’m _exhausted_. For eight months I was ordered around every day, I had to do _horrible_ things, Tyler. Then, when I was free, people _still_ told me what to do. People forced me to take different pills and medicines, and would fog me up so I couldn’t fight them anymore. And now you’re here, and you’re trying to be my friend so you too, can order me around. I’m sick of it. I really am.” I start to cry, but I push him away before he can touch me.

                “I--“ I swallow, “I _miss_ him, Tyler.” I look up at him, still crying, “How fucked up is that? I miss him so much, and I’m still so scared of him.” I let Tyler pull me into his arms and I cry against his chest.

                “Maia..” He finally says, “I don’t want _anything_ from you, okay? Please tell me that you understand that.” I shake my head,

                “Everyone wants something.” He sighs,

                “I promise. I will never, _ever_ ask anything of you.” I swallow. Promises never went too well for me. I pull away from him, but he looks so genuine and caring that I can’t help but melt a bit.

                Finally, I nod. He smiles at me, and side by side, we walk back to my place.

***

**One Year Ago**

                Loki comes a few days later. Nobody has beaten me since my tussle with Teresa. But I only get one meal a day, which I’m sure is my punishment. I hear him talking outside my room, my whole body seizes up. I look around wildly, there’s no place to hide and unless I use the table as a weapon, I’m defenseless.

                He comes in, but he looks different. He has cuts and bruises all over his face, and his eyes are wild with fear.

                “Time to go, Maia.” I lick my lips and slowly stand from the bed. He grabs my elbow and leads me from the basement, I stay silent. Teresa follows us outside and we get inside a black jeep. Teresa looks angry in the passenger seat. Loki has an arm wrapped around me, and he’s chewing on his lip, looking out the window.

                He looks _scared_. I wonder what has happened, but I don’t ask. Even though I really want to. I know that some sort of battle has happened, and by the looks of it, Loki’s side must not have won. But the bastard got out seemingly unscathed besides the injuries on his face.

                We drive for a long time, and Loki leads me and three other of his men and Teresa to a small building when we finally stop. The driver takes off, and I wonder where he’s going. The building must have been an animal hospital or maybe a dentistry before it was abandoned by the look of a waiting room and the subjoining empty examination rooms.

                “Welcome to our new home, flower.” He says, bringing me into a small adjoining apartment. I look around, my eyebrows furrowed. Why were we staying _here_?

                “What happened to the other buildings, why can’t we stay there?” This place has not been occupied for a while, I’m afraid that a raccoon will jump out of nowhere. Loki shakes his head dismissively, gesturing for me to follow him into the bedroom. I stay put.

                “They’re compromised. Come along.” I bite my lip, shaking my head. I _don’t_ want to do this. Not now. Loki grows impatient and turns, angry.

                “Don’t make me angry, you wouldn’t _believe_ the week I’ve had.”

                “Tell me about it.” He grabs my arm and drags me into the bedroom. Surprisingly, the bed is the only piece of furniture not covered by a piece of plastic. Maybe Loki’s magic did something to it, because it doesn’t smell mildewy like the other furniture either.

                I let him push me onto the bed. He kisses me, but I don’t respond. He pulls away and starts to take off his pants. I struggle underneath him, sobs break from my throat, and I uselessly try to push him away.

                “I almost wasn’t able to come back to you.” He whispers in my ear, he pulls off my leggings and shoves a couple of fingers inside of me. I whimper, trying to pull away.

                He kisses my neck, “I don’t know what I like most about you. Your little spark?” With his other hand he curls a lock of my crazy hair around his finger. “I do like your hair a lot. He buries his nose in my hair and I push at his chest, his fingers curl inside of my and my back arches into him as a result. God fucking shit.

                He pulls my shirt off my body with one hand, his other still occupied. I feel him growing hard against my thigh, his fingers lazily pump in and out of me. And I couldn’t stop the pressure that was building inside of me. He nuzzles my neck and cups my breast, teasing my nipple. Then he sits up, kneeling between my legs.

                I get up on my elbows, he removes his hand from me and sticks his fingers into his mouth, making eye contact with me. I make a disgusted face and he grins.

                “Delicious.” He says, I gag and he laughs. “I need another taste.” I gape as he shoves his head down there, and puts his hand on my belly to push me back down on the bed.

                “What are you— _Oh!”_ I gasp, I try to close my thighs, but he effortlessly releases my stomach to grab my thighs. His tongue is darting inside of me, and it’s something I’ve never felt before.

                “Stop, _oh god_ , please—“ He hums, adding another zap of pleasure through me. I sit up, then fall back down. I’m not sure what to do. My hands are everywhere, on my chest, my hair, my face. I can feel him enjoying my reaction, but the fire that was building inside of me was distracting me too much to care.

                Just as I feel like I’m about to explode, Loki stops. I let out a whine that surprises even me, and he grins. He pulls off his shirt and crawls over me, he kisses me and I taste myself on him. I feel so uncomfortable, and I keep fidgeting around, searching for something.

                Loki brushes the back of his hand down my cheek.

                “What a sight you are,” he breathes, he seems to be in awe of me. I can’t stand it anymore. I whine again and rub myself against him and my cheeks burn in shame.

                My mind wasn’t working correctly, but I knew that this was _so wrong_. Loki chuckled, and kissed me again.

                “I mean, if you really want it.” He was being cheeky. He positioned myself and my breathing hitched in anticipation.

                Instead of the usual, sandpapery pain I felt, I was filled with extreme pleasure as soon as he entered me. I surprised him by snapping my hips down so he filled me completely. My head rolled back in ecstasy as he started to move in and out of me.

                Then he hit a part of me and I gasped in pleasure. Loki caught on quickly and aimed so he continued to hit that spot, his thrusts grew faster and I felt the fire building faster than before. He grabbed my hips to go faster and I screamed out as my first orgasm crashed over me. Loki groaned as my inner walls milked him, but he wasn’t finished yet.

                I was still in a post orgasm haze, but I still don’t think I can explain my reasoning for what I did next. I reached up and latched onto his neck, sucking and biting. He moved me so we were kissing and finally I was returning his kisses. I felt his thrusts grow sporadically and shortly after he emptied inside of me. We collapsed, he put an arm over me and lightly kissed my neck.

                I went still. What had I just done?

                “I’m so glad I was able to come back to you” he whispered, I stayed silent, my thoughts racing. “Of all the women I’ve been with, you are by far my favorite.” He fell asleep, but I was frozen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this chapter is probably very (very) confusing to anyone who isn't me. Feel free to ask any questions and I'll try to answer them without giving away the plot (no promises). Also feel free to just give me some feedback, or talk about grapes. Anything goes really. Also what do you think of Tyler?


	6. I am Grateful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only two time periods in this one, but a bit longer on both. More sex should be coming up in future chapters, also more development. 
> 
> I don't like to write stories with a lot of chapters, this one should wrap up in a few more just so you all know. 
> 
> Also, just incase anyone needs a recap, Tyler is her new friend at the college. Teresa is the woman who helped foil her first escape plan her first time with Loki.

**Present Day**

He’s started to tell me he loves me again. Not that he ever stopped, but now he says it over, and over, and _over_ again. As if by repeating the words enough to me, I’ll reciprocate them. But I won’t. I _won’t_. Not again. Just like I’ll never be able to wear green again, or say or think his name, or even say _I love you_ to **_anyone_. ** I remember from before, before he came to get me for the second time, my parents would say it to me all the time. And I would respond with “you too” or just a smile if even that felt like too much. How could I say _I love you_ to someone again when I had told _him_ the same thing? I couldn’t— _wouldn’t_ disvalue the meaning again.

                Not that it mattered. Not that it mattered that I told myself all the things I would never make myself watch again. None of it mattered because the chances of me getting out _again_ escaping alive _again_ were very slim. Not even slim, impossible. _He_ made sure of that.

                People would tell me I was brave. They would remark on how much _courage_ it took to stand up for myself and call for help. As if getting a big team like The Avengers to help was much more than that. No. Bravery was the girls who _did_ stand up for me. Bravery was going through what I had and still be able to be kind. I had done none of those things. I was _mean_ , I was _cruel_ to his other girls. Eventually it wasn’t even a defense mechanism, I did it to feel powerful. I did it to make them see how much _lesser_ they were because they had to wash my socks and _he_ wanted me to be his _Queen_.

                And I eventually grew _proud_ of that. How much time did it take for me to stop being disgusted by the thought of marrying him, of ruling over a planet that was essentially just slaves (because that was what he would have made Earth into) and instead using it as an excuse to see myself as something _better_ than the other girls he had taken.

                Of course, there were girls who were cruel too. Who would hurl insults at me and even attack me when they could. _He_ found it amusing, so my only choice at first was to fight back. To bring them down enough that they had no choice but to silently stew at their mistreatment.

                He created a hierarchy for them, for _us_. And I have to admit it was one of the most clever things he could have done. Why waste his energy on keeping all of us in line when we would do it to each other? Good behavior caused you to be higher in the hierarchy, while the more rebellious ones were low and did gross mundane things like washing the laundry or even cleaning the more important girls. I, as you might have guessed, was at the top of the hierarchy.

                I wish I could say that I didn’t want to be. That I didn’t enjoy the power and superiority I wielded from it. But I can’t.

                I however, was not up there because of my “good behavior” (well not at first). I still snapped at _him_ , I would still refuse him. Yet after he freed me from being a blue eyed, I was treated as his queen.

                At first I _did_ hate it. I hated what he had done to me. He made me blindly do things I still wish to forget as one of his mindless slaves. Why he eventually freed me, I don’t really know. I have my suspicions, but I’d rather not think about just how sadistic he really is. That he would rather me begging and crying while he fucked me then submissive and willing.

                I like to think that maybe he didn’t like me as a mindless drone. That he liked _me_ for _me_ and not just my appearance. Not just my youth. But those thoughts are dangerous because it leads to the terrifying thought that I _want_ him to desire me.

                I swallow, trying to pull myself back to the present. I don’t know how long I’ve been down here still, he’s brought me out a couple times since our shopping trip, but always to a different place. He leaves for longer periods of time during what I hope is daytime, sometimes he leaves for what I _know_ must be days at a time. I’m alone with my thoughts too much and I’ve started the habit of pacing.

                I don’t do it around him anymore because it angers him. It disheartening how much I don’t fight anymore. At my lack of motivation to defend myself. I refuse to be the needy girl I was so many months ago, but I’ve also lost my will to—to do anything really.

                At least I’ve taught myself many different ways to braid my hair. Intricate, complicated braids that sometimes take me what feels like hours to do. _He_ doesn’t appreciate them much, as he prefers my hair to be down. But I’ve always liked the tedious tasks of makeup and hair. Before…before him I loved to do my own hair and my friends’ hair and makeup too. Sometimes, after buying new supplies or watching a YouTube tutorial, I would be _excited_ for school just so I could get ready in the morning.

                I’ve returned to my pacing, as I had already finished my braid of the day. _He_ has been gone for what must be a couple days. I know why too, he’s with the other girls. I’m not jealous of his attentions to them, not at all. I _am_ jealous that they probably get to be in the sunlight. That _their_ skin hasn’t gone deathly pale from being indoors too much, and they probably don’t have to hold out for days on end on bread alone.

                I fiddle with my fingers as I pace, too bored to think of anything to do. He sometimes leaves me books, but I’d never really enjoyed reading. I preferred movies or TV where I didn’t have to concentrate on words and such but could just lay down and watch the actors play out the story for me. I did like to draw though.

                The thought makes me pause. I hadn’t thought about drawing for a long time, since Before. I consider asking _him_ for supplies, before dismissing the thought immediately. As nice as it would be to have something I enjoy doing, he would probably find a way to twist it to his advantage. Make me work for it, or guilt me into feeling _grateful_ to him. He’s already managed that with clothes.

                I look down at my dress, as comfortable as my sweatpants were, _he_ didn’t allow me to wear them unless I was sleeping or he was gone. As he could return at any moment I put on a dress, his preferred item of clothing for me.

                Sewing supplies were in the corner, incase I made a rip or something. I used to do costuming for my school, and knew how to sew moderately well. Maybe I could teach myself embroidery?

                I fetch one of my plain white teeshirts immediately and cut the cloth into squares so I can practice. If I taught myself to do strange braids, surely I could teach myself this too! I seat myself in front of the fake fire and begin the work, and after an hour of this, _he_ returns.

               

                His eyebrows furrow at the sight of me in front of the fire.

                “Did you rip one of your shirts again, Flower? How on earth did you manage that?” He smiles, amused by me. I resist the urge to roll my eyes, he teases me often now. As if we were a normal couple or something like that. It was exasperating.

                “No, I’ve decided to teach myself embroidery.” He takes in the cut out squares of tee shirts and raises an eyebrow at my earlier attempts.

                “You haven’t read the books I’ve gotten for you yet…” He trails off, then waves a hand, dismissing it. “Ah, never mind. Would you like me to get you some sort of… manual for this?”

                I blink, and set my needle down, contemplating what the cost for this might be. I bite my lip then look up at him through my eyelashes,

                “You wouldn’t mind?” This seems like a safe answer. He brings me gifts all the time, and doesn’t expect too much gratitude for those. It’s when I directly _request_ something of him. And it would be more helpful than trying to teach myself it. My failed attempts are a bit frustrating, and teaching myself embroidery seems like it’s going to be a lot harder than working on my own hair. Besides, the fabric was loose and hard to keep still and I know from watching my grandmother when I was younger you need some weird circle thing.

                “No, no. I’ll get one for you on my way back from…” He pauses, then looks at me suspiciously. It was almost laughable, considering how small and unintimidating I feel compared to him. “I’ll get one on my way back. And whatever else it requires, just as long as you stop that incessant pacing.” I nod quickly, excited at the prospect of having something to _do_ during my days that might quiet my mind for a bit.

                He straightens, and I put my supplies back in the basket that holds all my other sewing supplies and stand next to him. I help him out of his jacket timidly, I was quite hungry and he usually gave me food when he returns.

                As he had just given me something, I didn’t want to ask him. I didn’t want to risk any anger or guilt. I place his jacket on the chair and he sits on the edge of the bed, removing his shoes. He’s in normal clothes today, which means he wasn’t _just_ fucking around with his sluts.

                My own vulgar language makes me pause mid thought. I had gotten accustomed to swearing again back in college, god knows Tyler sometimes swore like a sailor.

                I shook my head, as if physically trying to remove my thoughts of Tyler. I couldn’t think of that now. I had enough _shit_ in my life to deal with. I considered just opening my mouth and letting loose a string of profanities, just to test it out. Lord know _he_ hated it when I swore. _Hated_ it. Made it so I got out of the habit again. Well fuck that. If I want to swear in my head, I’ll motherfucking swear in my head.

                He looks up after successfully taking off his shoes and socks. I smooth his jacket on the chair, pretending to be doing something so he doesn’t see that I’m lost in thought, so he doesn’t decide to see what I’m thinking. I _hated_ when he did that. He stripped me of all privacy, and that _alone_ diminishes any hope for pity that I can muster for him. Why I’ll never, _ever_ let him trick me into saying “I love you” again.

                Because I won’t mean it. I’ll never mean it. He can’t take that from me at least. You can’t _trick_ someone into loving you. You can’t _force_ them to love you. Not really.

                That thought brings my hopes up a bit. Even if I didn’t fight as much anymore, I still had hope for a little rebellion. And, it was something he couldn’t take away from me. Something of my own. My love.

 

                “Maia, stop dallying. Come here.” I pull my hands away from his coat and approach him. He’s leaning back on his hands on the bed, his feet flat on the floor. I silently pray he isn’t going to make me dance for him again. I hate that. I feel so embarrassed and awkward and I don’t know why he keeps making me do it. Probably because he likes that it makes me blush, probably because he likes my discomfort because he’s a sadistic, cruel, rap—

                His head cocks to the side and I stop my thoughts immediately. I throw up any walls I can think of and hide behind them in my mind. Mind torture is the worst pain imaginable. I don’t have the stomach for it today. I don’t have the stomach for it any day really, but today especially.

                “Do you know how long I’ve been away?” He asks, slowly, as if questioning a child on something more advanced than it. His lips turn into a condescending smile and I force myself not to scowl.

                “…A few days, sire?” I hate how meek my voice sounds. He grins and I keep myself still in response. I didn’t like his games, especially since I never chose to play. I didn’t even see the point in all this. _I don’t know what time it is, great for you. You’re real **fucking** superior there, buddy._

                “I’ve been gone for half a week.” He says, still smiling. Waiting for his words to take weight. I swallow, unsure of what to do with this information.

                “…Oh.” I don’t know why this really matters. I’m bored with this conversation already, and I just want to _do_ something at this point. Maybe he’ll go get the instructable now and I could start learning to embroider. He could read by the fire and I could do something to get my mind off of…off of everything.

                He scowls, realizing I have no idea what his point is. It takes a lot of will power not to roll my eyes. I’ve never been the most clever one of the bunch, and I really don’t see why any of this _matters_. At least if there were other people here they could play his game and I could just—

                “Do you know what day today is then? If it’s been half a week?” I sigh and shake my head, weary. I’m hungry and tired and I just want him to make his point and get it over with.

                “Today is February 28th.” I tighten my lips, trying to display some sort of emotion for him. Then it hits, and it hits like a blow to the stomach.

                “Crystal’s birthday.” I whisper. An overwhelming rush of longing hits me for my sister and I look up at him, trying to gouge why he would tell me this.

                She was sixteen today. My eyes tear up and I realize I’ve been gone for two months. That they have no idea what took me. Although they probably guess. I send another prayer that my sister gets to _celebrate_ her birthday today and won’t spend it thinking about me.

                “Why are you telling me this?” I ask, blinking hard to keep my tears at bay. I can’t cry for the loss of my family, not anymore.

                “I have a proposition.” My stomach drops, this can’t be good.

                “A-A proposition?”

                “A deal if you prefer. Call it an exchange of services. I will let you see your family today, _see_ not talk to. I don’t want any misunderstandings, you will not be confronting them, but simply able to..check in on them.” See my family? See how they’re doing? How they’re coping? On one hand, just being able to look at my sister’s face would be a blessing. But on the other… I don’t want to watch them suffer. Not for me. I’m too selfish to directly see them mourn for me.

                “And my promise to not let any harm befall them.” My eyes snap up to his.

                “You…” No more threats to capture my sister too? No more threats of killing my family in front of me? No more worrying about them going _too_ far, and _him_ punishing them for it?

“And in return?” He smirks.

“I need your assistance with some things… above ground per se.” This has to be bad.

“Wh-what kind of things?” I hate that I stutter. He smirks again.

“Recruits.”

 

**Months Ago**

                Fury burns through my veins. I let out an infuriated cry and sweep all the bottles on my vanity onto the ground. I was pleased by the loud sound as they crashed to the floor and broke. One of the lower girls snapped to attention, startled.

                “ _Where is it_?” I snarled at her. She froze, shaking her head.

                “I-I don’t know, Maia—“

                “Where is Martha?” I seethe, that bitch is behind it and I know it. Everyone knows it. God fucking dammit.

                “Maia…Loki won’t like that you broke all of these—“ I flinch at his name.

                “Don’t say his name.” My voice is lower, in a whisper. All in all he has about 30 girls. This one, Caroline. Is older than me by a few years, but much lower than me. She rolls her eyes,

                “Right, sorry I forgot about your thing.” I hiss at that, my anger now directed at her. She lets out a sigh,

                “Don’t go charging at me now. Martha is in the kitchen.” Of course. Fat bitch.

                I nod, not thanking her out of anger for her remark. My “thing”. Bah! We all know what saying _his_ name does. It gives him power. It gives him even more reason to…

                I storm to the kitchens, in my head I imagine flames spurring me on. A couple blue eyeds see me, but I ignore them. 30 of us are free roaming girls, with nothing but our hierarchy and _him_ to keep us in line.

                Teresa, was off rotting in hell. Not really, but she mostly just worked on plans with _him_ on how to get back up from their failure at New York. We lived in an abandoned mansion, somewhere in Europe I think. Renovated by the blue eyeds. I remember working on it too when I was a blue eyed. But silly tasks like that were quickly removed as _he_ took interest in me again.

                Seems I can’t lose his interest. Much to the dismay of _mother fucking Martha_.

                I enter the large kitchens in a fury, oh she will die today. I see her chatting with my _second_ least favorite girl, Chelsea. Such mainstream names, hah. I take pride in stupid, superficial things, but whatever. I have nothing else to do.

                Except for _thievery_ , but apparently Martha has no problem finding new ways to lower herself past the scum on my shoe.

                “Hey _bitch_!” I call, her head pops up and swivels around to look at me, her brown eyes narrowing at the sight of me. I chuckle to myself that she so easily responded to that title, but my small victory is short lived.

                “I’m telling him about what you said.” She says snidely. I roll my eyes, but a small spark of fear ignites in my heart. I had been so _good_ for the past week.

                “Of course you would lower yourself to being a tattle tale.” I snap, “soo immature, but I expected no less from a _thieving skeev_.” I’m not sure what a skeev is, but it seems to fit the moment. Also it doesn’t sound like a bad word, so at least I can’t be punished for that later.

                “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” She says, crossing her arms and leaning against the island in the kitchen, mock innocence spreading across her sharp features. Chelsea leaves the room, either because she knows this fight won’t be something to be caught with, or she’s going to get one of the blue eyeds to break it up.

                “You stole my necklace. That is from _Before_ , how could you?” She swallows, eyes widening for a fraction of a second as she realizes what that means. Sure, everyone takes someone’s shirt once in a while, it is a house full of girls afterall. But things from Before? No one dares take that. It’s just not done.

                “Give it back, and I’ll _consider_ not ripping your nose ring out.” She grimaces in disgust, she knows I’m exaggerating.

                “You’re lying. I’ve never seen you wear it before.”

                “So you _did_ take it!” Bitch! I don’t know why I haven’t hit her yet. We’ve traded blows before for less.

                She pauses, caught in her lie. I add another small victory to my pile, but I’m angry. My hands are itching to bury themselves in her hair and rip it out for _daring_ to touch my things. For even _considering_ disrespecting me like that. I’m the _queen_ of this castle and she knows it.

                Badly timed analogy, but you get the picture.

                She’s weighing her options in her head, I can see it. She knows that _he_ will take my side if it gets too bloody, and I doubt she wants to face the consequences of _that_.

                Only a few of us actually sleep with him consistently, and I’m the only one he has almost every day. _Martha_ comes to a close second, but _he_ now gives her to General Lucas, his first in command. Teresa is his second, which aggravates her to no end I’m sure. She doesn’t dare come into my sight anymore, as I’m now considered his queen and not just his concubine.

                God, being here makes me speak so much more eloquently. Concubine…Before I would have just said “whore” or something like that.

                “He didn’t give it to you?” Like me, she doesn’t say his name. If I was a better person, and she wasn’t such a _mother fucking cold hearted cunt of a bitch_ we might have been friends with our shared experience. She was the closest one to knowing how I felt. What his name did…

                The others. The very low ones, some haven’t even slept with him. A lot of them are for Blue eyeds. A couple are even married to some of them, and are here for blackmailing reasons or something like that. Some were just in the wrong place at the wrong time, and _he_ didn’t feel like making them a blue eyed. Martha was never a blue eyed, _he_ saw her dancing at a club with her friends and took her. Kind of like me.

                Some of the girls are nice, and I envy them for that. That they can still be nice to people like me. I’m too twisted to consider kindness before cruelty, when _he_ kisses me instead of hits me, I’m so grateful. Too grateful.

                The kind ones pity me. Because I’m the youngest. Because I’m his favorite. Because they think he’s brainwashed me into becoming dark and hateful and…

                “My _sister_ gave it to me. I don’t wear it because I was afraid the chain would break.” Too much information at the end there. I don’t wear it because I was wearing it the first weeks he had me. The worst weeks of my life.

                It’s better now. _He’s_ better now. And he loves me.

                She looks sad for a long moment, probably embarrassed. She fishes around in her jacket pocket, then retrieves it, dangling it in front of me. I snatch it from her hand without a word, sneering in her face.

                “He keeps my jewelery from him in his room. In _our_ room.” I’m proud of the fact that he doesn’t search out the other girls anymore. That I’m enough for him. I’m not kind, but I try to be in front of him, to him.

                I don’t want him to lower me in the hierarchy. I’m _terrified_ of being lower than the girls I’ve stomped on. I would be so humiliated by it, and it occurs to me how horrible it is that I wish that. But I throw those thoughts away now. This is what I have to be now.

                A blue eyed walks into the room, Josh or something like that. I don’t keep track of their names, I doubt they know their names anyway. (That’s a lie and I know it, I’ve lived it).

                “His highness will see you, Maia.” We call him by royal names, even though he never actually did win his crown. _I’m_ not going to be the one to argue it. Although I do believe it would mean they should call me by royal names too.

                Probably not until we get married or something like that.

                I nod, then send one last venomous glare at Martha over my shoulder before I leave. I let her spell out my meaning easily, _this isn’t over_.

                He’s writing at his desk when I come in. I never understand why he’s always doing something when he sends for me. Although I kind of think he does it just so he looks impressive. It’s almost sweet really. Although he would kill me for _ever_ thinking anything about him among the lines of _sweet_.

                He scratches out a few more lines, before looking up at me, as if he just noticed me enter the room. I roll my eyes at him, then take off my heels and toss them by my other shoes.

                “Maia, good afternoon.” He says, raising an eyebrow at me. Some part of my brain wishes that my stomach would tie itself in knots like it used to when I saw him, but I feel nothing. I feel numb. Maybe that’s the love that he claims for me. I hope it is. If he liked me turning submissive before, he’ll be even more overjoyed to have me love him back. Then he’ll never lower me.

                “Good afternoon, sire.” I respond, he pushes back his seat but doesn’t stand. I take that as an invitation and saunter over to him and sit on his lap. He brushes a lock of hair from my eyes then settles his hands on my hips.

                “I missed you this morning.” I tell him, I know it will please him to hear it, and I’m right. He smiles at me and pecks my forehead.

                “Yes, I’m quite sorry dear. I had an early meeting, lots of plans and things to do and not much time left now.” I nod, but don’t pester him like I want to. He never tells me what plans, or when, or really any details of what he’s been going over. And I don’t ask. It irritates him, and I don’t like to be annoying. I’m not like _Chelsea_ who he demoted for her questions and gave her to his messenger boy or whatever exactly that guy does.

                Too many people to keep track of. He never lent me out to anyone, and I’m grateful for that. That’s how much he likes me. How much he _loves_ me, I correct myself.

                I wrap my arms around his neck and wait for him to tell me what he called me in here for. I have a vague idea but unfortunately I hope it’s for some _other_ reason. I chide myself on that, _I like what he does. He could be so much worse. I like what he does._

                He runs his hands over my dress and squeezes my waist. His lips go to my neck and I tilt my head to allow him easier access. The incessant knot in my stomach tightens, reminding me of its presence and I ignore it angrily.

                I run my fingertips over his collar bones, just as I know he likes me to touch him at first. He’s taught me how to pleasure him, which I am grateful for.

                I repeat the mantra in my head because I feel myself start to grow frightened as one of his hands dips below the hem of my dress and rubs my inner thigh.

                _I am grateful, I am grateful, I am grateful_.

                I can’t be lowered. I can’t become a girl for his other soldiers, and I _cannot_ become a blue eyed again. Never again.

                _I am grateful, I am grateful, I am grateful_.

                He lightly nips at the skin above my collarbone and I gasp. He smiles in response and I congratulate myself for that. Small victories.

                “It’s becoming a bit stressful, planning that is.” He mumbles against my neck, I blink, he doesn’t usually go for conversation at times like this. It’s hard enough to keep myself in line for these types of situations, and now I have to carry on a conversation?

                **_I am grateful._**

                “…Oh?” I don’t have anything more intelligent to say than that. He pulls my legs open suddenly so that I’m straddling him. I almost fall into him, off balance. But I catch myself before crashing into his chest.

                He smiles at me, now that we’re face to face. He leans forward and captures my lips in a soft kiss. I respond to it just how he’s taught me, one of his hands comes up and cups my cheek and he pulls away. I lean into his palm, but keep my eyes respectively down cast.

                “I love you.” He says, “and I’m doing my best to make sure they never try to separate us again.” I nod. I don’t know who _they_ are. But I can’t ask questions. “Come to bed with me, make me forget my stress.” My knotted stomach tightens further.

                No matter how many times I’ve done this, _enjoyed_ it even my body betrays me. I curse myself silently and nod to him. He picks me up, still with me straddling him and latches his lips to mine in a more heated kiss. I do my best to reciprocate, but sometimes he gets too rough and I can’t keep up and I sometimes freeze up—oh how he _hates_ it when I freeze up.

                He’s punished me for acting like a dead fish. My first defense mechanism. Nobody wants a dead fish. But I find myself missing the times when I didn’t have to _pretend that I wanted this_.

                I banish that thought immediately. If I was an old southern woman I would clutch my pearls in shock. **_I AM GRATEFUL._**

                I feel his—no, _our_ bed hit my back. He pulls my dress up to my waist, not even bothering to take it off. This is just an afternoon fuck, no reason to get me completely naked I suppose. I feel him fumbling with his pants and I reach forward to help him with it. He grins against my mouth as we both blindly try to undo his pants and finally he pulls apart from me to look down at himself and undo them. I force myself to giggle. Like a normal person would in this situation with their lover. With their _love_.

                He succeeds then pushes forward to kiss me again, his fingers find the edges of my underwear and begin to pull it down. I remind myself, _I am grateful_ , and reach forward to take his already hard cock in my hand like he taught me to.

                He pulls my underwear down and sticks a thin finger inside of me, testing my already wet folds. _Good, my body isn’t **completely**_ _betraying me_. I run my hand down his shaft lightly and he fingers me. He cares about my pleasure in this. I try to do similarly with his cock, but it gets to be too much and my back arches against the bed as I near my first orgasm. He adds a second finger and kisses my exposed cleavage. I feel my hair coming undone from its simple braid but I don’t care. Lazily he hits the spot inside of me he knows makes me come undone _over and over and over again_ until I climax. He readies himself at my entrance as I ride out my orgasm then pushes himself inside of me.

                I gasp, and cling to him as he slowly _agonizingly_ slowly pushes himself inside of me. I don’t need to command myself to be grateful at this point, because I am. I wrap my legs around him and latch my mouth onto his neck to keep myself from shouting at him to go faster. He knows without my words and finally, _finally_ picks up the pace. I let my sounds of pleasure come freely, as I know he enjoys it. He doesn’t hold back either, from his groans of pleasure to his little comments.

                “ _Open your legs a bit wider, flower. Oh gods, yes like that. Lift your hips a bit more..”_ His voice grows breathier and deeper as he fucks me. I do my best to heed his commands but I feel a second climax coming and soon I can do nothing but let out a string of sounds as I reach my orgasm again. He follows soon after anyways and collapses on top of me.

                His weight is stifling but I don’t complain as I try to catch my breath. My face feels hot still when he pulls out of me and kisses the shell of my ear lightly.

                “That was your best one yet, Flower.” He says, I look up at him in surprise.

                “Really?” I forget about not asking questions, but he doesn’t mind this one.

                He pecks my cheek in response, then my forehead, then finally a lingering kiss to my lips. Then he redoes his pants and leaves without another word.

                Without the fire in my body from sex, my stomach starts to seize up again. I feel my whole body tensing and I chide myself as much as I can. Anything to keep myself from the hyperventilating I know is coming soon.

                I swallow and take a moment to calm myself. I ignore my intruding thoughts, then finally I go to his- _our_ bathroom to clean myself up the best I can and I get another pair of underwear from my drawer. Then, after slipping my shoes on I too leave the room without another word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought.
> 
> Thoughts on her character? Thoughts on how much she's changed (or might change)? Questions, commments? Let me know! I am now going to respond to every comment because I AM DETERMINED TO BECOME A GOOD UPDATER. I AM DETERMINED AND I WILL AND YOU WILL ALL FORGET HOW SHITTY I AM AT UPDATING.


	7. Traitors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOL SO TWO IN A ROW?
> 
> I AM GOING TO UPDATE EVERY WEEK. 
> 
> Don't know what day of the week, but I'll work on that. No but, okay. Before you think "god she always promises she's going to get better" think about this: I NOW HAVE WRITTEN AT THE BEGINNING OF EACH CHAPTER "alright fuckers get ready for some mother fucking depression" and GUESS WHAT? IT WORKS.
> 
> Both combating the writers block thing and realizing just how depressing this trash of a story is. lol
> 
> so alright my beautiful fuckers, who for some reason have stuck with the worst writer of all time, get ready for a big ol bucket of depression. 
> 
> Lord I'm so sorry oh my god

**Before**

                “Oh my fucking god, Crystal.” My fourteen year old sister is currently upside down on the couch, her cellphone tightly grasped in her hands as she texts a horny high schooler. His name is Jessie Prince. Even his name is weird to be honest.

Me and my sister are known as the Cuscrove sisters. Not a bad thing  I guess, to be considered the “hot sisters” in town, but it’s kind of annoying. Thirteen year old me would have been overjoyed, considering I was the _grossest_ _thing ever_ during puberty. But now much older guys text me, and all the high schoolers text my sister, who’s still in eighth grade. I am a bit envious of her, seeing as she is _way_ more attractive than I was at that age. No need to voice that though, just added drama to my sister’s already dramatic life.

                It is fun to play with boneheads like Jessie Prince, who think that just because they’re a (sub in) football player it automatically gives him free access to getting laid with me or my sister. He’s in the grade below me, so he doesn’t text me nearly as much as my sister. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t text me too. Sometimes the same things that he’s sent my sister.

                And they say romance is dead.

                My sister shows me one of his sloppy pickup lines and I chuckle, she sends him a photo of her legs which drives him nuts. Poor guy must not get too much action. Not that I do either to be honest. I’m from a small town in the Midwest, everyone knows everyone since diapers and you’re at _least_ directly related to half the town.

                Don’t worry, this isn’t the South. Not incestuous kids here, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t had crushes on my second cousins before. I never _did_ anything so you can drop whatever gasp of shock or disgusted grunt you just let out. Everything is good. No incest I can remember from this century.

                I accidentally pull some of her thick red hair as I stand up, I apologize then kiss her forehead goodbye as my friend Casey has just pulled up to my house. Our parents are out like usual, but I don’t mind. Franklin, who’s currently going to Missouri State, might visit for the weekend. Which will be nice, but I also got invited to Eliza’s party and I don’t want to miss that either.

                First world problems, am I right? But it’s all I know. I’ve grown up a pretty privileged, comfortable life and my main problems are making decisions about whether to spend the entire weekend with my lovely brother or go out partying for a night and possibly spend the rest of the weekend slightly hungover.

                The air is cold as I exit the house, mid-January sucks. I’ve been busy this whole week, between catching up on the never-ending pile of homework and hanging out with my friends. I haven’t had much time to myself. Maybe I’ll start walking instead of bumming rides off all my friends, that would give me some alone time and lord knows some exercise wouldn’t hurt either.

                I’ll walk to dinner tomorrow.

**After I Was Saved**

                I’m still in this hospital bed. They’ve _actually_ resorted to clamping my arms and legs down so I wouldn’t try to escape anymore. My “therapist” told them it was a horrible idea, considering “what I have gone through”. They can all go to hell in my opinion. It’s been _five days_ and no one has told me anything. They have enough shrinks and psychiatrists that come and see me to fill an entire continent. One in particular, she calls herself Doctor Trof, is the only one who has a fraction of a _clue_.

                But I still hate them all. They keep running tests on me and they won’t let me see my parents or tell me _anything_ about what has happened to him. The only thing they told me was that “Mr. Stark” was paying for my hospital bills and was going to keep my family “comfortable”. Not that he’s my only benefactor. Another organization, SHIELD is also pulling money out of their purses for me. But money can’t help me.

                I just want to go home. I just want to GET OUT OF THIS FUCKING BED.

                I want my mom.

                I see a tray by my bedside and I snort. Great. How helpful of them. Idiots. I’m literally tied up how could I manage to eat that?

                _Everyone here is a moron. At least **he**_ —

                _Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP._

                I’m not crazy. I don’t need all these shrinks or whatever to come here and stare at me from across the room. If I was crazy, how would I have survived for all these months? One of the more understanding nurses told I was gone for _eight months_.

                If I was crazy I would have cracked a looong time ago. But I didn’t. If they would let me go home like a _normal_ person I’d be _just fine_.

                I’m also not nuts enough to wish I was back with _him_. Sure, this experience changed me, I won’t lie about that. Obviously I’m not going to be as blindly trusting or gullible anymore. I know how to read people better now. I’m better now and for that _I’m grateful._

                The thought comes naturally and I shriek in response, all I want to do is cover my ears to somehow block out that vile thought.

                _I am **not** grateful, I am **not**_ **.**

One of the more idiotic psychiatrists told me I should try saying his name. She told me it was a fear response, and by letting go of my fear of the name, I’ll let go of my fear for him. I laughed in her face for that one.

                Fear was not my only reason for knowing not to say his name. I don’t say his name because _I’m not an idiot. I_ know what saying his name causes. _I_ know the power it gives him. None of them understand that, and I certainly shouldn’t have to spell it out for them. I asked one of the women if she got her degree online and I haven’t seen _her_ since. One down, forty _billion_ to go.

                They don’t let me see male doctors. Which is also idiotic because I’m not a crazy person like they all want me to be. I’m able to distinguish people from my rapist. It’s been _four days_ I’m obviously getting better and WHY WON’T THEY JUST LET ME GO HOME.

                One woman asked me yesterday if I had voices in my head. That was a laugh. I nodded my head real seriously, and put a fake scared expression on my face. She was interested, and quickly jotted something on her paper.

                “What do they say?” She asked, I considered my options here on how to best mess with her.

                I shook my head, and motioned her in close, “I can’t tell you loudly, or they’ll hear”. I whispered. She nodded gravely, jotting another thing on her paper before sitting next to me.

                “Whisper it to me, they won’t hear.” She said, playing along with what she must have believed was my breakdown.

                “They—“ I paused, looking fearful. She waited patiently,

                “It’s okay, I won’t let them know I know.” She said. Poor soul.

                “They…” I took a deep breath, and motioned her closer. “ _They’re informing you that I’m full of shit.”_

                I don’t think she’ll be coming in today either.

                I hope my mother will be coming in. My mother will notice right away how _idiotic_ everyone is and will bring me home right away. I know it.

                “Maia.” One of the nurses was at my door. “Maia, are you ready to eat breakfast?” I nodded quickly. She undid my restraints warily, as if I would lash out at her. Okay, _sure_ yesterday I was a bit paranoid that this was all a ploy of _his_ to torture me for a mistake, but I was fine now. They really shouldn’t have worn green pants. God, I thought these people were supposed to be _professionals_.

                I sat up slowly and stretched my aching muscles. She picked up my tray from my bedside table and handed it to me, as if I was unable to do the simple task. I impaled some pineapple from my fruit salad and put it into my mouth and examined her from the corner of my eye.

                “Do I get to have actual visitors today?” I asked her between bites. A couple of days ago, one of the newer therapists asked me about my earlier fear of questions. I never told her I had a fear of questions. And I didn’t even really have one, I was just wary in _his_ presence to ask questions because I knew he hated them.

                I’m pretty sure that one is a spy. I won’t tell any of these people because a) you never know who’s in on it, and b) they might just add that to the ever-growing pile they’ve made of _reasons why I am crazy_. Assholes, every last one of them. I want to have my parents so I can watch them TEAR THESE PEOPLE APART FOR THEIR LACK OF COMMITMENT TO ME. THEY HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO TREAT ME AND THEY’RE DOING IT ALL WRONG. I NEED TO GO HOME NOT SIT In THIS DEPRESSING ROOM ALL DAY LOCKED UP LIKE A MENTAL HEALTH PATIENT.

                They just _want_ me to act crazy so they can have further reasons to lock me up. Most of them are spies for _him_ I bet. He’s torturing me like always. Mind torture, not below him. Although, it is for me.

                They’re probably not his spies. After all, he actually _does_ love me. If he has spies here, it’s probably just his twisted way of trying to keep me protected. If they want a mental health patient _he_ has met that criteria with flying colors. They’re trying to make me regret saving myself. That’s it. I forgot how misogynistic this culture was, they _wanted_ me to suffer at all times.

                “Maia? Maia?” I blink, coming back from my thoughts. My nurse is squatting in front of me, her brown eyes full of worry.

                “What? Oh sorry. Just lost in my thoughts for a moment.” I say, brushing her off as being foolish. Probably new to the job. I didn’t realize they were going to give me amateurs. I bet Martha is here too and she’s getting all the smart doctors and nurses and they’re sticking me with the idiots as punishment. I bet she’s already gone off about me too, incriminating me for all the stuff I did to her.

                Well I’ll let them know just what that jealous bitch did to me too!

                “Okay, try not to zone out for a bit, okay?” I roll my eyes, and she stands up.  “About visitors, you do have a visitor who’s coming in after you finish your breakfast. I’m sure you’ll be happy to see her.”

                My mom? Are they finally going to let me see my mom? About time!

                I eagerly stuff the remaining fruit in my mouth and then set the tray aside, nodding at my nurse. She leads me out of the room and it feels good to walk for bit. And in my bare feet too, not high heels.

                “Where is she?” I ask, excited to see her. Maybe it’s my sister, not my mom. I should ask, but I’m too busy searching around us as we walk briskly through the halls. As if she’ll enter through a door. I don’t want to miss her entrance. I want to soak up every second I have of seeing her like it will make up for the _eight months_ I spent with him.

                We come into one of the recreational areas for the patients and my eyebrows furrow together. This wasn’t exactly normal for visitors, I knew that from all the M.D. shows I used to watch Before. I scan the room, looking for my mother’s graying hair or my sister’s red locks.

                Instead, I see one of the _last_ people I want to come into contact with ever again. Mother fucking Martha.

               

**November**

Tyler comes over a lot now. It’s kind of nice, I have to admit. To have a friend. And Tyler is super good about all my triggers and stuff already. It’s a bit weird, because he texts my mom all the time, and that’s how he knows most of them. But I can’t allow myself to freak out anymore, he’s just trying to help and I’m as usual just being an untrusting bitch. After a while he’ll probably lose interest in me anyway, but I don’t need to intentionally hurt him more than I already have.

                I’ve hurt a lot of people. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of feeling crazy all the time, and I’m sick of _knowing_ I’m crazy too. I take medication for depression and anxiety and sleeping pills so my nightmares from my _mother fucking_ PTSD don’t keep me up all night. I’m a cocktail of antidepressants and prescription medicines and any pill popper’s dream of a friend I’d bet. All they’d have to do is go into my medicine cabinet and they’d find every type of medication they could dream of.

                Tyler and I are just watching a movie tonight, which is what we usually do. Sometimes we study together, sometimes he makes me dinner which is nice. He’s not a very good cook, but I’m not going to be the one to inform him of that. He doesn’t push me to talk too much, and he knows when I _do_ need to talk. It’s strange, how in tune to me he is, but I’m _thankful_.

                Thanksgiving is coming up. Will probably suck because I’ll probably hear my mantra a lot. I’ve already heard it a couple of times, and I almost threw my radio against the wall when the announcer asked us what we were _grateful for_.

                Tyler has me talk about it when I’m triggered. I didn’t like talking about it at first, I still don’t. But he says it’s a good way for me to fight my demons. Not that he really knows _a fucking thing_ about my demons.

                I also have to work out my “anger management” issues with my therapist now too. As if I wasn’t already a list of every mental disorder you can imagine. But I don’t want to hurt my family anymore. I don’t want to hurt Tyler either since my mom likes him so much.

                But tonight. Tonight he has pushed me _too far._

                “Just say his name once, Maia. I really don’t know why you won’t even _explain_ to me why you won’t!” He’s exasperated with me. He’s usually so patient and willing to not test my boundaries.

                “Why do you suddenly have to ask so much of me? I thought all you wanted to do was just hang out? Why do you need to ask so many _questions_ lately, Tyler?” I shake my head at him, angry beyond belief. One moment we’re watching _Finding Nemo_ and the next he’s trying to get me to dish about my thing about _his_ name.

                “I’m just trying to help! God you are so hard to be around sometimes! It’s better for you to talk about these issues than to keep them bottled up inside, and your mother agrees—“ I cut him off, red hot fury now pumping into my veins.

                “Why the fuck do you spend so much time talking to my mom? God. It’s like you’re _obsessed_ with me or something!” He scoffs,

                “Why do you always have to villainize other people? Nothing I do is ever enough—“

                “Oh shut up. God. If I had known that your bullshit about ‘not wanting anything from me’ was just because you had some weird demented _crush_ on me—“ He cuts me off this time.

                “So _that’s_ what you think this is? Good lord. Maia, I don’t like you like that! You claim that you can handle being around men” he doesn’t let me cut him off, stepping angrily closer to me but I don’t back down. “ Yet you still think that everyone is-is in _love_ with you or something!”

                _He was._

                I can’t control myself anymore. IN a pure fit of anger I swipe all the stuff on my counter onto the ground and watch it crash with a sick satisfaction. His bag was there too and I’m pleased with how everything flies out of his bag and—

                “What’s that?” I ask, he’s already on the ground trying to stuff things back into his bag. But he missed the most important thing in his haste. A recorder.

                A red light at the end of it is blinking, I snatch it up before he can get to it and inspect it. My heart was in my stomach and I couldn’t help but feel a few tears prick at my eyes as I gingerly press the _play_ button.

                “So why are you so afraid of his name?” Tyler’s voice spits out of the device, my heart cracks as my fears are validated. I look down at him, he’s frozen, on his knees on my floor, his arm reaching for me mid motion.

                “Why do you need to know?” My voice echoes back at him, from our conversation only a few minutes earlier when we went to go get more popcorn after the movie ended. I turn off the recorder, and let it slip from my fingers to the ground.

                “Maia…”

                “You-You…” Tears come more freely and I cover my face with my hands to keep away any impending sobs. “You’ve been _recording_ me?”

                I hear things shuffle as he stands, but I don’t lift my face from my hands. He doesn’t dare touch me, which I’m slightly disappointed by. Because then it would give me a reason to lash out at him. But I don’t have any anger in me anymore. Just despair as his betrayal weighs down on me.

                “Maia… I never wanted to hurt you.” Bullshit. “I’m-I’m a reporter for the Huds—“

                “Get. Out.” My voice is dry. He doesn’t comply and I want to tear him apart.

                “Maia—“

                “I said _get out_ you fucking bastard!” My voice isn’t angry, just devastated. Knowing how far my anger can go though, he leaves. And I stay standing in the middle of my apartment. I don’t know what to do or where to go from here.

                I should have seen it coming. I’m not a gullible person anymore and yet… Yet I let another person take advantage of me. I let another man come into my life and shatter my heart. And yet again, I have no idea how to pick up the pieces.

**A Few Months Ago**

                I made a mistake today. A bad one. I’m on the verge of crying or hyperventilating but I must keep both at bay because _that will only make him angrier_ with me. I’m so stupid and worthless, _I lost his favorite necklace for me_. Well I didn’t really lose it, one of the other girls stole it. But it won’t matter to him, I had left it out in the open instead of in _our_ room and given them the opportunity.

                Martha or Chelsea had probably already told him, and I knew at any moment a blue eyed would come for me to bring me to him.

                I screamed at another one of the lower girls, one of the bitchier ones, Karen or something. But she didn’t give a fuck. I _knew_ she knew who took it, but she thought this was amusing. She didn’t crack under _him_ so I wasn’t sure why I was even trying. One of the older women, another lower one tried to calm me down. But I turned on her so viciously that I think I scratched her arm. After that she just stood to the side, a hand over her mouth as she silently pities me.

                _I hated her pity._ If anything I should be pitying her! She was the one who had to mop the floors while I got to do anything I wanted! She was the one who had to cook the meals that _I_ got to eat while she ate day old bread.

                She had approached me before. Saying stupid things like, _you are so young, I can’t imagine how hard this is for you_. I didn’t snap at her then, as it was about a month ago and even in that short amount of time I was meeker around the other women than I was now. Now I knew my place as his Queen.

                But now I had made a _mistake_ and he was going to be so _angry_ with me and no one would actually help me. They all thought this was funny! They thought it was funny that my world felt like it was going to crash down on top of me because I had blindly given these _traitorous bitches_ a chance to take his necklace. His _favorite_ one!

                I threw another glass at the wall, but Karen didn’t flinch. Mabel, one of the “kind” ones went to the older woman and asked her if she was alright. I was a tornado, a whirlwind of sputtered curses and threats as I rounded on the dozen girls who were dumb enough to come and see what all the noise was.

                If I could _find_ the necklace before he realizes what happened, if I could even _bring_ it to him when he does find out, then maybe I won’t be punished. Maybe he won’t demote me!

                He’s demoted other girls for less. I knew I had messed up, I had made a mistake. I grabbed at my own hair after my attempts at getting through to these cruel girls failed.

                But I was too late. I heard him clear his throat at the doorway and every eye turned to him in shock and fear. Except me. I kept my back to him, trying to compose myself before he spoke with me. He never usually goes to the effort of collecting me himself. I always meet him in his room, the broad majority of our interactions are in our room because the reason I’m here requires me there.

                “Maia.” He doesn’t sound angry, is that a good thing? I turn slowly, I can’t stop the storm I had already turned into. I was a wreck, my face tearstained, my hair in disarray. So many mistakes, and I was too late to right any of them.

                He extends a hand out to me, he has an amused smile on his face, but I know how quickly that expression can change. How quickly his amusement can change into something ferocious and terrifying. I go to him and take his hand and he leads me to our bedroom. I see Martha, her face completely emotionless and I scowl at her. As much as we hate each other, neither of us makes too much effort to pretend that we take any joy out of his punishments. Even when inflicted on one another. The phrase “I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy” comes to mind.

                He shuts the door behind us and I brace myself for whatever is coming. I try not to start pleading right away, as that displeases him intensely. But all I want to do is defend myself, all I want to do is take back the moment I set the necklace on the counter instead of leaving it in the room, or even just keeping it on. But it had grown uncomfortable, so I took it off while I was eating and forgot about until it was too late.

                _Stupid, stupid, stupid. Gullible, idiotic, **stupid**_.

                “--Lucky for you, one of the girls returned it. But I’m still displeased that you let yourself be compromised so easily, Flower. I expected better.” I realized I had tuned out again, I nodded quickly. A tear ran down my cheek and I felt his fingers in my hair. He was undoing the simple braid, and pulling out any snarls that I might have caused from my tantrum earlier.

                “I’m-I’m sorry, sire.”

                “ _I didn’t say you could speak_.” He snapped, yanking on my hair. I yelped more out of surprise than pain and my idiotic self took that as its time to start to cry. This of course made him even more angrier, and he shoved me forward.

                “Why can’t you ever just do anything right?” He asked me, pushing me onto the sofa nearby. I shook my head, my now loose hair whipping my face from the force from shaking my head.

                “You are so _stupid_ , I should demote you to a place where you wash the scum off my shoe. Because that’s what you act like, _worthless scum_.” I let out another sob,

                “I’m so sorry, I just-I just _forgot_!”

                “You _forgot_?” He sneered, his voice high and mocking. I nodded, still crying unsure of how to turn this situation around. How to please him again. I couldn’t be demoted, I couldn’t.

                “I’m only seventeen, I make mistakes—“ That enraged him. I should have known it would. He violently slapped me and I cried out but resisted the urge to cup my face.

                “ _Stop making excuses like an insolent child._ ” He snaps, striking me again. I try to stand, try to move and just _get away from him_ but that’s an even worse idea and he catches me by the hair and drags me to him.

                In my panic I struggle, just blind fear drives me and I can’t stop myself. He uses my hair to pull my head back, baring my throat to him. I cry out and I want to _scream and fight_ but he _loves me_ and I have to—I _need_ to _be grateful_.

                “It’s so hard to love you when you insist on acting like this, Maia.” His breath is uneven as he struggles to keep me under control. But I feel like a wild animal, all the pent up anxiety and fear crashing over me in waves as he tightens his hold on me and drags me toward the bed. I can't delude myself that I want this, I can't delude myself that any of this is  _slightly okay_ and it's not. But pretending that everything is normal and that I want him and this is how I convince myself that I do want it. But it's harder when he has pushed me to the point of sheer terror, and that my adrenaline has caused me to act out how I always want to.

                He throws me down and pins me to it, my wrists over my head and my legs spread apart with him between them.

                “Stop— _fighting_ me, Maia. I’ve _taught_ you better than this.” His voice is strained, and I do my best to heed his words. But adrenaline is coursing through my veins and I just wish in my moment of truth that I was strong enough to push him off of me. That I was strong enough to make it so he could _never_ touch me again. 

                But I’m not. So I force myself to stop and be still. And he rips my dress off my body, knowing that it’s my favorite and proving that he doesn’t intend to be anything but punishing now. I do my best not to scream anymore. Not to fight. It makes him more excited and I _know_ that his sadistic pleasure can go very far if I go along with it. So I try to convince myself that _everything is okay_ and _everything is going to be okay_.

                And he tells me over and over again as he touches me how much he loves me, and how hard I make it for him. And then he’s pushing inside of me as hard as he can, trying to hurt me, trying to make me scream out. And I do, and his words start changing to how beautiful I am, and comments about my body, and _will you stop freezing up and act like I’m present_. It is so hard to love me since I’m like this.

                But he grows angry with me, because I can’t make myself pretend to like it. He flips me on my stomach and begins to push into my anus and I scream louder and shriller than before and I hear him laugh. I hear him laugh and he continues to agonizingly find new ways to hurt me and I’m being torn apart and _oh god this is as bad as the first time that he took me_. 

                He finally cums. Inside my vagina again but he’s not finished with me yet. He decides that he likes _my sweet little screams_ and takes out a dagger from his pants and carves his initials into my stomach, healing it, then doing it over, and over, and over again. Until my screams are raspy and I barely have consciousness to do it anymore.

                He heals me then kisses my stomach like it never happened. But now he’s hard again and as he pushes into me he whispers that he loves me and that he’s sorry he had to cause me so much pain but _I was just so god damned frustrating_ and I pass out with him thrusting inside of me but he quickly wakes me up again with magic.

                And I remind myself to be grateful. Because I don’t know what else to be anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God. Poor Maia. I'm such an asshole, she doesn't deserve this. Anyway, let me know what you thought of this trash chapter!
> 
> Oh and lol, sorry if you're from the south. I was kidding with that line, don't get offended please I love you all so much I I know the south isn't full of incestuous people.


	8. Out in the Open

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoops my fingers slipped and I wrote trash.

**November**

                Tyler would _not_ stop calling me. It had been a week since he dropped the bomb on the whole “only friends with you because I’m a reporter thing” and did the bastard cut his losses and realize his jig was up? No. My mother was horrified when she found out and quickly blocked him on all social media. She wanted to tell my siblings too, but I knew from experience that Franklin would go into protective older brother mode and probably march to Tyler’s house himself to teach him a “lesson”.

                It is nice though, to imagine that this was just the normal “ex-boyfriend” situation. I like to replace Tyler with one of my ex boyfriends and imagine that all he had done was cheat on me or something and this was just like I was in high school. I like to think that like all my old ex boyfriends I’ll cry for a few days, then get over it and move on.

                But it’s not like that. Tyler was never my boyfriend, and to be honest I never thought of him that way. I did imagine him as my weird sidekick best friend who would be my roommate after college and help shield me from all the triggering things that the world likes to throw at me.

                Also, I think it hurts _more_ when you lose a friend. Obviously it hurts more after you’re the shining example of a victim with serious issues who wasn’t good at trusting Before and now it’s next to impossible.

                But he was good at his job. He managed to make me feel safe again, to make me feel like maybe I could get better. Not soon. But I had made serious progress since being saved, and despite my efforts, I can’t lie and say that Tyler didn’t help with that. After barely a _month_ he helped me.

                But it was all one big fucking lie, wasn’t it? I was his ticket to a Pulitzer prize or whatever the hell they give journalists these days. To him I was his biggest story yet, a great thing to put on an application and less of a person than a bright future. For him. And where was I? I was hurt, like I always am.

                Luckily I have Thanksgiving break to look forward to. One more day. But Tyler won’t _stop_ calling me and leaving me messages. I’ll probably have to change my phone number, I can’t stand to see his name on my screen. I guess I’ll always have a problem with getting over their names.

                I’m hoping he won’t show up at my door, because who knows _how_ I’ll react. Hopefully tears and not a full fledged meltdown that will land me a free pass back at my “caring facility”.

                Only a week, and yet I already felt Tyler’s absence in my life. I _missed_ having friends or at least _someone_ around me at all times. They had given me a private dorm room on the edge of campus to better suit my “needs” which I was thankful for at the time. But now I feel isolated and scared more than ever.

                Was it my fault that I only seemed to have bad luck? That my already torn apart heart managed to find ways to fracture even more? I needed to talk to my therapist. _Fault_ was a bad word for me to think. I was getting better, and I couldn’t let Tyler get in the way of that.

                How was I supposed to trust anyone now? How could he do this to me? As if I haven’t already been through enough, he had to go and try to use me to his advantage. Just ilke everyone else. Just like _him._

                I rifle through my cabinets until I find the hidden bottle of Tequila behind a stack of unused paper plates. I promise myself I won’t turn into an alchoholic (because you have to quit drinking altogether and that is _unimaginable_ ) and unscrew the cap.

                I estimate that tonight will be another sleepless night and decide to skip my morning class and just get drunk and watch FRIENDS reruns until I pass out on the couch with my shoes still on.

                I wake up in my bed the next morning with a note next to me saying. “ _please forgive me, and talk to me_ ”.

 

**Present Day**

                “Recruits?” My heart is hammering in my chest. “Can’t you just… bluify people or something?” He smiles to himself, his condescending attitude has been infuriating me lately.

                “Bluify?”

                “You know… make them a blue eyed?” I feel uncomfortable and he pulls me into his lap, chuckling. I feel the overwhelming urge to shove him away from me, but I can’t push away my chance (literally) at seeing my family. On seeing if they’re okay.

                “My powers have been severely diminished since last year.” He scowls, probably annoyed he had to admit it. Little victories. “besides, I need more…willing soldiers this time.”

                Soldiers? Was he planning another war? And… _willing_? I can’t help the fury that burns through my veins at his statement. He sees nothing wrong with it as he stares at me, waiting for my response. But I’m too busy fighting myself in my mind but the angry part is winning. And I let the angry part speak through me.

                “How _dare_ you.” I spit, forcefully shoving myself away from him. As per usual, he’s surprised when I act out. “You want _willing_? Is that what turns you on now?” He darkens, but I cut him off before he can threaten me. “How about you get a willing _girl_ then? Why couldn’t you get  one a _year_ ago?”

                I’m too mad at this point to care how much I’m going to suffer for this. This. This is too much.

                “Maia, I would advise you to calm down before I—“

                “before you _what_? Beat me? Torture me? _Rape me_? Go ahead. You’ve done it before. At least when you’re hurting me my mind stays clear on who the victim is, and who the mindless _barbarian_ is.”

                “Maia. I will not warn you again—“

                “Oh _shut up_. You want willing?” Tears are coming to my eyes now, but it’s not sad. It’s all hot angry tears that propel me forward, into saying what I’ve wanted to. What I’ve forced down. I have nothing to lose really. “There’s not a spec of willing in me. There never has been. And as you told me before, you have no trouble getting the girls. So why don’t you just go get one of the more _willing_ ones and _leave me alone_?”

                “ _Maia_ —“

                “No!” He’s standing now and I’m backing away, but I won’t let him silence me. Not now. Not when he _dares_ to try to tell me he now needs _willing_ people. “I’m going to speak, and you need to listen because for some reason this doesn’t seem to sink in—“

                “Maia Cuscrove if you know what is best for you—“

                “Apparently I don’t!” I raise my arms in exasperation and let them flop to my sides. “Is that what attracts you to me? That I fight back? Or is it my youth? Does my broken innocence turn you on? Or do you like that you’re the one that broke me?”

                “ _You know it’s none of those things._ ” He’s gotten close, and I hit the wall and desperately duck his reaching arms, trying to get away from him. If he catches me he’ll physically silence me, and I’ve angered him more than ever. He might rip my tongue out permanently for this.

                “Oh yeah? What is it then?” I’ve successfully outmaneuvered him, and again I’m backing away to the other side of the room. Hopefully I’ll make it to the bathroom and be able to lock myself in until he calms down or something. “My _charming_ personality?”

                “God dammit, Maia!” The severity of his voice startles me, and I falter. He stops too, and runs a hand through his hair. “Firstly, I’m not attracted to you. I _love_ you.” I scoff, and that angers him more, but he doesn’t advance towards me. “I’ve been in love with you for a long time, and I always will be. You know that. You loved me too, but along your unfortunate escape it’s been…tainted.” I open my mouth, but he speaks too quickly. “I don’t know why I love you, and I’m obviously not the type to list the reasons why. And I know that how we came together was…unorthodox… But we can’t let that get in the way. Whether you know it or not I know you’re making progress towards loving me again. You are the only one who has made me feel this way, just being _around_ you makes this hopeless situation a bit brighter. Ever since I met you, you’ve made my world brighter. You’ve made _me_ feel lighter.”

                He takes a step towards me, and I back away. Speechless and…horrified beyond belief.

                “I’m sorry that you feel hurt by me, but you must understand, it’s for your own good. Sure, I’ve lost my temper a few times and have gone over the line. Like the time I almost broke your neck, but I apologized for that, Flower. I _never_ apologize, but for you, I would do anything.” He takes another step, and I miscalculate my location and bump into the side of the bed. Terrified, I try to skirt away but he catches me. He _always_ catches me. Eventually.

                “Let me go.” I whisper, feebly trying to pull out of his grip. Pertaining to both the current situation and in general. But he shakes his head sadly, like I’ve made him have to deliver bad news.

                “You make it better, Maia.” He pulls me into a hug and I cry into his chest. “They…they tortured me with images of you.  With both memories of me hurting you, and images of them hurting you too. Sometimes they’d make me believe I had _killed_ you. If it taught me anything, I know that I could never survive without you now. You’ll see it too, soon.”

                So many thoughts were running through my head I didn’t know which to think about first. I didn’t know what to call him out on first.

                “We share something in common, I suppose too. We’re both broken, but together I believe we can make it through.” I resist the urge to throw up.

                He lets me pull away this time, and I wipe my face with the back of my hand, trying to compose myself before speaking.

                “I…” I don’t know what to say. “I won’t love you.” I finally say, he smiles but shakes his head. But I stop him before he can go on another crazy spiel. “I’m serious. You-you don’t seem to get it. I _never_ loved you.” His eyes are darkening again, but it’s worth it. He can delude himself on love for me, but I won’t let him think it’s reciprocated. Not again. “You scared me into doing my best to make you believe I loved you, into making _myself_ believe it too. But I never did. I knew it deep down, and you do too.” I remember all of his words, and my fear quickly heightens to anger again.

                “And, how we got together was ‘ _unorthodox_ ’? You _kidnapped_ me, and then _raped_ me! I was seventeen, I had barely made out with a boy let alone had sex. You _ripped_ away my virginity then decided I would stay as your permanent plaything. You didn’t just break me, you _tore away_ the person I was. You twisted me into something dark and bitter and _horrible_. You _shattered every piece of me_ and then glued it back together in a shape of your own design. And you told that shape what to think, what to feel, how to act. You made me into your own personal doll, but dolls aren’t people. Dolls can’t love. I _didn’t_ love you, I _don’t_ love you, and I _never will love you_. When will you realize that? When will you drop that sick fantasy of us ruling Earth together?”

                He was motionless the entire time. I couldn’t stop myself if I wanted to, I was pouring out every emotion I had felt since that cold winter day when a driver mistook me as a spy. I was giving up every secret I had kept hidden from my therapist from fear she would have me locked up again. I was cracking again, and letting all the contents spill out before I accepted that I was just broken. That no amount of tape of glue would fix this one.

                “Haven’t you figured it out yet? You can’t win! You didn’t win last time, and you certainly won’t again. Honestly, hiding out in this mountain is your best chance at living out the remainder of whatever amount of years you have left.” I swallowed, “And despite the fact that they, whoever they are, tortured you with images of me. That you believe that you can’t live without me. You will kill me. By accident or on purpose, you will. I know it, and you know it too.” _And if you don’t, I certainly will. Best to put a broken vase out of its misery than try to make it into something it isn’t._

                “Maia.” He didn’t say anything else, he just ran his hands over his face as he tried to process my rampage. I was trying to as well. To be honest, despite the fact that it was almost certain I was about to die, I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders. This was the freest I had felt for a long time.

                Silence stretched between us, he sat on the bed, and I remained standing. My thoughts were racing now as I imagined how he would punish me. How he would convince himself of my hidden love for him, how he would try to convince me too. To be honest, I hoped he would just get angry. I hoped he would turn into a monster motivated by white hot fury and finally break my neck and let me just disappear from this hell I was living.

                Well. I wish I could tell my therapist how suicidal I was feeling right now. That seems like something she would have wanted to talk about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not as long!!! No sex!!! I suck and I know!! Don't worry there will be sex in the next chapter. basically every chapter afteer that. Anyway, just to put it out in the open, in the first part where someone (we all know it was Tyler okay sorry if I spoiled it but come on) puts her to bed, was supposed to be kind of creepy. So yeah. Don't worry I'm not that unbalanced that I don't notice the difference between creepy and loving. Hopefully tbh.
> 
> Anywho... Who do you think THEY are that Loki was talking about who tortured him? What do you think he's going to do to Maia in response to her... er outburst? Tyler is obviously a creep, thoughts about it? Maia. is that bitch gonna be okay? Let me know!


	9. All Worn Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word of warning, I'm super hormonal right now and not in a good way. So this chapter might be a bit weird but I really can't tell! So yay for all of you. Oh god, I'm so sorry. Why do people read this again?

**After I was Saved**

                “Oh you have got to be _shitting_ me!” I exclaimed, there were a few other patients who looked uncomfortable. Martha wasn’t reacting, honestly I thought if I ever had to see this bitch again we’d be at each other’s’ throats in three seconds flat.

                “Maia…Calm down, okay?” She looked nervous. In our time, I had never seen her look _nervous_ while around me. I scowled, but I was slightly embarrassed that the nurses were ushering the other patients out because of me. There were actual crazy people here, yet I was the one making a scene.

                “You do not get to tell me what to do.” I hiss at her, “After all the shit…Ugh. I thought _he_ left you all for dead anyway?”

                I didn’t want to mention that I was secretly pleased they were alright. Because honestly, right next to _him_ and Teresa, Martha deserves to rot in hell.

                “Maia. We survived, we were found after you were able to expose him. I’ve been here recovering and the other girls are scattered around too. They all want to talk to you, to _thank_ you for everything you did.”

                I start shaking my head, Martha is acting nice. Why is she acting so nice? We hate each other. This was the girl who almost tore out my hair on several occasions, who tried to _poison_ me because she was jealous.

                “Stop.” I murmur. She’s crazy, of course. I should have known, that’s why she’s here. Why would they put me in the same building as the crazy, murderous bitch? They’re testing me. Trying to get me to break so they can really lock me up. So they can give me back to _him_. It’s all a test, and Martha is _enjoying_ it. Of course.

                “Maia, if it wasn’t for you we might have died in that house. He had us all barred in and the blue eyeds kept all the girls locked in _closets_. SHIELD members came in and were able to take all the blue eyeds down _without_ killing them. You saved hundreds of people, Maia.” I shake my head more aggressively and she steps forward. Towards me, her hand reaching out. I snap.

                “Don’t come _near_ me.” I snarl, backing away so quickly I stumble. She pauses immediately, and I see _pity_ in her eyes.

                “I won’t. I know what you’re going through, trust that. Maia, I’m so sorry how much of a burden this is on you. You were the youngest out of all of us, we wanted so much to protect you—“

                “Are you _kidding_ me?” What the fuck? “ _You_ wanted to _protect_ me? Is that what you call it?” She falters, and shakes her head. “You made that place even more of a hell than it was for me. You did everything you could to try to make it worse? And for what? What disgusting need did you have to want to be the favorite? What would that help?”

                “Maia—“ Nurses are looking more and more concerned and I know they’re going to take her away soon. She’s nuts and they never should have let her near me. She’s batshit crazy and horrible and I _just want to see my family why do I have to stay here_?

                “What’s the point of all of this? Trying to gain sympathy points? Trying to seem like you were the best out of all of them to the Avengers or something? Soon you’ll be telling everyone that _you_ were the one who shouted for help when he—“ I falter, my breathing starts to become erratic as the memory takes hold. All the fear and horrible emotions that I had been feeling crashed over me and it was like I was there again, and we were _getting away_ and I was supposed to love him but _all of those people._ And I could hear the Avengers. The team he was so afraid of, I could _hear_ them and he was telling me to be quiet, only a few more minutes and we could _run_ —

                “Maia!” Nurses are touching me now and I’m screaming because why are people touching me? He’s back and I know it and they’re trying to pin me down so he can come and finally kill me. I’m screaming and thrashing and I can hear Martha crying at the other side of the room. The room is spinning and _I can’t breathe, why can’t I breathe **what are you all doing to me DON’T TOUCH ME PLEASE**_ **, Oh god. Please. Not again.**

                Then it’s blackness, and I welcome it with open arms.

**Present Day**

                I cry out as he lashes me again. To be honest, whipping with an actual _whip_ is new. Good to know he still has his originality I suppose. At first he wanted to me count, but after 7 I could barely make any intelligible sounds but he kept going. Another one cracks through the air and my back is on fire but _he keeps going_ because I spoke my mind. I never should have done that.

                I try to brace myself before the next impact, my hands gripping the back of the chair he made me bend over as he whips my bare back. This was my punishment. This was my fate. I wish I could be brave and say that I didn’t regret saying the things I did, but I’m not. I’m a coward and my back hurts more than anything else and my lip is bleeding too from when I bit a whole straight through it on the 5th crack. He doesn’t care about my bruises or cuts because he can heal them after I’ve felt their pain. I wish he couldn’t, I wish he had to endure the ugliness of all the pain he thrusts upon me. But he doesn’t, and I suffer then have to pretend that it never happened.

                He doesn’t hit me again, and I hear him set the whip down and sag with relief. His cool touch is agonizingly soothing on my back and I curse him for being the thing that makes me feel better when he was the one to hurt me in the first place. But he doesn’t heal me, and I whimper as he pulls me away from the chair and towards the bed. I shake my head ‘no’ because it’s all I can do but consent is a technicality in his world and he makes me lay down on my back which sends an entirely new wave of pain through me and I cry out.

                He hushes me, and pulls off my underwear and I struggle to form coherent sounds so I can beg him not to. Not when I’m in this state, not when he’s angry and will do his best to hurt me more than ever. Not when I’ve made it explicitly clear that _I don’t want it_ and yet it does nothing.

                I want to know who was supposed to teach him “no means no” because I’d really like to slug that person in the face.

                He gets annoyed at my whimpering as he’s pulling off his socks and he barks at me to stay quiet. I can’t help but sniffle and hiccup as I try to contain my sobs, and that irritates him further so he strikes me as warning. I squeeze my eyes shut and hope that it’ll be fast tonight and he’ll heal me and I can sleep, but I can hear him breathing heavily and I know that he’s getting hard looking at my bruised flesh. His marks. His signs of the control he gets to have over my body.

                “You really brought this on yourself, you know. I wish I could let it slide, but you need to relearn how to keep your mouth shut, apparently.” I sniffle and I feel his hand on my thigh and I do my best not to shudder because that will make him angrier and I honestly can’t afford that at this point.

                He places a feather light kiss on my cheek, where he had struck me. He has me roll over then kisses each one of my welts from where he whipped me and I can’t help but cry out when he presses his fingers into one. He turns aggressive like a switch had been flipped and he crashes to the bed and forcibly shoves himself against my back rubbing against the welts. I start to sob again and he hisses in my ear to be quiet as he violently shoves his fingers in me and kneads one of my boobs.

                It’s impossible to heed his command so I quietly sob as he gropes me, until he flips me onto my back again and latches his lips onto my neck. I curl my hands into fists at my sides and he straddles me, sucking at my collarbone. My stomach is in knots and everything _hurts_ and why the foreplay all of a sudden? His fingers dance across my abdomen, and he slides a fingertip across the bony ridges of my ribs.

                “You’re still so skinny. Although I’ve been seeing some improvement.” He states, pulling away to assess my body. I turn my head to the side so I don’t have to see him looking at me. “You hadn’t been eating well before, I mean you were always thin, but this was just _dangerous_.” I hate when he does this. Prolonging the inevitable. At least when he’s fucking me I know it’ll be over soon. He could launch an entire tirade now and I would be forced to lie naked under him until he finally decides to get the job over with.

                “Imagine if I _hadn’t_ come to get you. Nobody else seemed to care that you constantly skipped meals, and you certainly aren’t very good at taking care of yourself.” He’s testing me. Seeing if I’ll snap at him again. But I’m in too much pain and regret and I just nod along and he smiles, pleased. As always, he wins.

                He kisses me then makes me jack him off and he has me keep eye contact with him. He tells me over and over that he loves me and that every couple has their fights, but I’ll learn eventually and it will get better. He grabs my shoulders and then makes me guide him into myself and he whispers into my ears how good I feel and how wet fighting must make me.

                I keep quiet, he begins to become too breathless to speak so he pushes me back down on the bed and grabs my hips, leaving more bruises. He fucks me violently and aggressively and it hurts and I start to cry again but he doesn’t care _he never cares_ and I wonder what it would be like to just give in. What it would be like to delude myself again. I wonder what the purpose of fighting is if all it does it give me more pain and reason to hate myself.

                He fucks me harder and faster and tells me to cum, so I pretend and he comes soon after and I feel pleased that I didn’t actually have to feel pleasure that time. He tells me I’m beautiful and that he loves me, and then he heals me and I cry from the relief. He asks me to kiss him so I do, he asks me to finger myself so I do, he asks me to tell him I love him. So I do.

                If he knows I’m lying, he doesn’t say.

I don’t love him. But I can’t help but wish I did. I’m too cowardly, too pathetic to keep going with this “brave” charade I’ve been trying to play. At least when I’m deluding myself, I don’t have to clean my blood off the sheets and feel grateful that there wasn’t more this time.

               

**July (Three Weeks After I was Saved)**

                When I first see my mother, I almost feel like it’s a dream. Her graying hair is pulled up high on her head, and she’s talking with my therapist and doctor by the receptionist desk. The nurse was bringing me to the cafeteria, but on the way. There she was.

                She sees me before I can say anything, and I feel tears come to my eyes. She’s wearing a yellow cardigan over a floral blouse, jeans and sensible shoes. Her go to outfit, as always. Her eyes widen as she takes in the sight of me, and I of course start crying immediately, but I don’t wipe away my tears. I want to drink in every second I have of seeing her. To remind myself that she was here. That I was here.

                “Maia.” I can barely hear her, but I know what she’s saying.

                “Mom!” I shout, and almost shove away the nurse as I run towards my mother. I practically tackle her and she lightly hugs me back. I sob against her, she’s here. She’s really here.

                “Oh Maia, oh baby. I’m so sorry I couldn’t see you sooner, oh honey.” She’s kissing the top of my head and apologizing and I’m sobbing against her and I can’t bring myself to tell her it’s okay but I can’t.

                “Why couldn’t you?” I pull away from her, tears still streaming down my face. She wipes them away, and casts a nervous glance at my doctors. I push away the thought right now _because my mother is here and_ “I never thought I’d see you again!” I say through my tears, she starts to cry too and pulls me into a hug again.

                “Oh Maia, oh my Maia. I will never let you out of my sight again, I promise.”

 

                The doctors wanted me apart from my family so they could see me “properly settled” before putting my family through seeing my mental state. Honestly it’s a bunch of bullshit in my opinion, but I’m not one to swear in front of my mother. Besides, she will bring me home soon anyway. There’s no point dwelling on the tremendous bullshit this hospital is trying to put me through. Or loony bin. Whatever it’s called.

                “Maia, your brother, sister, and father are so happy you are okay. They should be able to come visit you soon too.”

                “Visit?” I search her eyes. We’re seated inside my hospital room, I’m sitting cross legged on the bed and she’s in the chair next to it. She swallows and looks away, nodding. I shake my head, “No, no I don’t want them to _visit_. I want to go home! Why do I have to stay here?”

                She won’t look at me, and closes her eyes.

                “Maia. It’s…complicated. We all just want what’s best for you. You’ve…” She opens her eyes, and I see fresh tears brimming her eyes. “You’ve gone through hell, and I’m so sorry.” She starts to cry and I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from crying too. “I’m _so sorry_ , Maia. My baby, I never… I can’t believe how…”

                “Mom stop…”

                “They say you won’t say _anything_ about it, Maia. That you go into fits all the time, but you won’t talk about him.”

                “Mom—“

                “You can’t even hear his _name_ for god’s sake, Maia! We, we all just want to _help_ you! But you won’t let us!” I wipe my face and cross my arms. “You have to let us help you, Maia. You have to talk to your therapist. You need to take the medication. You can’t come home yet, we don’t know how…how you will react being back in the world.”

                “I’ll react _fine_ , mom!” She stands up and shakes her head, curling strands escape from her bun. She pinches the bridge of her nose, as if exhausted by me. “Mom! I’m _fine_ , why won’t anyone actually _listen_ to what I want?”

                “Because you’re _not_ fine, Maia!” Her outburst surprises me and I flinch at the severity of her tone. She notices my reaction and her expression turns to horrified. “Maia. Maia you need to just—“

                “No! No, everyone needs to _stop_ telling me what to do! That’s all my life has been for the past months!” Tears are streaming down my face and my mother places a hand over her trembling lips. “Every single part of me was controlled by him. I couldn’t _dress_ how I wanted, I couldn’t go anywhere, I couldn’t even _think_. And at first I fought,” my voice quavers and my mother rushes towards me and wraps me in another hug and I sob against her. “I fought so hard, mommy. I promise, that I tried, I promise that I tried everything I could to get away. I just, I just wanted to _die_ and _he_ wouldn’t even allow me that.”

                I feel her crying against my head, and she kisses my hair and apologizes over and over again and we sit like that for a while.

                “I didn’t get to choose mom. I never got to choose anything. So please, _please_ let me choose now. I want to go home, I _need to go home_.” She pulls away, and wipes her eyes. Her make up is smeared and I feel bad for doing that to her. For making her upset like this.

                “Okay.” She whispers, “You get to choose.”

***

**Present Day**

                I cry a lot more now. I don’t know why. Everything sets me off, but he has taken it upon himself to draw me into his arms every time he catches me doing it. It makes me sick but I don’t pull away anymore because he is the only human(oid) contact I feel. He is the only thing that truly distracts me from the never ending dialogue in my head. I can’t tell him that I feel grateful for it. _Grateful_.

                I ignore the word and its impact on me. I’ve gotten quite good at sewing and he now lets me embroider my skirts and other clothing, even blankets. It’s a fun task, but it doesn’t distract me as much as I wish it would. Honestly, the best thing for me would be a big TV set. Nothing takes me away from my thoughts like a good TV show or movie. He would never allow that, but I can’t help but dream.

                He’s always been in my nightmares, but now he’s in my dreams too. I have dreams where he has miraculously transforms good. He frees me, and begs for my forgiveness. Then he brings me to a big field and I am able to run around and do whatever I wish and he keeps _everyone_ away from me. No one else ever is able to touch me or hurt me again. _I_ choose what I wear, _I_ choose who to see, and who gets to touch me. _I_ have _control_. Those dreams make me sad when I wake up. They are only dreams, and control is probably the most impossible thing I can wish for at this point.

                “Yet you crave the loss of control.” I feel his breath at my ear and my heart sinks. I didn’t expect him to be here so soon. I flinch as his hand brushes mine as he takes away my embroidery hoop. I can almost feel his smirk, he tuts and pulls me to the chair and onto his lap where he strokes my knee. “Your thoughts are turning quite depressing my dear, maybe some sunshine is in order?” I look at the wall and shrug.

                He sighs, and pulls me closer to him so I’m leaning against his chest and he rests his chin on top of my head. I close my eyes and pretend that if I’m still enough, if I’m quiet, he’ll forget I’ll exist. I’ll forget I exist and just vanish. He tsks again and I force myself to envision a white wall so he won’t look into my thoughts anymore.

                “Oh Maia, enough with that. You know how I detest it when you do that.” I huff,

                “Then stop going into my head. You promised you wouldn’t anymore.” His fingers, which were previously playing with my hair, froze.

                “We _agreed_ that on the terms that you would be good. However, I see you still haven’t cleaned the floors or sorted out your clothes.” I pull out of his grasp and rub my face with the palms of my hands.

                “I was _getting_ to it, I didn’t realize you’d be back today this early.”

                “It’s 9 PM!” I blink, was it really?

                I slide off of him and start picking up my clothes, still keeping the white wall in my mind. I hear him grumble as he stands from the chair and goes to the bed. He calls for me to join him, and I pretend not to hear him. As always, I hope that if I ignore him for long enough, he’ll just go away. But it never works. He takes me over to the bed anyway, and I close my eyes so I won’t have to look at him while he does it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, trash. Thanks for getting this far on this horrible impending train wreck. Instead of a roller coaster, I imagine as you all strapped on the back of my train that I'm conducting, screaming and I'm also screaming but I can't do anything to stop it. Okay, I'm definitely weird right now I apologize in advance. I really can't stop myself, I hope I chill out soon dear lord. Anyway, let me know if I need to JUST DELETE THIS ENTIRE STORY BECAUSE HONESTLY I'D BE OKAY WITH THAT AT THIS POINT. THANKS FOR JUMPING ON MY SPEEDING TRAIN AND I'M SORRY BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO JUMP BECAUSE THERE'S NO STOPPING THIS THING TILL IT GOES UP IN FLAMES.
> 
> what the fuck is going on with me right now


	10. Changed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHHHHHHHHH two more left!! WHAT.

**Present Day**

                I’ve agreed to his earlier proposition—to help recruit new people. It sickens me to have agreed, to get to watch people choose their own fate. To watch them wield their power of _control_. Most likely, with his plan, they’ll agree to go along with it. He has immersed himself into global politics, and has already managed to get all kinds of senators, prime ministers, even some _royalty_ under his thumb. Now he just needed soldiers, but he needed to secure more bases, and he didn’t have a right hand person, someone he could trust. Little old me.

                We're going to go to his other base, then after we would go to a ball where my first "assignment" would take place. Tonight he would accompany me, until he could trust me not to mess it up. If I performed well, my family would be safe and comfortable for the rest of their lives. If I managed to exceed his expectations, he would clear their memories of me so they wouldn’t have to be in pain anymore.

                At first I was against the idea, and thought of it more as a punishment than a reward. But after mulling it over, I realized it was the biggest gift I could give them. I had no hope of ever escaping him again anyway, so why would I want my family to continue out their lives in such a depressing state? They would always wonder what had happened to me, always think about the pain I’d be going through. I knew they would, my mother wouldn’t be able to take it for too long. My father might, but my brother would be angry for the rest of his life. By forcing them to live knowing that I was in an endless state of suffering, I made them suffer too. I was broken, but I had the chance to make sure they could be whole.

                I considered asking him to clear my memory too, to just erase the past so I could believe I was happy here. But I dismissed the idea angrily after I realized how happy it would make him. How fucking _gleeful_ he would be at being able to control yet another part of me. No. I would suffer, if it meant that he knew I was suffering too. Another part of me knew that I wouldn’t be happy anyway, even if I was tricked into thinking this was consensual. He had problems way deeper than being a murderous sociopath, if that was possible. No, I would suffer regardless of the situation, only if I was with him.

 

**One Year Ago**

                My life has been diminished to two things, being scared and being in pain. Nothing else. We’ve moved twice in the past two weeks, running from what I think they call the “Avengers”. I hope they’ll catch us and save me. Maybe they’ll kill him, that’d be nice.

                My Sex Ed class only went over rape in two classes. My teacher, a burly man who taught gym in the next period and coached for the football team, said, “if she says no, it means no”. And then gave us examples of a person saying “no”. I remember being enraged that it was something we had to be taught in _class_. That he had to help people comprehend what the word _no_ means. As if there was any other meaning for it, that there was some trick, some way to _make_ the other person say yes, even after they’ve said no.

                This really gross guy, one who consistently texted basically every girl asking for nudes (we didn’t even give him our phone number most of the time, and yes, I mean we). He kept asking questions like, “well what if her eyes say yes, what if she says nothing at all, what if she’s drunk, why can’t she say yes if she’s drunk? What if she’s asleep but we’re dating? What if we’re married and she says no?”

                One of my best friends _finally_ shut him up by informing him that if someone tells him that they don’t want it, or isn’t in the right state of mind to tell him that they _do_ want it, it’s rape. Rape. The two classes on rape were telling the boys (and girls too in all honesty) not to _rape_. He never told us what to do if we were. He described instances of a mean boy in a dark alley and a drunk uncle at a Christmas party. He didn’t say what to do after. He didn’t explain how much it actually _hurt_ or how to _protect myself_. He didn’t inform me that after a week I wouldn’t be able to walk well because my legs felt like constant jelly. That I would have bruises the size of my hand on the insides of my thighs and on my hips and my stomach. He didn’t tell me that even where there isn’t bruises I would want to scratch off my skin just because Loki touched it. Just because his hands made me feel as I do when a bug crawls on me.

                So what do I do now? I can’t fight back. My bruises have taught me that. I can’t go along with it, as my mind has informed me many times. I can’t even _hope_ for freedom because Loki can read every thought in my head and now _nothing_ is my own and I _just want to go home_.

                Before, when I was sad or upset, I could tell myself that there was worse things to be going through. I would remind myself of how trivial my problems really were in the broad span of things, and that would at least get me to contain myself. But what now? The only situation that may be worse than this one that I can think of is dying, but even that seems better than this. Am I selfish for thinking that?

                I’ve stopped fighting Loki, and most of my bruises that he’s refused to heal (I know he can) are fading. My mind is in a constant state of disarray. I’m having trouble thinking straight or paying attention lately, and I _know_ that if I’m with him for much longer I’ll completely lose it.

                There’s another girl here now too. Her name is Mary or Maria or something like that. I don’t talk to her much as I’m locked up in his room most of the time, but the few times I have it’s been refreshing. I’m so used to just Loki or even the blue eyeds (that’s what I’ve decided to call his slaves) that it’s nice to just see another girl. Someone who knows what I’m going through. Although, she’s a bit older than me which is slightly scary. I’m the youngest here, and I’ve always been disgusted by guys who lust after women— _girls_ who are way younger than them.

                He has a few people who aren’t blue eyeds here. I don’t see any of them besides M… Marissa? Who knows. But she’s told me that she “works” for whoever is third in command or something. I don’t really care. It’s irritating that she doesn’t even seem half as bruised as I am, and I’m wondering if she even enjoys it. She definitely doesn’t like that I’m here, she told me she feels so bad since I’m so young. I don’t feel very young anymore.

                I’m locked in his room most of the time. He’s worried that the Avengers will get to me and save me. So he keeps me locked in here in case anyone finds us and Loki’s not here. It’s terrifying to think about, but I’m pretty sure that Loki would rather have me _die_ than be free from him. He’s gotten so attached to me. It’s gone from him having me once a day, to two times, and now it’s whenever he sees me basically. I thought that after having someone for a while, he would get bored. Apparently not.

                I hear the lock unclick and my knees go to my chest instinctively. I subconsciously try to make myself smaller on the bed and I squeeze my eyes shut so I don’t have to see him. He doesn’t care much, and I prefer to close my eyes so I can pretend it isn’t happening. So I can pretend he’s someone else. Even his name is starting to make me sick to my stomach, and I’m finding myself just calling him _he_ or _him_ most of the time. He prefers me to call him royal names like “sire” or “my lord” or whatever. I know it’s because he thinks he will rule Earth, but I honestly think it’s mostly a kink of his. He loves control, it makes sense.

                His boots are thudding loudly against the rickety floor boards of this ramshackle old house he has us holed up in. He must be in a bad mood, and that makes me curl up tighter. I feel the end of the bed dip under his weight and separate thuds indicate he must be removing his clothes.

                When he first had me, he used magic all the time. To remove his clothes, my clothes, shut the door, etc. But now he hardly uses it as he needs to save his strength. He was gravely injured at the battle of New York, and two weeks later he still hasn’t recovered. I don’t mind though, I know if the Avengers find us now he’d be toast in two minutes flat. And I would be free, with most of my sanity intact. Most of it.

                He suddenly grabs my ankle and yanks me down the bed to him. I yelp out in surprise and he releases me. I peek out between my fingers to see him holding himself over me, naked and pissed off. Sounds like a reality show.

                He starts unbuttoning my white dress and I pull my hands away from my face so he won’t see me as resisting. I only have two items of clothing anyway, this dress and a big tee-shirt to sleep in. Everything else he’s ripped or I’ve bled on too much. He knows this is my last one, so he’s more careful which I think is nice.

                _Why do I think it’s nice? Fuck, someone save me before this gets worse._

                He discards my dress immediately after sliding it off, and I close my eyes and prepare myself best I can for whatever he feels like doing next. But nothing comes. He’s quiet. I hear him breathing heavily and finally I open one eye to see what he’s doing. He’s just…staring at me.

                “Why are you so unhappy all the time, my flower?” I blink. Conversation isn’t usually his main focus, especially when I’m naked. I swallow and try to think of the correct response,

                “I…I don’t know.” It’s a lie, and he knows it. But he also knows why I’m not happy. He knows why I’m fucking scared and depressed and vaguely suicidal (but I’ll put a pin in that for later). He _knows_ all of this so why…

                “You _do_ , but you don’t want to say it. Do you know why?”

                Was he monologuing? I shake my head, squirming under his focused gaze.

                “I will tell you, since you seem to be unable to say anything that isn’t ruined by your incessant stuttering.” My face grows heated in embarrassment, “Well, we both know _why_ you’re unhappy, but that’s not what I really care about.” He waves his hand as he talks, I feel like I should be offended, but I’m also just so curious as to what he’s going to say. “What pleases me, is that you don’t fight back any longer, that you don’t insist on crying or whatever nonsense. Flower, you’ve finally submitted!”

                My eyebrows furrow, he looks… _overjoyed_? _What the actual fuck_.

                He leans down and captures my lips in a passionate kiss. I place my hands against his chest, ready to shove him away. Ready to shout at him that I haven’t submitted, that I don’t want this, that I’m miserable _because he is there_.

                But I don’t. I leave my hands there, and he smiles against my lips, pleased. I was losing myself. At least now he had something to feel victorious about. He was breaking a seventeen year old girl. Yay him.

**November (Thanksgiving Break)**

                “Maia!” My mom’s voice calls up the stairs, I don’t look up from my phone.

                “What?” I call back, she doesn’t answer. “What?” I shout louder, she still doesn’t answer. I huff dramatically and stand up from my bed and go to the top of the stairs. “Mom, _what_?”

                “Come down here, I need to talk to you.” She’s at the base of the stairs, having obviously heard me. I roll my eyes and shove my phone into the back pocket of my jeans and trot down the stairs. She’s sitting at the dining room table, her “serious” look on her face.

                God damn it. Not another “talk”. If I wasn’t suicidal before, lord help me I would be now.

                “Maia, sit down.” I let out a loud sigh and violently throw my ass into the chair across from her. Dad’s not here, so maybe it isn’t that annoying of a talk. They’re not going to try to get me on more drugs or get more therapy if he’s not here.

                “We need to talk about Tyler.” My phone which I had been already using again, dropped to the table with a clatter. I blinked, off guard.

                “Tyler? Why do we need to talk about him?”

                “I know you guys had a falling out, which is fine. What he did was unforgivable but—“

                “But what mom? I’m not going to talk to him.” She knew about the whole “I’ve been a reporter this whole time!!” part. However, I _hadn’t_ told her about the increasing levels of ‘creep’ this guy was putting off. Not to mention the fucking flowers he put by my bedside table that I would find in the morning. Thank god I’m at home and that stopped.

                “That’s not what I was going to say.” She pulled out her own phone and tapped it a couple of times, then turned it towards me. “He’s been texting _me_ nonstop. Maia, has he been doing this to you too?” My breath catches in my throat and I flick my eyes over to her phone. Sure enough there it is, messages upon messages. I don’t read them, I just scroll up to see how many there are. My blood has gone cold. 

                “Judging by your reaction, he’s been doing this to you too. I don’t know exactly, but I’m pretty sure we can’t file a restraining order for texting but…” She flicks her eyes up at mine, and I swallow. “If it’s been at a higher level than this, we definitely can.”

                My head is hurting. I shouldn’t have to deal with this level of shit. I think I’ve reached the level of capacity for shit in my life, so this is just ridiculous. A restraining order? I just attract crazy I guess.

                “I…” A restraining order might attract the media again though, and then I’ll have all kinds of reporters again, or maybe even more fake friends just trying to get the insider scoop.

                My mother pats my hand gently,

                “It doesn’t have to be decided right now, I know you need time. This… You don’t deserve this.” She shakes her head, and I see tears brimming her eyes as she lifts herself from her chair. I stand with her and she goes off towards the kitchen. “Dinner will be ready in half an hour.” She says over her shoulder, her voice thick.

                I can’t get a restraining order, I can’t tell my mother how actually creepy this guy is. No. I don’t want to rely on anyone else to save me, and I don’t want my mother to have to worry and feel guiltier than she already does. I’ll deal with this myself. I’m capable of that, and I can—no. I _will_ prove it.

                I’m paying Tyler a visit tomorrow, happy Thanksgiving Eve you god damned pyscho.

**Present Day**

                He brought me to his other whores. Apparently a couple of them are cosmetologists or hair stylists or something, and since some ball or something that he needs me to attend is tonight, I get the royal treatment.

                He transports me outside of an old looking farmhouse. It’s cute, with the shutters and window boxes on the first floor windows. Way better than a fucking cave inside a mountain, but I won’t complain. Don’t have a choice, but again. No complaints.

                Just knowing that his other whores are in there has already made me bitchier. But I made a promise to myself earlier. I wasn’t going to break like before. I wasn’t going to take it out on other women who were probably just going through what I was.

                Although, and I stand by this. Martha could kiss my fucking ass, I don’t regret fighting that bitch on sight.

                “They’re excited to be able to do this, and to meet their future Queen.” I stiffen, he was doing the hierarchy again.

                _I will **not** take my frustration out on them. I will **not** give him another victory. I am not grateful, I am not grateful. _

                “Maia?” I blink, but keep repeating my mantra in my head as I follow him inside. He takes my hand and I know that it’s another method of manipulation. A way to try to show me off to whoever was inside, and to try to make me feel superior to those same people. But I would not do it. Not again. I had grown stronger, and I was not going to fall as easily this time.

                The door was opened before he could touch the doorknob, and a tall dark skinned girl appeared in the now open doorway.

                “She’s here!” She called behind her shoulder, _he_ drags me in and the girl looks me up and down. I hear multiple footsteps as others enter too. I stare back at the girl, but already I feel angry. She’s fucking _gorgeous_.

                She’s tall and thin, with dark long braids pulled into a pony tail and falling down her back. Her big green eyes appraise me for a moment, and I wonder what she’s going to be like. Will she be pitying, empathetic? Or will she be mean?

                If they’re all shitty to me, I can’t promise myself I won’t snap back. I don’t want to take out my pent up anger and frustration on them for no reason, but fuck if they try it with me I’m not going to hold back for morality. Fuck that.

                Two other girls trip over themselves coming in through the door next to us. The first girl closes the door and _he_ puts an arm around my shoulders, grinning. I feel like slapping someone. Mostly him, but also myself. I really shouldn’t be here.

                “Girls, this is Maia, the love of my life.” I wince and he presses a kiss to my temple. The atmosphere feels frosty and it’s silent.

                “Well. Aren’t you going to introduce yourselves?” He snips, I clench my fists and the girls all gather together in a line. The two who had just come in finally coming into full view.

                “Um, well I’m Serena.” This one is dark haired, Italian, judging by how she rolled her ‘r’. Her dark brown eyes are framed by ridiculously long eye lashes and I notice that I don’t hold a candle to any of these three girls. She’s shorter than the other two, but she’s by far the thinnest. But she rocks it with her straight hair and her large doe eyes.

                “I’m Ariana.” The second says, she looks a bit more similar to Serena, but taller and with curly hair. Her lips are full and she has the most accentuated cheek bones I’ve ever seen. She’s the least skinny of the three, but she still looks amazing.

                There’s another heavy silence and I cast my eyes to the last one, the girl who opened the door for us. Her arms are crossed, and she’s glaring. But not at me, at _him_.

                “You didn’t tell us she would be so young.” My eyes widen, and his grip on me tightens.

                The other two join in immediately, Serena asks me,       

                “How old are you, bella?” I look nervously at the man next to me, and Ariana immediately starts cursing in another language. Arabic maybe? Serena joins in in heated Italian and it all turns chaotic and crazy.

                “It’s bad enough you keep the three of us here like slaves, but now you bring us the girl you’ve always been raving about, and she’s as fucking terrified of you as the rest of us? Fuck this!” I blink as the first girl yells at him. Her British accent punctuates every syllable and I’m surprised. I’ve yelled at him before, but I don’t think I’ve ever sworn at him this much.

                He all but throws me away from him and I stumble as he charges at the girl. My breath catches, he will _kill_ her if he sees fit.

                “No stop!” I shout at him, he freezes. Everyone freezes, he turns to glare at me. “Don’t… Don’t punish her… Please.” Everything is silent and still except for all our respective heavy breaths. 10 seconds go by, 20.

                “Fine.” He straightens. I let out a relieved sigh, but then his hand comes out and cuffs the girl so suddenly she stumbles and almost falls. “You should thank her, for talking me into being so kind. Beg at her fucking feet your worthless swine. Now tell her your name, whore.”

                I can tell she’s angry by the fire in her eyes. But she down casts her gaze to the floor and says quietly,

                “My name is Tanya.” He slaps her again and she cries out. He turns around and grabs my arm tightly and drags me away from them.

                “Let’s show you around the place shall we. And also maybe we should have a bit of a talk. The three of you prepare yourselves to get her ready for tonight.”

                He drags me out and shows me the bottom floor, then brings me up some rickety stairs to a small hallway containing four doors. The first one is a bathroom, and obviously a shared one by the state of the sink. I know from living with a sister what a girls’ bathroom can look like. It makes me smile, but he pulls me out before I can feel happy that I’m smiling.

                The next three are bedrooms, and he drags me back down the stairs and into his room that he showed me before. He pushes me to the bed and begins to pace in front of me.

                “You undermined my authority back there. I don’t want to have to punish you like this any longer, I thought we were past this.” This resembled so many arguments I’d heard my parents have over us children. Amusing.

                “I didn’t want you to hit her.”

                He scoffed, “Like I haven’t had to pull you off of _multitudes_ of whores here. Since when did you become so saintly?” I felt a stab at my gut for that one, I bite the inside of my cheek and look away.

                “I’ve changed.” He laughs at that.

                “Darling, if I believed that I wouldn’t have trusted to bring you here. Now I’ll let this one slide, but if you try to come between me again—“

                “Don’t touch them.” I look back up at him, straight in the eye. He falters, surprised.  “If you won’t let them go, you at least aren’t going to lay another _finger_ on them.”

                “You’re crossing dangerous territory here, ordering _me_ about. What has gotten into you, you’ve only just met them!”

                I stand from the bed, dismissing his question. This surprises him too, and it takes him a second to break out of his stupor and catch my arm. I stop when I feel his contact,

                “Let go of me. I’m going to get ready, like you wanted.” My voice is low. His grip tightens and he steps in front of me.

                “Stop trying to order me. You are my _queen_ , not my dictator.”

                “No. But if I’m going to be your queen, that means we would be _equals_.” His face darkens, his other hand grabs my hair and pulls my hair back so my head is tilted up. I cry out in pain against my will and he steps closer so that he’s towering over me.

                “Is that what you think, flower? Is that what you’ve gotten into your pretty little head? That we are _equals_?” He snaps my hair harder and I bite my lip hard to keep from crying out again. “I may love you, but that does not change your mortality. That does not change your Midgardian stupor or _overwhelming inferiority_.” He leans down so his lips are close to my ear, I struggle in his grip. “You are _my_ queen. You are _mine_. And we will _never_ be equals.”

                He releases my hair and I whimper. His free hand shoots behind him and I hear the lock click. I haven’t heard a lock click in however long I’ve been with him again. A strange thing to be thinking about in this moment for sure.

                “As I said before, I’d hoped we’d eventually get past the point where I needed to punish you. But apparently you insist on trying my every nerve.” I put my hands on his chest and shove him away with all my might. He barely stumbles.

                “You are so messed up! Why do you think I’m ever going to love you, when you openly act as if I’m more of a pet than a person?” He growls and cuts me off by grabbing my head and forcing his lips on mine. I squeeze my lips together as tightly as I can and he pushes me away, growling.

                “Do not deny me, _pet_.” He attacks me again and I try to get away by stumbling backwards, but my knees hit the bed and I topple backwards. He laughs and pounces, and I can’t stop myself from screaming and thrashing.

                But this time I hear banging on the door. The girls are shouting on the other end and my spirits lift as I realize that someone is on my side. I fight harder which surprises him, but not enough to grant my freedom.

                “Cease your incessant yelling at once, quim!” I manage to kick him in the thigh but the girls go silent on the other end. He backhands me across the face and stars fill my vision. He pulls me up by the shoulders then hits me again.

                I weakly push at him but it does no more damage than a fly. He rips off my sundress and I throw a halfhearted punch at him. He deflects it without batting an eye, and just as casually hooks me in the gut. I literally deflate as the wind is knocked out of me and he lessens his hold so I fall back onto the bed. His clothing is already off, but he doesn’t want pleasure, he wants pain. He wants control.

                I wheeze, but still try to force my legs closed, he grabs my thighs and forces my legs open easily, and stretches me so that I weakly try to cry out in pain. He shoves his fingers inside me, looking pleased that I’m bone dry. This is his punishment.

                But then he lifts me and brings me to the floor and forces my head and torso on the bed. The memory of him first raping me overwhelms all my senses and pure panic takes over. I cry out wheezed protests and pleads, and I feel like I did a year ago as he chuckles humorlessly and stands between my legs.

                The room suddenly grows colder and I realize he’s lowering the temperature so it will be _exactly_ like my first time. His hand is on my neck, shoving my face into the bed and I squirm under him, desperately choking back my panicked sobs.

                He slaps my now chilled ass and I break out into anxious sobs as my world crashes down on me because _I’m so fucking helpless_ because _nothing has changed_ since last year. I’ll never be strong enough to do what I’ve always wanted since this last year. To push him off of me, to be able to _run_ and to _get away_. But his dick is on my ass and I can feel by how hard he is that he can’t hold off any longer and his mouth is on my back but I know he isn’t going to go slow. Just like last time he shoves himself into my unprepared cunt and I scream _just like last year_ because no matter how much _it hurts so fucking much_. I think I scream, and I hear voices outside the door, _but is this my first time I can’t remember_ and he _laughs_ and thrusts relentlessly as I sob and scream against the bed. But I can’t _fucking breathe_ in this position and I hope that I pass out because he’s _breaking and ripping every part of me and he’s laughing and  I can’t remember if it was worth it._

                Nothing has changed from how much this hurts. Nothing has changed as I can’t _stop myself from screaming and sobbing_ even though I _know that he likes it even more when I cry_. I can’t stop myself. Can I change, nothing’s changed from this. Why do those girls get to stand out there while I’m in here _like I’ve always been_? There’s no difference from me and them except that _I’m the one in pain_ while they are not. Is it worth it? _Are they worth this_?

               

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all of those who commented on the last chapter anyway, looks like this speeding train is going to continue until it crashes and burns. Oh well, I'm going to hell apparently anyway, might as well speed up the process. Also.. This is a late one coming, but does anyone want to beta this or something? I'm not doin too well at editing (I never have but we'll pretend it's a new thing) so let me know... You can email me at justgettheheckoffofhere@gmail.com (don't ask) if you don't want to post your email or something... I feel v awkward right now so I'm just gonna finish off here.... Thanks for reading comment what ya think and all that stuff! Love all of you!!


	11. Morals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wooh. Some smut in this one. Also a lot of politics in the last segment.

**Present Day**

                He finishes with a sigh, and I hope that this is the last time. He had me three times already, and he made me orgasm twice which _disgusts_ me. This time he collapses on the bed next to me and I ffeel my tense muscles relax a bit because this means he’s done.

                He turns his head so he’s facing me, and brushes my hair out of my eyes. I turn my head away from him, but he just chuckles breathlessly and scoots closer. His lips are on my neck and my body seizes up again, I hope desperately he isn’t somehow getting ready for another round. He pulls back and his fingers wrap around my chin and force my head to turn back to him.

                “Have you learned your lesson?” He asks, a smirk starting to form. My lips tremble and I shakily nod my head yes, hating every fiber of my being. He grins widely and kisses me sweetly. “Good, because you need to get ready as we need to leave in one hour.” He kisses me again quickly then sits up and stretches. I put an arm over my eyes, forcing myself not to break down in tears at the thought of having to be in a room full of people who were okay with all of this.

                I feel him lean over me, and suddenly my pain is lessening. I pull my arm off my face to see that he’s healing me. After he’s done he kisses me one more time, then gets up and pats my now bruise-less thigh. I wince and he magically puts on his clothes and leaves.

 

                I give myself a moment to gather my mind together, then I slowly sit up too. I assess the damage of the room and try to keep away the memories of what had happened in the last hour. Through the open door, the three girls come crashing in, their eyes wide with shock as they take in the damaged furniture.

                “Mio dio.” Serena says, a hand over her mouth. Ariana’s eyes scan over my body, after seeing no damage her eyebrows raise.

                “Do… Do you want to talk about it?” She asks, looking nervous. I shake my head quickly, bottling everything up.

                “Nope, I’m fine. He said you guys would help me get ready?” Tanya shakes her head at me.

                “I know he was an evil fuck, but bloody hell, we could _hear_ you! None of us got that kind of shit, and we’ve been here for a month!” My lips purse. A month. A _month_.

                “Well you all must be experts then after being here _a month_ , what with your windows and each other. I’ve been stuck in a cave with no one but him, so trust me when I say I’m _fine_ and just _leave it at that_!” They all visibly step back in shock from my anger. I realize I’m stark naked in front of all of them for the first time, but honestly I don’t even care.

                Lord. They think they’re so smart about all of this for being here a _fucking month_. He’s forced me to be _naked_ for an entire month once, a month is _nothing_.

                “Maia, we can see you’re upset so we’ll just leave it at that.” Ariana’s face is so genuine that I start to relax. Serena nods along with her, then offers me a robe which I take bashfully.

                They lead me to a different room and Serena has me sit in a chair in front of a vanity and then goes into a different room. Tanya picks up a brush, then carefully untangles my long hair. It feels nice, to have someone gently massaging my scalp and going through my hair. I relax more and close my eyes.

                “Thanks…by the way, for speaking up for me back there.” Her voice startles me, I blink, and look at her reflection behind me in the mirror. “You’re so much younger than we thought you would be, and I can’t hold back how bloody pissed it makes me.” Her eyes are full of fire, I look down at my lap and shrug.

                “I’m 18, I’m not _that_ young.” I’m not sure why I’m defending him a bit, but it is true that I’m not like…14 or something.

                “No but you were kidnapped a year ago, right? You were seventeen then. We’re all in our twenties and we feel like our youth is being stripped away, but _you—_ “ She shakes her head and puts down the brush and picks up a straightening iron. “It just really… it sucks so much for us. But you have it _so_ much worse and that pisses me off. It pisses all of us off, because we thought from the way he talked about you that you… you _wanted_ to be here.” Her eyes catch mine again, “We wanted to _hate_ you. But now we—“

                “We don’t really need to talk about it.” I hold up a hand, her lips press together in a thin line. She shakes her head and her hair moves with it.

                “Fine. But just know we’re all on your side, and we will get out of this.”

                I look down at my hands, not acknowledging her last words of hope. I don’t want to have any anymore. My biggest hope was that when he goes to war again, they’ll finish the job and kill him. Or maybe I’ll find a way to just not exist anymore, that’d be nice.

 

**One Year Ago**

                The first time he told me he loved me, I cried. He told me once he managed to overthrow the Avengers, we would get properly married and he’d have me carry his children. I’m one month in. I cried when he told me and he slapped me, telling me it was rude after he “bared his soul”. I thought living with him couldn’t get any worse. I was wrong.

                He fucks me on _sight_ now. If I say his name instead of “my lord” or “sire” or something like that, he makes me wash my mouth out with his…

                We’ve moved on from the house to a _cave_ now. He has nowhere to lock me in, so he sometimes chains me to an iron hoop inside the cave when he thinks I’m misbehaving or not _listening_ hard enough. I try to act good just so I can move around, and see other people. There’s a couple more girls now, but none of them talk to me much. Martha, the first _other_ girl, ignores me most of the time too. I don’t have any time to confront her about it though, because I’m usually so busy trying to avoid _him_ that I don’t see her.

                I’m making flower crowns by the woods when I hear his voice calling for me. _Loki_. I shudder and look around for a place to hide, but he’s definitely spotted me. I get up anyway, abandoning my hard work and take off for the woods. He’ll definitely chain me up for this, but I’m just in so much pain from this morning that I can’t even _fathom_ having him again.

                I race towards the tree line, but as always, he catches me. He grabs my long hair and yanks me back to him and I lose my footing and crash to the ground. He releases my hair so I’ll fall, and kicks my body as soon as I try to get up again.

                He doesn’t even bother speaking, he’s on top of me and he’s animalistic and I’m screaming because _I’m just so tired and I don’t **want this**_. But he slaps me and I go silent and he pulls up my dress and I shove my fist in my mouth to keep from crying and he just _shoves himself_ inside of me and starts fucking me against the dirt. Tears leak from eyes as it sinks in that this is my life, the never ending cycle of being his _sex toy_. I just want to go home.

                He starts to grunt about one of the blue eyeds escaping, and how I will _never leave him_ and I turn my head away as he rips my sundress down the middle so he can grope one of my boobs. I squeeze my eyes shut as he grabs my hand and drapes it over his shoulder, wordlessly trying to get me to touch him. His mouth is all over me and finally he finishes inside of me and my back is hurting from being scraped against the dirt.

                He leans down and kisses me desperately, then grabs my arm and drags me with him to the camp. I start to cry and beg him, but he pulls me into the cave anyway and binds my wrists and chains them to the iron loop in the wall. I sob and continue to beg him but he just kisses me,

                “You will _never_ be able to leave me. _You are mine and always will be_.” He squeezes my breast, then walks out, ignoring my shouted pleads after him.

 

**Present Day**

                He has me descend down the staircase like this is some teen Prom movie. The girls had all worked hard to get me ready, and I feel like a polished poodle, but I’m grateful they worked so hard for me.

                I put my hand on the polished wooden rail and descend the stairs. I was concentrating so hard on not falling that I didn’t notice him standing at the bottom, smiling at me. When I reach the last step I look up, and he’s there, dressed in fancy attire, with his hand outstretched. I take it nervously, and he kisses my knuckles lightly,

                “You are absolutely _stunning_ my dear.” He says in a low voice, a smirk pulling at his lips. I force a weak smile up at him, and he kisses my hand again before urging me forward with a hand on my lower back. “If I wasn’t worried we would be late, I’d fuck you right against this staircase.” He whispers, nipping at my ear on the way out. I resist the urge to cringe.

                He wants to bring us there “in style” so he teleports us a few miles from wherever the party is taking place and pulls me into a limo that was waiting. I’d never been in a limo before, and I gladly accept the champagne that was next to the windows.

                “Now flower, I know I had you all dressed up for tonight, but your job is not to seduce anyone.” I almost choke on my drink, and I send him an exasperated look. “Don’t look at me like that, I know how you flirted at that college of yours.” I take another huge gulp to keep myself from rolling my eyes. “Anyway, we’ve been over this before, but your job is to _connect_ with the leaders of a few organizations that will be there. Mainly, Grant Ward of Hydra. They hate SHIELD with a burning passion, and the saying in Midgard is ‘an enemy of my enemy is my friend’, no?” I dully nod.

                “I’ll be with you the whole time, but if you do this right, we may have a whole army on our side.” I finish my drink and set it down, steeling myself for his possible outburst at what I wanted to say next.

                “Sire… If I do this for you tonight, and others after, will you grant me one more thing?” I hate how sweetly I have to talk to him, but this was necessary.

                He raises his eyebrows at my boldness and lifts his shoulders, “Go on.”

                “If I succeed. Will you… Will you let Tanya and Serena and Ariana go?” I hold my breath, bracing myself for his possible outrage. He’s stoic, thinking it over. He pours himself a glass as well, then raises it to me.

                “I admire your bravery, pet.” I wince, “You do this dear, and I will never take a woman besides you again.” I swallow and nod, excitement building in my gut. I was going to do something god damned right for once, I was going to help those women.

 

**One Year Ago (After I was made a Blue Eyed)**

                Seeing is… strange. It feels like I’m looking through a window, just watching myself do the motions. When Loki tells me to walk, I walk. When Loki tells me to stop, I stop. Nothing makes sense. My mind is blank, I cannot _think_.

                He’s pleased with this development. The first few days he had me do all sorts of things to him, but I can see he’s getting less and less excited about me now being a mindless drone.

                He’s transported us somewhere in Europe. Almost fifty people. It exhausted him so much that most of the time he’s just sleeping in his tent. I help fix the huge old mansioin he brought us to. I help with whatever he tells me to.

                But when he’s sleeping, when he’s away for long periods of time, I feel… color slipping back into the world. I don’t know how to describe it. I feel that window I’m looking through open just a bit, and tiny parts of myself try their hardest to fit through. Just as I feel like I might break through, Lok— _he_ returns. He always returns.

                Today he’s displeased. This is the longest time span he’s been awake for _weeks._ I’m busy helping some others fix the house, so I don’t see him come up behind me.

                “Maia, come with me.” I stop what I’m doing immediately and follow him into his tent. He perches on top of a stool, and motions me to sit in front of him. I do so without hesitation.

                “Maia…” He’s conflicted. He touches the side of my face and I just blink up at him. “I miss your green eyes.” He says after a long period of silence. My eyebrows furrow.

                “I don’t usually regret things I’ve decided on, but I think it would be best for me… if you’re no longer under this control.” My mouth partially opens, and his staff appears in his hand.

                He pushes his face into my hair and I feel the cool metal tip of the staff trace down to the center of my chest.

                “Come back to me.” He whispers, and my window shatters.

 

**Present Day**

                The building is huge. I can hear a band playing music inside, and the sounds of people chattering. He puts a hand on the small of my back and leads me inside, I feel my heart slamming against my rib cage. I nervously twist my hands, this is it. I have the power to free those other girls. I can help my family forget their pain. This is it.

                We enter, and he leads me to several people whose names I forget instantly. I introduce myself and smile at the women, and nod my head to the men. One man calls me beautiful, and I had to squeeze _his_ hand to keep him from getting angry.

                He introduces me to a tall man with dark hair. He’s devastatingly handsome, and seems to know it too.

                “Maia, this is Grant Ward.” I blink, and realize this is my goal for tonight. I smile as brightly as I can, and place my hand in his outstretched one.

                “Pleasure to meet you, Maia.” He says, smiling at me, then lightly brushing a kiss across my knuckles.

                “And you.” It’s hard to keep my voice steady. So much is riding on tonight, and I have to do my best to not mess this up.

                He smiles and I let my hand fall to my side. _He_ gives me an expectant look, and I swallow nervously.

                “So… I don’t really want to talk business at such a…lively party. But I do know we have some things to discuss?” He gives me a strange looks, then raises his eyebrows at the black haired man next to me.

                “I’m the brains and she’s the beauty.” He explains, smiling. Grant lifts a glass to him and takes a drink.

                “Well then, let’s not let time go to waste. Follow me to my office then.” Grant sets his glass on a nearby tray, and we follow him to another room and up some stairs. I have my dress tightly clutched in my hand, and I’m so busy making sure I won’t trip that I don’t notice him stop and I crash into Grant Ward’s back.

                “Shi— _shoot._ ” _He_ sends me an angry look, but Grant just chuckles and unlocks the door in front of him.

                My cheeks are pink, we enter into his office and he sits behind a big, intimidating desk. We sit in front of it, _his_ arm draped behind my chair, his cane at his leg.

                “Now I’ve discussed it a bit with Loki…” I cringe at the sound of his name, and I feel him pinch my arm in response. “But what I really want to know, is what you think _we_ will gain out of this. Sure, bringing down SHIELD will be a personal pleasure, but how do I know you won’t try to turn Hydra into a big mindless slave machine?”

                I look over at him, raising my eyebrows, but he gives me a look. This is my job. My chance to prove myself. I swallow and cast my eyes up at Grant.

                “We really can’t do anything to prove to you besides signing a bunch of papers I suppose. But I can personally promise that anything… this man agrees to, he will keep his word.” Grant nods, but shrugs.

                “Well that isn’t much to go by. I want an agreement that not only will my organization be your main priority. That we will not only reap the benefits on being on the winning side, but also that we will be second only to you.”

                “We can do nothing but give you our word.” I think back to what he had me memorize. “Not only will you all wish for _nothing_ after we succeed. But you personally will be able to put a bullet into… Phil Coulson’s head.” I lick my lips. He raises his eyebrows, “Anyone is expendable to us. Any member of SHIELD will be yours to finish off.”

                “Or yours for the keeping.” My head snaps to the side as I look over at him, my mouth dropped open in shock. “Specifically… Skye was it?” My eyes widen. Another girl. Another woman who will be a slave like me. I try to compose myself, but my mind was racing. I would choose death over this life any day. I look back over at Grant, who has a satisfied smile on his face. He leans back in his chair and clasps his hands together, his grin was chilling. My thoughts of handsome immediately diminished as I swallowed down my horror of how pleased he seemed at the thought of keeping this girl against her will.

                “I don’t know if I can say ‘no’ to this. Fine. I’ll have my men draw up a contract.” Grant stands and reaches out towards _him_. They shake hands, then Grant looks at me and I realize he wants me to shake hands too.

                _Rapist, rapist, rapist_. I swallow down oncoming bile and stand, and shakily take his hand. He squeezes it, and winks at me.

                “I’m not sure who the brains is anymore. This girl definitely knows how to finish a deal.” I force myself to keep from wincing.

                “But know this. If I sense for a _moment_ that you’ll go back on your word, I pull my men out immediately.” His eyes are hard, I nervously look over at the god next to me.

                “We give our word.” He says for me.

                He lets go of me, and I step back nervously. _Rapist, rapist, rapist._ I was saving three girls, only to possibly give up another. I didn’t even know this one, but from the hungry look in Ward’s eyes… I knew she would be in trouble.

                I wouldn’t go back on my word. I would do my best to recruit people. But I also needed to find a way to warn SHIELD and the Avengers. I needed to take this in my own hands. I couldn’t let my monster win. I couldn’t do that to my planet, or Skye. I needed to be strong, now more than ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so if you need me to clear up what exactly is happening, no worries I will! Also, let me know what you think of Grant in this one? I've never written him before, and he's probably a bit OOC but... I think this is taking place a bit after his girlfriend died. SPOILERS for Agents of Shield if you haven't watched the newest season, but this is definitely before he like... dies. So.  
> Anyway, Maia's standin up! Maia's gonna fight for her women! Wooh? WOOH! 
> 
> ONE MORE CHAPTER. ONE MORE CHAPTER. IT WILL BE HELLA LONG SO I CAN FIT IN ALL THE SHIT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOREVER TO WRITE. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH


	12. Almost There

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAH! As you may have noticed... THIS IS NOT THE LAST CHAPTER!
> 
> Also if you haven't watched Agents of Shield you may be a bit confused. Let me know if you need me to clear stuff up and I will glADLY. Also also, this is pretty AU for them, kind of at the beginning of Season 3 but before the plot for that starts. Lol okay good talk.

**Present Day**

                My life was a whirl wind of fancy parties and luncheons. Grant Ward was now working closely with _him_ and I was finally getting a full nights’ sleep as he was coming to me less and less as the “big day” approached. I had a personal assistant and bodyguard, but he also served _him_ and most likely his biggest duty was to keep an eye on me. However, it seemed that as of now, I was his biggest confidante. I knew all of his plans, his schedule, _everything_.

                I also learned how to make an encrypted phone call.

                Originally, it was to be able to communicate with Hydra and Ward and our allies, but by being viewed as nothing more than arm candy and a distraction, I was given the biggest weapon of all: underestimation.

                Turns out, it’s harder to find a way to communicate with a top secret organization, especially when another is watching your every move. But, I bet that they have _someone_ keeping tabs on Hydra’s moves. All I have to do is find out who.

                Roger, my body guard and chauffer, was driving me to a luncheon with the Prime Minister of Belgium when our car was attacked.

 

**A Year Ago**

                I was dizzy for many hours after he released me from being a blue eyed slave, and I passed out. When I awoke, Lo—He sat next to me. His hand was in my hair, stroking or pulling, I’m not sure. My eyes fluttered open, and met his. The corners of his mouth lifted, and I turned my head and vomited over the side of the bed.

                He snapped his fingers, cleaning me up immediately. My breath caught, my mind was racing, trying to gain back its momentum after maybe _months_ of it not belonging to me.

                “Flower.” He breathed, and kissed my cheek, his other hand clasping mine in his. My body jerked in response, but I didn’t struggle. I stared at our clasped hands.

                “Y-You…” He hushed me and kissed my other cheek.

                “You’re back, you are yourself again.” I blinked, disoriented.

                “Where are we?”

                “Hopefully, our permanent home. You are safe here, do not worry.”

                I could hear him, but I wasn’t really processing his words. The room was simple, but big. My bed was large, and a huge window was on the far wall to my left. As if sensing my wants, he released me and I hesitantly placed my feet on the chilled wooden floor.

                He was wordless as I stood and tested out my aching limbs. My right arm, specifically my elbow was stinging slightly, and upon closer inspection I found large bruises. I gingerly touched my face, finding similar stinging sensations. This must have been where I had fallen after the shock of returning back to my body.

                “Wh... Why?” He stood as well, and wrapped his arms around my body,

                “That does not matter. You are safe, you are with me, you are _free_.” I squinted, part of my mind rebelled against that. Free? Why did that feel like a lie?

                My memories were slow, it was like looking through a thick glass, they were foggy and blurry. I knew that I had a family, and that I was not with them. Someone had taken me from them. _He…_ He was involved.

                “Why can I not say your name?” I whispered, mostly to myself. He kissed the side of my temple, the bruised side, and I felt the stinging sensation lessen.

                “Do not worry about that. You may call me ‘my lord, sire’ or anything else. My name is not necessary for you.” I scratched the inside of my wrist.

                “What…” I pulled out of his embrace and went to the window, “Why am I so confused?” He followed me over, and pulled me backwards into him again.

                “It makes things easier for you. No more questions, let us make love again… freely.”

                And so I did.

 

**Present Day**

                I heard it before I felt it. The screeching of metal as the van was hit by another vehicle. I was knocked forward into the seat in front of me, and my seatbelt jerked me backwards and I screamed out as the sheer force of it cracked something in my shoulder.

                The vehicles skidded a few more feet until they stopped.

                I opened an eye, and screamed again. The airbag was blocking most of my view of Roger’s mangled body. I was sitting on the passenger side of the back seat, since I’d wanted to look out the window at the landscape. If I hadn’t I’d be nothing but an impaled corpse as well most likely. I looked around wildly, my door was locked from the outside, and in order to get to the front I would have to climb over Roger’s body.

                I puked my breakfast over the left side of the back seat and then my door opened.

                I screamed, desperately trying to unbuckle my seatbelt, but arms caught me before I could move away. I thrashed and shrieked, a bag was shoved over my head and something stabbed into my arm before I saw only darkness.

                **November**

                “You can’t keep coming to my house, Tyler.” I crossed my arms over my chest, trying to keep my stance firm and my gaze heavy. I spoke to him through the door, simply because I refused to open it and let him in.

                “Maia, I just need to _talk_. You haven’t let me a chance to _explain_!” He said it in such a way that it felt like _I_ was being the unreasonable one.

                “Explain what? Explain that you used me to try to win a Nobel writing prize or whatever it’s called? Explain that you’ve manipulated someone who is _not_ in the right place to be manipulated. I really don’t see why you’d need to explain, since I got the picture ever since I saw that stupid recorder in your bag.”

                “Maia—“

                “I want you to leave. You’re harassing me, and you’re harassing my family, and the only reason I haven’t called the cops or filed for a restraining order is because some tiny part of me feels _sorry_ for you.”

                “Maia, it wasn’t _me_!” I scoffed, he had his hands pressed against the glass windows of my door which made me uneasy. He pushed his face closer, “I think… I think _he_ was controlling me.”

                That did it.

                I gasped and pushed the door open so fast he fell back onto his ass. I stepped out and slammed the door behind me, my face already red. I reached down and grabbed the front of his tee shirt and brought him up close.

                “Listen up you god damned piece of _shit_.” His breathing was heavy, which pleased me. He was _scared_. “If I ever, _ever_ see you again…” I wasn’t sure what to threaten him with. Honestly I just wanted to tear his eyes out for _daring_ to even… “Don’t make me have to see you again. The fucking _audacity_ …”  I shook my head and forcefully shoved him away from me.

                “Get the fuck off my property before I call the cops. Do yourself a favor, and don’t _ever_ try to contact me again.”

                “Maia, you have to—“

                “Go to hell, douche bag.” I turned and went inside, locking the door behind me. My heart was racing, and I slid down the door before collapsing into tears.

 

**Present Day**

                I awoke to a dimly lit room, my wrists shackled to a metallic table. I jumped, my senses instantly on high alert. The quick movement gave me a sudden feeling of nausea and I stopped, wincing.

                “Yeah, be careful. After being knocked out like that, you may be concussed. I’ll have Simmons take a look at you in a bit.” I looked up, to see a man in a suit step out of the shadows. I squinted at him, my eyebrows furrowing.

                “Who are you, where…”

                “Of course, sorry. It’s been a while since I’ve dealt with… Well to be honest we’re not sure _what_ you are.” My eyebrows furrowed further.

                “SHIELD?” He nodded, I shook my head. “God damn it.”

                “Maia Cuscrove. Loki” I winced at his name, shaking my head further, “Kidnapped you last year, and it was the Avengers that save you. Yet here you are, corresponding with confirmed Hydra agents.” I shook my head further.

                “God _damn_ it! You don’t understand.” I shook my hands against the restraints, for fucks sake. I was looking for a way to contact them quietly, to let them know of _his_ plans. But they’d just ruined my whole thing by taking me. They’d ruined _everything_. “Do you guys have any idea what you just did?” I was seething. The man took a step back, surprised by my reaction.

                “My name is Phil Coulson. I too was… affected by Loki. But my situation didn’t make me want to run away from home and start working with some _really_ bad guys.” I licked my lips.

                “Well Phil, looks like you have some misinformation here. I’m not _working_ with them, I was _playing_ them.” His eyebrows rose to his hairline. I shook my head again, annoyed beyond hell.

                “Do you guys even realize _he’s_ back?” His eyebrows somehow rose higher, he fiddled with his clipboard for a moment.

                “Um… Excuse me for a minute…” He left quickly, almost dropping the tablet or whatever it was on his way out. I huffed, my eyes scanning the room. The walls were seemingly the same material as the floor. It was a pretty small room, with only one door. No windows, just the weird materialed walls.

                “There’s no time you know!” I yelled to nothing, “You’ve already fucked up my plan, might as well come back and…” And what? Make another plan?

                There was no way for me to go back to _him_ without him noticing that I was kidnapped for a bit. Most likely he already knew. What did this mean? Would he launch his assault earlier to get me back? Or would he try to use me as a mole? If I pretended to escape he’d launch an entire debriefing or whatever, and by then he’d _definitely_ realize I wasn’t on his side. There was no way for me to go back to my old plan.

                He came back in, with a beautiful Asian lady at his side. Her lips were pursed as she scanned my form up and down. I fidgeted, uncomfortable.

                “Maia, this is Agent May.” She nodded at me, which I returned. “Now, it looks like we’re a bit behind on some things, would you like to bring us up to date?” I rolled my eyes. Last year I wouldn’t have been half as moody with actual real live _government agents_ , but after tricking a fucking _god_ for _weeks_ I’d changed a bit.

                “What did you guys think was happening before?” He looked over to May, who huffed.

                “We noticed when your parents filed for a missing person. Loki… We thought Thor still had him on Asgard. So we ruled him out, as soon as this is over we should probably try to contact him.” She looked over at Coulson, who nodded. “It’d been months, then one of our sources in Europe said they’d seen you conversing with Ward. A… A well known enemy of SHIELD’s.” May explained, Coulson scoffed, I raised an eyebrow.

                “You never saw… _him_ with us as well? He was with me most of the time I was with Ward, so I don’t know how you wouldn’t have…” I trailed off, then it clicked. “Fuck. He has a masking… thing that he uses in public. He doesn’t look like… himself to anyone but me and whoever else he wants to see him.” I looked up at them.

                “You guys are very, _very_ behind.” Then I launched my story. I would slightly skim over the rape parts, but I could see by  May’s facial expressions she knew.

                When I finished, ending with my original plan, they looked at each other for a long time. May looked back at me, and leaned over the metal table, bracing her hand in front of me and pressing her face close to mine.

                “Alright.” She said after a moment of searching my face. She leaned back a ways, cracking her neck before gazing at me. “We believe you, now what are we supposed to do?”

                Coulson had been silent the whole time, May had been the only one that had asked me questions through my story. He shook his head,

                “We need the whole team for this, Maia, can we trust you?” I swallowed, my eyes flicking between May and him. I nodded quickly, and he pressed something on his tablet or whatever it is and the cuffs snapped open.

                I rubbed my raw wrists, trying to keep any expression of pain off my face. Coulson opened the door, and May gestured me after him.

                I had to blink to adjust my eyes to the light. It was a narrow hallway that opened up to what looked like a living room, with a room that had what resembled a giant TV. I looked to my side, trying to gage where we were. The windows were small and circular.

                “Is this a plane?” I asked, confusion spreading across my features. May nodded, walking next to me as Coulson led.

                We descended some stairs, and entered what looked like a garage. Three people were conversing by one of the big black SUVs, their heads snapped up at our presence.

                “She’s just walking around then?” A Scottish guy, who looked like he spent half his life chasing puppies asked Coulson. His brow furrowing in confusion. Two women were on each side of them. One of them Asian and gorgeous, her eyes searched me, scanning me for threats. The other had short hair and looked like she was either secretly evil, or the sweetest person on earth.

                “I’ll fill you all in later, Maia, this is Fitz, Skye, and Simmons.” He pointed to each person in turn, who nodded. Skye. _Skye_.

                “This is _the_ Skye?” The one who Ward wanted. Her eyes widened and she sent Coulson and May a questioning look.

                “That’s the one.”  I nodded to her, and then the others.

                “I’m sure he’s going to tell you all in a bit, I’m not what you think I am.” Coulson nodded, and May led me down a plank type thing into the big garage of the base. I looked over at my shoulder at Skye, who was still watching me.

                This was who I was saving. These were all the people who… L— _He_ wanted to annihilate. Even if my plan wasn’t exactly going the way I had hoped, it had to be worth it. I wouldn’t let myself be dark, I wouldn’t let myself stop caring about others. I wouldn’t let _him_ try to corrupt me into something just as bad as he was. And hopefully, he would kill me for it.

 

**Early August (The Day I Was Saved)**

I awoke to _his_ lips on my neck. I blinked sleepily, but stretched out my neck so he’d have better access. On realizing I was awake, he smiled against my skin.

                “Good morning, my flower.” I twisted my body towards him, forcing myself to smile like I always did. He pecked my lips, then leaned back.

                “The light is hitting you so beautifully, Maia.” He shook his head, a loving smile across his face. “Only a few more weeks, then we will rule the Earth together.” I leaned up and kissed him.

                He pulled the covers back from me, his hands searching my body. I gasped as his fingers dipped in my folds. I kept my mouth on him as he fingered me, grinding my hips against his hand. His other hand was feeling me, his stubble was scraping against my skin.

                I remember that I didn’t feel anything. I felt… warm. Is that normal?

                He entered me after I came for the first time. He was always so intense, so into it. His moans louder, his thrusts harder. I tried to keep up, I tried to love him as hard as he loved me. I tried, then.

                He came inside me, then kissed my naval.

                I remember eating breakfast by myself, as all the other girls had woken up much earlier. I remember the heavy feeling in my chest. I remember every part of that day.

 

**Present Day**

                “Maia.” I jumped, turning towards the doorway. Skye was leaning against the door frame, her hair pulled back in a tight pony tail. She took a deep breath, looking uncomfortable. “Um, Coulson just filled us all in. I just wanted to say—“

                “Please don’t try to show me pity, I really don’t need that.” Her eyebrows furrowed,

                “No, I was going to thank you for… for everything. For helping someone you don’t even know.” I shrugged,

                “It doesn’t take too much heroism to not be a psychopath.” I shrugged again, and turned back to my makeshift bed, sorting out the stuff they’d given me.

                “No… Maia, seriously.” She was next to me, I looked over at her, her lips were pursed. “I don’t think you realize how amazing what you’ve been doing is. To… To lie to someone like that… I know how it feels.” She took a breath, thinking back on whatever it was that plagued her too. “And for someone who you never even met… Maia. You’re seriously amazing.” I flinched when she reached forward.

                I realized that she was only trying to hug me, and my cheeks reddened.

                “Sorry—“

                “Fuck, sorry—“ We cut each other off. She smiled, then just put her hand out.

                “I’m Skye, but I prefer to be called Daisy now.” I squinted, she smiled wider. “Long story.” I nodded, and took her hand.

                “Maia Cuscrove. Nice to meet you.” She smiled again and I weakly smiled back, then her eyes darkened. She released my hand, then straightened.

                “We’ve contacted Tony Stark who is sending out the Bat Signal or whatever. The Avengers will be here soon, we’re trying to do it quietly. We want Loki” I didn’t react. “To still think you’re on his side. Now we have two options, one is that we prepare for war, and hope we can find him and strike before he does.” Her hands clenched, I tipped my head.

                “And the other?” I pressed. She almost seemed to shudder, then she composed herself again.

                “We send you back in.”

**Early August (The Day I was Saved)**

                It was lunch when the alarms went off. I was in the hallways when red started flashing. I jumped in surprise, and looked around wildly. One of the blue eyeds appeared out of nowhere and grabbed my elbow, pulling me down the hallway. I thrashed out of impulse, screaming at him to tell me what was going on.

                He didn’t answer, and threw me inside _his_ bedroom, ignoring my spluttered protests up until he slammed the door in my face. I battered against the door, begging someone to tell me what was going on. Where was _he_?

                I cried out until my voice scratched my throat. Gun fire started about a half hour into my confinement. I cried out when part of my wall was taken with a stray bullet. I pressed my back further against the door and begged _him_ to come and to save me from this. Voices were coming closer, as was the noise of gunfire. If I went to my window, I could probably see them…

                And then _he_ was in front of me, more ragged than he had all those months ago after the battle of New York. I could see blood leaking out from his side and I gasped. He was dazed for a moment, and almost collapsed, but I stood up and kept him on his feet.

                “Sire, sire what do I do? How do I…”

                “I will be fine, I just need… a moment to catch my breath.” Another bullet ricocheted off one of the windows. I yelped without wanting to.

                “We need to go, transport us away!” He growled, irritated.

                “I _can’t_ transport us, I was _stabbed_.”  He pushed himself away from me, and waved me away when I continued to try to assist him.

                “What is the gunfire? Is it… is _them_?!” He huffed, and batted me away, throwing me into the door.

                “Of _course_ it’s _them._ ” He hissed, his eyes almost seemed blood shot. “Would you cease your incessant spluttering and let me _think_?” I quieted immediately, another bullet. I slapped a hand over my mouth to keep from yelling out.

                He put a hand to his head, thinking.

                “We’re going to have to escape the old fashioned way. I know there are some Midgardian… Jeeps… It’s about a half mile away, but we could do it…” He looked back up at me, his eyes narrowing.

                “Listen to every order I give you without question, this is _not_ the time to disobey me. Do you understand?” I swallowed and shakily nodded. I would. I was _grateful_ that he’d choose _me_ to escape with.

**Present Day**

                Daisy and the others told me over and over that I didn’t have to do this. But I assured them that this was what I had to do. Daisy hugged me before I boarded the Quinjet, and I hardly even flinched.

                “I’ll see you soon, we’ll get coffee or something.” She said, smiling. I forced a smile back, I wasn’t planning on returning. If this went my way, I wouldn’t live another day. I’d be free.

                The jet took off, May started to bind my hands behind my back and tie a gag around my head. I started to struggle, trying to force myself into character. I felt her smile when I kicked at Coulson.

                “Easy tiger,” He said, but he was smiling too.

                My heart was hammering against my rib cage. I could hear it over the engines of the plane. Every part of me, every nerve was aware. I was the glue for this. They all were relying on me. Relying on me to _lie_ to the _God of Lies_.

                But I had been doing it for weeks, I had fooled the leader of _Hydra_. I could do it for one more day, I could do it in order to save the lives of so many. For my family. I wanted to be remembered as a hero, as a martyr. Maybe they’d do a news segment about me. And it wouldn’t be about _him_ about what he did to me. It would be about what _I_ did to _him_.

               

                The Quinjet landed, May pulled me to my feet and I jerked against her. She wasn’t smiling anymore. We were all in character even before the drop door opened.

                They had somehow contacted whoever and had negotiated a trade. It pissed me off a bit that they could make contact so easily when I had tried for _weeks_ to try to find a way to contact them.

                “Be strong, we’ll make contact soon.” She whispered in my ear as the door was opening. I made the smallest of nods, and then set my face into a scared expression.

                They were waiting for us right at the opening. But _he_ wasn’t there.

                “Agent Ward.” Coulson called out, not missing a beat even though a _very_ important person to our plan was missing from sight. “We’re surprised to see you in the flesh.”

                “Well Coulson, I like to make sure all _my_ allies are treated with respect.” Ward looked smug, as if he had something over us—them.

                “Do you have what we asked for?” Coulson ignored Ward’s jab, whatever it meant. Ward nodded, and a few of his guys stepped forward with a box, opening it to reveal some crystals inside. My brows furrowed and I shouted through my gag, only managing to make some muffled sounds.

                Coulson nodded, and May walked me down the bridge to where the other agents were, meeting the agent who had the box in the middle. She took the box from him, and pushed me forward. I stumbled a few steps, then shouted some more muffled profanities at her retreating back.

                I felt Ward approach me, and he cut my ties loose himself. I gingerly touched my aching wrists, and turned to face him. He took my head in his hands and examined my face.

                “Don’t think this changed anything.” He shouted over my shoulder at them. They didn’t reply, and hurriedly closed up the Quinjet and took off.

                “They’re in a hurry.” I muttered, confused.

                “They know we had a sniper somewhere, that would blast them to pieces if they didn’t move fast enough. Whatever, that weapon was only a plan B anyway.

                They never actually mentioned what they were trading for me. It didn’t matter much anyway, since I was the real weapon.

                “Where is he?” I asked, Ward ignored me and touched a bruise on my cheekbone.

                “It’s not like them to rough up a 19 year old girl.” He mused, I kept myself calm. _18_ _assclown, I’m fucking 18_.

                “Well, I tried to get away, and the bitch knocked me in a wall before I could even reach the door.” I met his eyes then looked away, I was lying to a trained liar.

                But it wasn’t the first time.

                “Hah, Loki said you were a fighter.” He stepped back and examined me one more time. “You getting kidnapped changed a few parts of the plan, but that doesn’t matter.” I nodded, following him to a black SUV.

                “He’s waiting for you at the base. He said you might have been able to pull through and not mention that he’s here. Did you tell them?” I took a deep breath, and shook my head. He helped me get in the SUV and followed me after. The car tore through the grass of the field that we had landed in, and I winced.

                “No. But I told them about you.” I looked over at him, “I don’t think I gave away anything too big, I told them that I was helping you.” He nodded,

                “That’s good, Maia. You did good.” He touched my shoulder, and I weakly smiled, then looked out the window. Silence stretched for a moment, my mind raced as I tried to think of something to say. To continue to prove how trustworthy I am.

                “Is he… Is he mad?” I nervously looked over, for the first time my expression purely genuine. Ward swallowed, the bob in his throat moving up and down. Was he… Was he scared?

                “A bit.” He said quietly, running a hand through his hair. “He’ll… He’ll be better when he sees you.” I nodded, spreading my hands over my lap.

 

**The Day I Was Saved**

                A leaf crunched under my foot, he whipped around fire in his eyes. I flinched and he grabbed my hair, yanking me towards him.

                “God dammit, mortal. Are you _trying_ to get us caught?” He hissed, I bit my lip to keep from crying out in pain as my hair seemed to ripped out by its roots. A tear slipped down my cheek, I braced my hands on the ground, my fingers sinking into the dirt.

                “I’m sorry, I’m sorry my lord.” I whispered, he shook his head sneering. He turned back and gestured me to follow, we walked slowly. We had made it to the tree line, the other vehicles were only a quarter mile away at most.

                Tree to tree we hopped, and then we heard it.

                “ _Thor_.” He whispered, his eyes wide with fear.

 

**Present Day**

                I followed Ward into what looked like a warehouse. I kept my knuckles clenched, readying myself for whatever was going to meet me inside.

                It was bare white, the first hallway. Not a single piece of dirt marring the pure white tile. Shivers took over my body, the hair on the back of my neck stood up. Here I was, willingly walking back into the arms of the _thing_ that personally made my life a _living hell_. But I was sick of relying on others to save me. It didn’t work before, so how would I have any trust in that it would work now?

                Ward pushed the doors open, and I gasped at the sight before me.

                Chairs were tipped over, papers were ripped to shreds on the floor. Some of the tables were reduced to splinters, it made me glad that I was wearing shoes. I turned to Ward, wide eyed. He shrugged, but his lips were pressed tightly together.

                “He might have gotten… a bit worried after we heard about what happened.” I swallowed, he kept moving, occasionally maneuvering around a shattered coffee mug.

                I shivered and dug my nails deeper into my palms, but followed after him. I was going to be strong. I was going to be free at the end of today. _He_ wouldn’t be able to get me back this time.

 

**The Day I Was Saved**

                He whirled us around and shoved me into a tree, his hand smashed over my mouth. My eyes were wide, and I struggled against him so I could see what was happening.

                “Be still!” He snarled, and shoved his body against mine, as if he was trying to push me _through_ the tree. All of a sudden, the air around us seemed to shimmer. My eyebrows narrowed, but he didn’t take the time to explain to me what was going on. His eyes were scanning the area around us, sharp and focused.

                “—‘m sure I heard something over this way!” I froze immediately, hearing the voices. My eyes met _his_ and he shook his head slowly, silently indicating me to be silent. My heart was racing, almost trying to propel me forward. I could feel my entire body _urging_ me to _go! Run! Fight!_ I ignored the impulses, squeezing my eyes shut in concentration. He had _chosen_ me to be here, to be with _him_. I couldn’t ruin it for him.

                “We are wasting _time_! My brother is tricky, most likely he won’t come out and try to attack us out in the open again.” _His_ eyes narrowed, honing in on the people. I squirmed, they were going to find us! Why weren’t we running? “All of his vehicles were in the other direction, I am nearly certain that—“ I saw two blonde men. My entire body seized up as the taller of the two’s head turned toward us. I waited for him to break off, to shout that he had seen us.

                But nothing happened.

                “—He is not out here. Perhaps we should just join Stark and the others and question his numerous amount of people back there. That woman… Teresa called herself his second.” The other man waved a hand, they went past us, never looking twice.

                “She seemed a bit on the crazy side if you ask me…” And then they were gone. Out of sight. The shimmering air disappeared and he took his hand off my mouth. I gasped in a deep breath, my entire body shuddering. I felt… betrayed.

                “No time to waste.” He said, but he also seemed winded. His skin was paler too. I reached out to touch him, comfort him, but he violently slapped my hand away. “ _Now_ mortal.”

                And so we continued.

 

**Present Day**

                He was waiting for us in a smaller room. Also messy, but not nearly as chatastrophic as the last room. He looked up as we entered, and his entire being seemed to light up.

                I gasped as he plundered for me, and took me tightly into his arms.

                “My flower, my love. Are you hurt?” He took my face into his hands, searching it for injuries. He saw my bruise and his fingers tightened, making me whimper.

                “Sir. If we could have a word—“ Ward started, _he_ waved a hand at him.

                “in a bit, I need to talk with Maia alone for a while.” Ward’s jaw clenched, but he gave an obviously forced smile, and left, closing the door behind him.

                “I thought I’d have to tear that place apart to get you back to me. Later you must tell me every detail, but right now…” I looked up at him, trying not to show my obvious fear. “I need you.” I winced as he started to feverishly place kisses on my neck. I lightly pressed against his chest, my mind racing.

                “Don’t you need to hear of everything I learned?” He answered me by colliding our mouths together. I didn’t even kiss him back, but he didn’t care. His hands started working at my clothes, and I tried to push his hands away, but he just gathered my wrists in one hand, and continued with the other.

                I finally managed to pull my head away, but he continued to work at my clothes.

                “Sire, I really must protest—“ He slammed me against the wall and I cried out.

                “Maia, we will discuss _later_ everything can _wait_.” And that was it. He successfully got my jeans unclasped and began pulling them down my legs. I hook my head, looking away from him.

                Unbelievable. Honestly, all SHIELD would have to do to take down this guy is to cut off his cock. Then he’d have no drive for anything in all likelihood.

                He froze. I raised an eyebrow, tilting my head at him. His eyes scanned mine, his face was expressionless. But he had just… stopped.

                “…Sire?” If my hands were free I would have snapped my fingers in front of his face. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, steeling himself for something.

                “Why… Why the _fuck_ are you thinking about SHIELD?” He opened his eyes again, hard as ice. My insides turned to mush, and my heart seemed to stop beating.

                No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, _no, no, no, no, NO._

                He shook his head at me, grabbing my shoulders with both hands and he just _slammed_ me against the wall. I cried out in pain and fear and I couldn’t _think_. I couldn’t breathe, I slammed down every wall I could think of in my mind and hid behind them.

                He had played _me_. He had distracted _me_. Any investigations or anything like that I would have steeled myself for, played every part I could think of. But he had thrown me off balance, he had purposely tried to rattle me and confuse me. And _it had worked_.

                Tears immediately started streaming down my face, but I had to stay strong I had to try to twist this I had to _try_.

                “Because they’re going after Hydra anyway, so if they were trying to take you down…” He slapped me across the face and I yelped.

                “ _Do not try to lie to the God of Lies_.” He snarled, I blanched. My eyes darted back and forth between him and the door. I tried to twist out of his grip and run, but I barely made it an inch before he got a tighter grip and smashed me against the wall again.

                “Please, please they _tortured_ me. I didn’t want to tell them!” He paused, I forced the memories into my head, the tears to keep coming. “I didn’t want to tell them about you, I swear! I tried _so hard_ but they told me they had my family and I…” He looked confused, I felt him fighting against the wall in my mind, and I allowed the crafted memories to seep through. They were… close to the truth. With minor tweaks.

                I showed him how I had told them the whole story, but instead of me being 100% annoyed, I made it seem terrified.

                “I promise, I didn’t tell them what _day_ or where we were _exactly_ but I revealed that you were here. That you were free.” I grounded out a sob, my eyes searching his. “I’m so sorry, please, _please_ don’t hurt my family.”

                He examined me, his brow furrowed, lips pressed tightly together.

                “I will be back in a moment.” And then he left the room without another word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah so I decided to just be an asshole and give you guys just a LITTLE bit more anticipation. Will the next chapter be as long? I don't know! Who knows! Not me! I'm a mess! Wooh!
> 
> anywAY let me know what you thought, what you think is going ON and what you think is GOING to go ON AKA What is GOING to HAPPEN. I HAVE NO IDEA.
> 
> Jk I do. But like, only kind of.
> 
> Just kidding.
> 
> Kind of.
> 
> Anyway just let me know your thoughts on these thoughts and tell them to me
> 
> ??? 
> 
> Yeah.


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